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Does anyone remember "Goodnight, Moon"?
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<blockquote data-quote="ScentofCedar" data-source="post: 36591" data-attributes="member: 3353"><p>So, that's Abbey, quoting hearthope. I never talk about difficult child, either. Only here, or with his sister. If I do talk about him? I never tell the truth, because I don't want to worry his grandmothers or air our family's laundry.</p><p></p><p>But would we feel that way if our difficult children were physically ill?</p><p></p><p>I think there would be sympathy for us from others. Imagine a conversation where some other parent is yakking on about how successful little Jimmy is, and you say "Oh, I know. My son or daughter was doing so well too, until the mortal illness struck."</p><p></p><p>Think of the difference in the quality of the response you receive from other parents, or from family members, because our difficult children are involved with drugs or crime instead of being terminaly ill. (I know this is sick ~ but I am going somewhere with this thought. Somewhre good, I think.) We truly are not the ones displaying these kinds of moral weaknesses or making these bad choices, and yet, compared to parents whose children have managed to do what they were supposed to, WE ARE BEING CONTINUALLY PUNISHED AND ACCEPTING THAT DESIGNATION.</p><p></p><p>Here is the proof: imagine how others would interact with you, or how you would present the information, if your difficult child were terminally ill with something that has nothing to do with a sexually transmitted illness. (It just occurred to me that parents whose children have AIDS must be walking a path even tougher than our own paths have been.) So, imagine you are talking about the good fight your child is putting up against a terminal illness ~ and imagine the difference in the reactions you would receive.</p><p></p><p>Well, that is what is happening to us. That is the cost, and there is the source of so much of our pain.</p><p></p><p>It is like thinking about our marriages or our careers or anything else. We need to count the costs and weight the benefits, not only of the good or bad things that DO happen, but of the good things that do NOT happen.</p><p></p><p>And we are punishing ourselves to the point that, at least for me, anything good in our lives had been viewed as tainted. Instead of nursery music, my memories are playing the theme to Jaws. (It must have been bad because look what happened is how those thought patterns run, right?)</p><p></p><p>Everything colored with forbidding spookiness and with phrases like "I should have known." echoing in the background.</p><p></p><p>No wonder we feel as we do.</p><p></p><p>How can we change this?</p><p></p><p>The Wizard of Oz (that is what is on my mind this morning ~ something about the scarecrow and the tinman always having had a brain and a heart, and the lion always having had courage, but needing a piece of paper, to tell them so).</p><p></p><p>And how ridiculous the Wizard looked, once they finally got to Oz.</p><p> </p><p>That,and a phrase from the novel ShoGun.</p><p></p><p>"Build another."</p><p></p><p>As long as we have accepted that there is shame in what has happened to our kids, we will never heal.</p><p></p><p>IS there shame in it?</p><p></p><p>Should we feel more shame than a parent whose child has a terminal illness?</p><p></p><p>Do we have any more control over our children's situations than a parent whose child has a terminal illness, than a parent who is fighting for the physical, and not only the mental and emotional, life of his or her child?</p><p></p><p>Are we in any less pain?</p><p></p><p>Are we any less desperate to try anything, anything at all, to save them?</p><p></p><p>And yet, we are not seen as noble. And we do not see ourselves as noble.</p><p></p><p>And we do not see the battles our addicted children do mount ~ the times they managed to stay away from it for a month or a minute ~ as noble. </p><p></p><p>And not to put too fine a point on it? But MY difficult child IS terminal. He is already gone, and I watched him fall apart and there was nothing, NOTHING I could do.</p><p></p><p>And there was no one to have me for coffee or bring me casseroles or flowers or send sympathy cards while I watched my son lose his battle.</p><p></p><p>I was supposed to buck up, to keep my pain hidden.</p><p></p><p>We all are supposed to buck up and keep our pain hidden.</p><p></p><p>So, the person whose mind we most need to change, the person who most needs to see the situation with our children differently?</p><p></p><p>Is us.</p><p></p><p>But how may we do that?</p><p></p><p>Barbara</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="ScentofCedar, post: 36591, member: 3353"] So, that's Abbey, quoting hearthope. I never talk about difficult child, either. Only here, or with his sister. If I do talk about him? I never tell the truth, because I don't want to worry his grandmothers or air our family's laundry. But would we feel that way if our difficult children were physically ill? I think there would be sympathy for us from others. Imagine a conversation where some other parent is yakking on about how successful little Jimmy is, and you say "Oh, I know. My son or daughter was doing so well too, until the mortal illness struck." Think of the difference in the quality of the response you receive from other parents, or from family members, because our difficult children are involved with drugs or crime instead of being terminaly ill. (I know this is sick ~ but I am going somewhere with this thought. Somewhre good, I think.) We truly are not the ones displaying these kinds of moral weaknesses or making these bad choices, and yet, compared to parents whose children have managed to do what they were supposed to, WE ARE BEING CONTINUALLY PUNISHED AND ACCEPTING THAT DESIGNATION. Here is the proof: imagine how others would interact with you, or how you would present the information, if your difficult child were terminally ill with something that has nothing to do with a sexually transmitted illness. (It just occurred to me that parents whose children have AIDS must be walking a path even tougher than our own paths have been.) So, imagine you are talking about the good fight your child is putting up against a terminal illness ~ and imagine the difference in the reactions you would receive. Well, that is what is happening to us. That is the cost, and there is the source of so much of our pain. It is like thinking about our marriages or our careers or anything else. We need to count the costs and weight the benefits, not only of the good or bad things that DO happen, but of the good things that do NOT happen. And we are punishing ourselves to the point that, at least for me, anything good in our lives had been viewed as tainted. Instead of nursery music, my memories are playing the theme to Jaws. (It must have been bad because look what happened is how those thought patterns run, right?) Everything colored with forbidding spookiness and with phrases like "I should have known." echoing in the background. No wonder we feel as we do. How can we change this? The Wizard of Oz (that is what is on my mind this morning ~ something about the scarecrow and the tinman always having had a brain and a heart, and the lion always having had courage, but needing a piece of paper, to tell them so). And how ridiculous the Wizard looked, once they finally got to Oz. That,and a phrase from the novel ShoGun. "Build another." As long as we have accepted that there is shame in what has happened to our kids, we will never heal. IS there shame in it? Should we feel more shame than a parent whose child has a terminal illness? Do we have any more control over our children's situations than a parent whose child has a terminal illness, than a parent who is fighting for the physical, and not only the mental and emotional, life of his or her child? Are we in any less pain? Are we any less desperate to try anything, anything at all, to save them? And yet, we are not seen as noble. And we do not see ourselves as noble. And we do not see the battles our addicted children do mount ~ the times they managed to stay away from it for a month or a minute ~ as noble. And not to put too fine a point on it? But MY difficult child IS terminal. He is already gone, and I watched him fall apart and there was nothing, NOTHING I could do. And there was no one to have me for coffee or bring me casseroles or flowers or send sympathy cards while I watched my son lose his battle. I was supposed to buck up, to keep my pain hidden. We all are supposed to buck up and keep our pain hidden. So, the person whose mind we most need to change, the person who most needs to see the situation with our children differently? Is us. But how may we do that? Barbara [/QUOTE]
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Does anyone remember "Goodnight, Moon"?
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