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does anyone else just lose it with-difficult child?
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<blockquote data-quote="slsh" data-source="post: 17423" data-attributes="member: 8"><p>Oh, *absolutely*!! For me it was a combination of frustration and not having any tools to deal with- thank you differently. My parents were spankers and screamers, and I turned out ok (I think) - at the very least, I was the definition of a easy child as a kid. But thank you was not fazed in the least by my screaming nor my spanking. Therapists (in the early days of difficult child-thank you) were useless because they were putting it all on my poor parenting skills or other extraneous "causes". Sure my parenting skills were part of the problem, but the bigger problem was that typical parenting skills, or traditional parenting skills, simply were never going to cut it with- thank you. </p><p></p><p>It really wasn't until I joined the board that I started to get control over my responses. A lot of encouragement and reinforcement from past and present members. When you lose control (or in our house, show any kind of emotional reaction at all), your difficult child "wins". I'm a very competitive person so that probably was the biggest thing that helped me learn to contain myself. Also, my ranting and raving *never* worked, ever. Didn't make him stop the behaviors, frequently escalated them. Definitely time to try something new. I think it was Blondie who suggested whispering when I really wanted to yell. Tried that - takes a ton of self control, but it *did* freak thank you out... which in itself was very reinforcing for me (LOL - see, you definitely *don't* win worst mother of the year award). Walking away, counting, deep breathing... all strategies I've used in the past. </p><p></p><p>It takes a lot of practice, and I'm not sure we ever master it completely. We slip, we make mistakes, we try to do better. Another big benefit of asserting control on our own anger and frustration is we're not left with that "bad mommy" hangover either. When I was able to handle an episode with- thank you better, I felt a smidge more competant as his mom, which really helped me to keep on trying to do better.</p><p></p><p>Had to laugh at your "snap out of it" impulse... Just last week, thank you's therapist and I were wishing we could just shake him enough to get that big piece to fall into place, that it would be that easy. Heaven knows, there *have* been times when I've asked him if he sees what he's doing, how outrageous his behavior is at a given time. Might as well be talking to a wall.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="slsh, post: 17423, member: 8"] Oh, *absolutely*!! For me it was a combination of frustration and not having any tools to deal with- thank you differently. My parents were spankers and screamers, and I turned out ok (I think) - at the very least, I was the definition of a easy child as a kid. But thank you was not fazed in the least by my screaming nor my spanking. Therapists (in the early days of difficult child-thank you) were useless because they were putting it all on my poor parenting skills or other extraneous "causes". Sure my parenting skills were part of the problem, but the bigger problem was that typical parenting skills, or traditional parenting skills, simply were never going to cut it with- thank you. It really wasn't until I joined the board that I started to get control over my responses. A lot of encouragement and reinforcement from past and present members. When you lose control (or in our house, show any kind of emotional reaction at all), your difficult child "wins". I'm a very competitive person so that probably was the biggest thing that helped me learn to contain myself. Also, my ranting and raving *never* worked, ever. Didn't make him stop the behaviors, frequently escalated them. Definitely time to try something new. I think it was Blondie who suggested whispering when I really wanted to yell. Tried that - takes a ton of self control, but it *did* freak thank you out... which in itself was very reinforcing for me (LOL - see, you definitely *don't* win worst mother of the year award). Walking away, counting, deep breathing... all strategies I've used in the past. It takes a lot of practice, and I'm not sure we ever master it completely. We slip, we make mistakes, we try to do better. Another big benefit of asserting control on our own anger and frustration is we're not left with that "bad mommy" hangover either. When I was able to handle an episode with- thank you better, I felt a smidge more competant as his mom, which really helped me to keep on trying to do better. Had to laugh at your "snap out of it" impulse... Just last week, thank you's therapist and I were wishing we could just shake him enough to get that big piece to fall into place, that it would be that easy. Heaven knows, there *have* been times when I've asked him if he sees what he's doing, how outrageous his behavior is at a given time. Might as well be talking to a wall. [/QUOTE]
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