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Do you throw them out? What are YOUR feelings ? Explain your detachment.
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<blockquote data-quote="toughlovin" data-source="post: 409929"><p>OK I will bite.... I am sure I have said a lot of this in other threads in other places, but here it will be in one place.. I am not totally sure what I would do if I didn't know that drug use was invovled.... so let me say I am thinking of dealing with a young adult with a drug problem. I think it might be different with clear mental illness, or other issues. Through my work I have seen several cases of parents trying to keep helping (or rather enabling) their kids even though they were using drugs. What I saw is that all that did was make the drug use worse.... I don't think kids with drug problems (I am not talking about the occasional joint or drink but one that is clearly using very regularly) grow out of it. As long as they can get by in their life and still party they will.....at least that has been my observation and then became my experience. </p><p></p><p>Believe me even with some good observations under my belt I still did my share of enabling. We tried to help my son not get into too much trouble with the law. He kept getting into various kinds of stupid trouble. Indirectly drug related I think but not directly so. Finally though after he was 18 he kept flagrantly violating our rules, taking our car without permission etc. I came to the realization that we could no longer live with the tension and chaos all of this was creating and in fact he was getting the completely wrong life message. Fact is you cannot live your life doing whatever the hell you please, breaking the law over and over again and not end up in big trouble. We were letting him do just that but it was not going to work for him long term. Better he get that now rather than later. </p><p></p><p>Finally we decided we had enough and we decided to talk to him. At that point he got real nasty and threatening. I was never afraid he would come after me and hurt me, but it was coming to a head that if I went toe to toe with him he would hurt me. That is no way to live. I went to the police, arranged for them to come at a certain time and serve him with a no trespass order. I think my son was pretty shocked. He called a friends mom who came and picked him up and he lived over there.</p><p></p><p>At the advice of my therapist i kept in touch with him via text message. He did not respond at all at first but my purpose was to let him know we still loved him and we were still here for him but that he could not live at home. I am glad I did that because it gave me some comfort that I was not just turning my back on him. After a few days he called us to ask us to bring him some clothes and stuff which we did. At some point in that process we did meet the parents of where he was staying.... and made nice with them. It would not have been my choice of places for him to stay but at least he was not living on the street. At some point he and another kid decided to camp out somewhere..... that resulted in him getting arrested. He did call us when he was arrested and we did not bail him out. I did go to court for his arraignment and was a bit disgusted at his attitude.... a night in jail was a lark and he was released. Over the next couple of months he got arrested for stupid stuff a couple of more times. Then while we were in Hawaii he went back to his old TBS for a couple of weeks and finished the minimal amount of work he needed to do to get his HS diploma. We were very happy and hopeful that he would turn things around. So after he came back we let him move home. With a clear understanding of the rules for him to be here.... and it was not long before he was violating all our rules again! So we kicked him out again. And again he was arrested for really stupid stuff. He called us at 3am and we did pick him from the PD because they were releasing him and we dropped him off where he was staying......and then I took him to court that Monday morning. I had told him this time he might get his bail revoked and go to jail. I mean really how many times can you break the law, be released, just to break it again? Eventually, the system just like us, has enough. And that is what happened. His bail was revoked and he spent two weeks in jail. We did get a lawyer at that point because now he has a lot of charges against him - most of them pretty petty but they add up. We had a very tough conversation when he was in jail that he could not come home.... he knew he could not really keep living where he was living and did not know where he would go.... we told him he could not come home until he had treatment. The kid hated jail with a passion. That was a huge wake up call for him. He is not a kid who has ever handled boredom well.... and he was bored to death. So with our lawyer he agreed to a plea agreement which unfortunately for him included pleaing to a felony charge and getting a suspended sentence, but did allow him to go out of state to a rehab program I had found and we paid for. He has finished the 90 days and is now in a sober living situation and looking for work. We are still helping him out financially until he gets work. </p><p></p><p>So all that is the long way round of saying that I got over my hopes and dreams for him and realized the most important thing to me was that he live.... the drug use was going to end in death eventually and so how could I help in that regard. Enabling him to keep on using was not going to help him stop using drugs. Letting him fall and fall hard, and end up in jail was the absolutely only and best thing we could do for him. It was one of the worst times in my life. having a kid in jail is just heartbreaking, especially as all his classmates are going off to college. Yes he has a felony on his record that he is going to have to work with ..... but at least for now he is clean and sober.</p><p></p><p>So I think the things to think about are 1) If you are protecting your kid from the law and from life are you really helping him? 2) What kind of message are you sending him by doing this? 3) If he (or she) has a drug problem is what you are doing helping him to continue to use, or helping him to really stop?</p><p></p><p>My feeling now is that we are willing to help our son with his recovery... we absolutely wil not help him to use drugs. We are helping him out financially right now with some good safeguards in place (therapist and the sober house). We will stop doing that if he starts using again or puts himself in a situation (like come back to his old environment) where he would use again.