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Do you throw them out? What are YOUR feelings ? Explain your detachment.
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 410008" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>Adding in our own personal experience here. </p><p> </p><p>Dude was the product of a divorced and abusive home. His biofather and I were married 3 years before Dude came along. The relationship lasted 13 years, his biofather is a sociopath/pscyhopath, BiPolar (BP), drug/alcohol abuser and is violent to people/women/animals. That being said, I took Dude at 4 went into hiding, and got him into therapy. I had been in therapy for a year prior to the separation. </p><p> </p><p>At age 5 Dude was put into the State Hospital. From there it was a non-ending cycle of residential homes, therapists, psychologists, psychiatrists, meetings, IEP's, family counseling, counseling, hospitalizations, suicide watches, medication tweeks, group homes, therapeutic boarding schools, locked psychiatric facilities, shadows, being black-listed from day cares (lol - well now it's lol), school meetings, rhino skin, warrior Mom status, contained classes, "oh not DUDE in my main-stream class.", therapy, EMD therapy, art therapy, yoga, extra curricular activities - NOT, mediation, learning how to lock up everything you own, buying a safe?, being shot at with an arrow, holy water, IS THAT YOUR AK-47 ON FACE BOOK OMG?, juvenille court, Department of Juvenile Justice, regular court, county jail, suicide ward, 30 years to life in prison, "Um I think you should turn on the news helicopters are chasing your son down Main St. he's running from the State Police." Stroke (oh good it's NOT a heart attack, finding the silver lining in every situation, having SWAT spray your dog AND you in the face with pepper spray AND invade your home, spending your entire meager savings on your sons probation fees, lawyer fees, gas money to and from the near out of state court, and gas to and from all the placements, and then have your son take his biofathers advice - and say 'forget you court system I only have 3 months left on a 3 years felony probation and if I don't show up for this I'll probably get six years in prison', and in the end finally having your son move away to live with the x that you spent countless, countless hours in therapy over because he is a despicable being who is a hard-core drug user who upon having your son live there? Tried to beat your son to a bloody pulp? - and in the end kicking him out and finally realizing there is NOTHING you can do about it. </p><p> </p><p>Yup......life is grand...........BUT.........</p><p> </p><p>Despite my fears of - "If I kick him out - will he ?</p><p>End up dead, in prison, on drugs, or booze? Will his Father kill him or hold him for ransom - Will he eat, will he starve, get an education, ever find a job? Make something out of his life? Forgive me, Call me? Ever Talk to me Again?" </p><p> </p><p>He -----(at age 20 now) </p><p> </p><p>Is not dead, has gotten a few tickets, but has actually been commended by law enforcement for being NOTHING like his biofather where as he is so turned off by what he has witnessed in the drug world? He can't stand it. I'm pretty sure he's had a drink or a drunk, but I don't think it appealed to him much and when food vs. booze? Food wins out. He's actually had to crawl in dumpsters for food, slept out in the park, been homeless - didn't like it much. Did it break my heart? Not as much as it broke his and when he admitted in broken tones that he had it good and never realized it? I'm not sure if I cried because my heart was sad or happy. As far as find a job? Well you have to have a car in order to do that, and you have to pay your tickets in order to do that, and in order to do that you have to have a job, and a car. What to do, what to do? And you know what? Your "BUDS" don't like to take you all over for free - they want GAS money - and you know what? In order to do pay them? You have to have a job. So that's a new reality. And to hear the words "I have to find a job Momma." - I mean he's not lazy - he wants to work, but for him to get a license? He has a mental block about his brother burning being the wheel and dying so - maybe THAT will haunt him enough to get him back into therapy? He said for now he'll ride his bike. And as far as dumpster diving? I told him he probably qualified for FS, and after a year and a half - and starving? He agreed to go talk to someone - about Disability, FS - possibly getting into school for GED or tech school. I nearly fell out of my chair when he called and said he did go talk to someone. He's in FL and they don't give you FS without helping you get a job - so he's excited about that. He has a caseworker and he laughed and said "Who would have ever thought I'd be happy about having a caseworker?" </p><p> </p><p>I think for us? The fact that the chaos is removed? Gives us the ability to like him, not just love him. Love is unconditional but when you can't like your adult child or constantly feel unappreciated or stressed about HAVING to do things instead of wanting to do things for them? It makes a huge difference in how you react or interact with them. </p><p> </p><p>I know as far as I am concerned if Dude were on drugs, and over the age of 18? (and I'm not discounting alcohol as a drug) but after having lived the life I did with my x and going through all the suicide attempts (over 22) and the rehabs (countless), all the Anon's, and the therapists - short lived as they were? I finally gave up and went to the actual AA, NA, CA meetings and spoke with recovering alcoholics, and drug addicts. What I learned from them helped me make my mind up in leaving my x, and it would forever cement my mind in my opinions about my position with addicts. Everyone that had at least 3 years sobriety told me one word "Leave" - When I asked why? They said "Whether I stayed and supported him or I left and got a life? If he was serious about beating his addiction he would do it with or without me, and it had nothing to do with me. My leaving wouldn't make it or break it, and if it did? He wasn't serious about his sobriety after all. This was a war with himself, not with outside elements. He would have to handle whatever problems the world threw at him every day - straight...and the chances for him to continue to be sober? With his track record? Very slim - he wasn't serious about rehab, he was there to avoid incarceration every time. At 56? He has nothing and has been given more chances by more people to wipe the slate clean with more money to start over, homes, cars, cash - business - a family he threw away- and every time..each and every time? He threw it away for drugs. I'm so glad I did not waste the last 16 years of my life waiting on him to make something happen for me and my son. I'm very sad for him, but I'm glad I walked away - and I'm glad to see that after all these years my son is getting a chance to make those observations for himself. </p><p> </p><p>Maybe with this years of therapy under his hat that I was sure did absolutely NO good - and his recent observations, plus the tough love and our final sacrifice of throwing him to the world? It will all come together for him. I tell everyone I know - It's funny, he's not in my hands any more, I pray every day, I put him in much bigger and better hands, and the odd thing is - the last place I put him is probably the first place I should have. </p><p> </p><p>- I thought I had - I guess I interfered again....lol. </p><p> </p><p>And you?</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 410008, member: 4964"] Adding in our own personal experience here. Dude was the product of a divorced and abusive home. His biofather and I were married 3 years before Dude came along. The relationship lasted 13 years, his biofather is a sociopath/pscyhopath, BiPolar (BP), drug/alcohol abuser and is violent to people/women/animals. That being said, I took Dude at 4 went into hiding, and got him into therapy. I had been in therapy for a year prior to the separation. At age 5 Dude was put into the State Hospital. From there it was a non-ending cycle of residential homes, therapists, psychologists, psychiatrists, meetings, IEP's, family counseling, counseling, hospitalizations, suicide watches, medication tweeks, group homes, therapeutic boarding schools, locked psychiatric facilities, shadows, being black-listed from day cares (lol - well now it's lol), school meetings, rhino skin, warrior Mom status, contained classes, "oh not DUDE in my main-stream class.", therapy, EMD therapy, art therapy, yoga, extra curricular activities - NOT, mediation, learning how to lock up everything you own, buying a safe?, being shot at with an arrow, holy water, IS THAT YOUR AK-47 ON FACE BOOK OMG?, juvenille court, Department of Juvenile Justice, regular court, county jail, suicide ward, 30 years to life in prison, "Um I think you should turn on the news helicopters are chasing your son down Main St. he's running from the State Police." Stroke (oh good it's NOT a heart attack, finding the silver lining in every situation, having SWAT spray your dog AND you in the face with pepper spray AND invade your home, spending your entire meager savings on your sons probation fees, lawyer fees, gas money to and from the near out of state court, and gas to and from all the placements, and then have your son take his biofathers advice - and say 'forget you court system I only have 3 months left on a 3 years felony probation and if I don't show up for this I'll probably get six years in prison', and in the end finally having your son move away to live with the x that you spent countless, countless hours in therapy over because he is a despicable being who is a hard-core drug user who upon having your son live there? Tried to beat your son to a bloody pulp? - and in the end kicking him out and finally realizing there is NOTHING you can do about it. Yup......life is