</p><p></p><p>It is hard sometimes to know where to draw the line.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="toughlovin, post: 409929"] OK I will bite.... I am sure I have said a lot of this in other threads in other places, but here it will be in one place.. I am not totally sure what I would do if I didn't know that drug use was invovled.... so let me say I am thinking of dealing with a young adult with a drug problem. I think it might be different with clear mental illness, or other issues. Through my work I have seen several cases of parents trying to keep helping (or rather enabling) their kids even though they were using drugs. What I saw is that all that did was make the drug use worse.... I don't think kids with drug problems (I am not talking about the occasional joint or drink but one that is clearly using very regularly) grow out of it. As long as they can get by in their life and still party they will.....at least that has been my observation and then became my experience. Believe me even with some good observations under my belt I still did my share of enabling. We tried to help my son not get into too much trouble with the law. He kept getting into various kinds of stupid trouble. Indirectly drug related I think but not directly so. Finally though after he was 18 he kept flagrantly violating our rules, taking our car without permission etc. I came to the realization that we could no longer live with the tension and chaos all of this was creating and in fact he was getting the completely wrong life message. Fact is you cannot live your life doing whatever the hell you please, breaking the law over and over again and not end up in big trouble. We were letting him do just that but it was not going to work for him long term. Better he get that now rather than later. Finally we decided we had enough and we decided to talk to him. At that point he got real nasty and threatening. I was never afraid he would come after me and hurt me, but it was coming to a head that if I went toe to toe with him he would hurt me. That is no way to live. I went to the police, arranged for them to come at a certain time and serve him with a no trespass order. I think my son was pretty shocked. He called a friends mom who came and picked him up and he lived over there. At the advice of my therapist i kept in touch with him via text message. He did not respond at all at first but my purpose was to let him know we still loved him and we were still here for him but that he could not live at home. I am glad I did that because it gave me some comfort that I was not just turning my back on him. After a few days he called us to ask us to bring him some clothes and stuff which we did. At some point in that process we did meet the parents of where he was staying.... and made nice with them. It would not have been my choice of places for him to stay but at least he was not living on the street. At some point he and another kid decided to camp out somewhere..... that resulted in him getting arrested. He did call us when he was arrested and we did not bail him out. I did go to court for his arraignment and was a bit disgusted at his attitude.... a night in jail was a lark and he was released. Over the next couple of months he got arrested for stupid stuff a couple of more times. Then while we were in Hawaii he went back to his old TBS for a couple of weeks and finished the minimal amount of work he needed to do to get his HS diploma. We were very happy and hopeful that he would turn things around. So after he came back we let him move home. With a clear understanding of the rules for him to be here.... and it was not long before he was violating all our rules again! So we kicked him out again. And again he was arrested for really stupid stuff. He called us at 3am and we did pick him from the PD because they were releasing him and we dropped him off where he was staying......and then I took him to court that Monday morning. I had told him this time he might get his bail revoked and go to jail. I mean really how many times can you break the law, be released, just to break it again? Eventually, the system just like us, has enough. And that is what happened. His bail was revoked and he spent two weeks in jail. We did get a lawyer at that point because now he has a lot of charges against him - most of them pretty petty but they add up. We had a very tough conversation when he was in jail that he could not come home.... he knew he could not really keep living where he was living and did not know where he would go.... we told him he could not come home until he had treatment. The kid hated jail with a passion. That was a huge wake up call for him. He is not a kid who has ever handled boredom well.... and he was bored to death. So with our lawyer he agreed to a plea agreement which unfortunately for him included pleaing to a felony charge and getting a suspended sentence, but did allow him to go out of state to a rehab program I had found and we paid for. He has finished the 90 days and is now in a sober living situation and looking for work. We are still helping him out financially until he gets work. So all that is the long way round of saying that I got over my hopes and dreams for him and realized the most important thing to me was that he live.... the drug use was going to end in death eventually and so how could I help in that regard. Enabling him to keep on using was not going to help him stop using drugs. Letting him fall and fall hard, and end up in jail was the absolutely only and best thing we could do for him. It was one of the worst times in my life. having a kid in jail is just heartbreaking, especially as all his classmates are going off to college. Yes he has a felony on his record that he is going to have to work with ..... but at least for now he is clean and sober. So I think the things to think about are 1) If you are protecting your kid from the law and from life are you really helping him? 2) What kind of message are you sending him by doing this? 3) If he (or she) has a drug problem is what you are doing helping him to continue to use, or helping him to really stop? My feeling now is that we are willing to help our son with his recovery... we absolutely wil not help him to use drugs. We are helping him out financially right now with some good safeguards in place (therapist and the sober house). We will stop doing that if he starts using again or puts himself in a situation (like come back to his old environment) where he would use again. It is hard sometimes to know where to draw the line. [/QUOTE]
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