grand...........BUT......... Despite my fears of - "If I kick him out - will he ? End up dead, in prison, on drugs, or booze? Will his Father kill him or hold him for ransom - Will he eat, will he starve, get an education, ever find a job? Make something out of his life? Forgive me, Call me? Ever Talk to me Again?" He -----(at age 20 now) Is not dead, has gotten a few tickets, but has actually been commended by law enforcement for being NOTHING like his biofather where as he is so turned off by what he has witnessed in the drug world? He can't stand it. I'm pretty sure he's had a drink or a drunk, but I don't think it appealed to him much and when food vs. booze? Food wins out. He's actually had to crawl in dumpsters for food, slept out in the park, been homeless - didn't like it much. Did it break my heart? Not as much as it broke his and when he admitted in broken tones that he had it good and never realized it? I'm not sure if I cried because my heart was sad or happy. As far as find a job? Well you have to have a car in order to do that, and you have to pay your tickets in order to do that, and in order to do that you have to have a job, and a car. What to do, what to do? And you know what? Your "BUDS" don't like to take you all over for free - they want GAS money - and you know what? In order to do pay them? You have to have a job. So that's a new reality. And to hear the words "I have to find a job Momma." - I mean he's not lazy - he wants to work, but for him to get a license? He has a mental block about his brother burning being the wheel and dying so - maybe THAT will haunt him enough to get him back into therapy? He said for now he'll ride his bike. And as far as dumpster diving? I told him he probably qualified for FS, and after a year and a half - and starving? He agreed to go talk to someone - about Disability, FS - possibly getting into school for GED or tech school. I nearly fell out of my chair when he called and said he did go talk to someone. He's in FL and they don't give you FS without helping you get a job - so he's excited about that. He has a caseworker and he laughed and said "Who would have ever thought I'd be happy about having a caseworker?" I think for us? The fact that the chaos is removed? Gives us the ability to like him, not just love him. Love is unconditional but when you can't like your adult child or constantly feel unappreciated or stressed about HAVING to do things instead of wanting to do things for them? It makes a huge difference in how you react or interact with them. I know as far as I am concerned if Dude were on drugs, and over the age of 18? (and I'm not discounting alcohol as a drug) but after having lived the life I did with my x and going through all the suicide attempts (over 22) and the rehabs (countless), all the Anon's, and the therapists - short lived as they were? I finally gave up and went to the actual AA, NA, CA meetings and spoke with recovering alcoholics, and drug addicts. What I learned from them helped me make my mind up in leaving my x, and it would forever cement my mind in my opinions about my position with addicts. Everyone that had at least 3 years sobriety told me one word "Leave" - When I asked why? They said "Whether I stayed and supported him or I left and got a life? If he was serious about beating his addiction he would do it with or without me, and it had nothing to do with me. My leaving wouldn't make it or break it, and if it did? He wasn't serious about his sobriety after all. This was a war with himself, not with outside elements. He would have to handle whatever problems the world threw at him every day - straight...and the chances for him to continue to be sober? With his track record? Very slim - he wasn't serious about rehab, he was there to avoid incarceration every time. At 56? He has nothing and has been given more chances by more people to wipe the slate clean with more money to start over, homes, cars, cash - business - a family he threw away- and every time..each and every time? He threw it away for drugs. I'm so glad I did not waste the last 16 years of my life waiting on him to make something happen for me and my son. I'm very sad for him, but I'm glad I walked away - and I'm glad to see that after all these years my son is getting a chance to make those observations for himself. Maybe with this years of therapy under his hat that I was sure did absolutely NO good - and his recent observations, plus the tough love and our final sacrifice of throwing him to the world? It will all come together for him. I tell everyone I know - It's funny, he's not in my hands any more, I pray every day, I put him in much bigger and better hands, and the odd thing is - the last place I put him is probably the first place I should have. - I thought I had - I guess I interfered again....lol. And you? [/QUOTE]
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Do you throw them out? What are YOUR feelings ? Explain your detachment.
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