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General Parenting
Does It Really Ever Get Easier
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 243687" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>Ya know.......I guess our kids could ask that same question. </p><p> </p><p>Does talking to my parents EVER get any easier? Will I ever have a morning where my Mother will come in and be able to ask me a question without me feeling like I have to fire back at her with ugly words and attitude. </p><p></p><p>Think it doesn't happen at 7???? WRONG......oh very wrong. </p><p> </p><p>They may not think about it just like I wrote - BUT.....they do think about it, and it sets the tone for their day sometimes perpetuating one bad thing after another. </p><p> </p><p>WOULDN'T it be GREAT if we could talk to our kids better? Not perfect but better? Find that secret language or the Rosetta Stone to GFGness? </p><p> </p><p>It exists - it really does. It takes a lot of work for the rest of YOUR life because we, as adults ALSO get set in our ways and trying to understand that HOW we speak to our special needs kids IS NOT the BEST WAY to speak to them is as foreign as "Put on your socks we need to go." as we think it is. It sounded clear...it identified that socks MUSt be worn and WE NEED to go (or we're on a schedule) AND we asked niecly without yelling or barking.....yet in the mind and ear filters of our lovely 7 year old child it came out </p><p> </p><p>(with blasting hot air and a glass busting decible level) similar to the screeching of an owl during a full moon finding a martin in the swamp grass...</p><p></p><p>PUT YOUR SOCKS ON NOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW AND YOU ARE MAKING US LATTTTTTTE AND DO I NOWWWWWWWWWWW NOW NOW NOW NOW.....</p><p> </p><p>yet that isnt' what we said AT ALL. But...that's what they heard. </p><p> </p><p>There is a little thing that can be learned and OH MY GOSH is it a lifesaver. It's called effective communication. It really opened my eyes to the fact that I did not take into consideration WHAT I was saying or HOW I was saying it. </p><p> </p><p>You said Put on your socks we need to leave.....and it was on. ON BIG TIME. </p><p> </p><p>What if you had trained yourself to say: Instead....</p><p>Which socks did you choose to wear today? The white ones or black ones? </p><p>And a normal response from a difficult child (whos already uptight about facing a school day that we have NO IDEA how stressful it is for him because of a number of things) would be....</p><p>NEITHER - SOCKS ARE STUPID. </p><p>And instead of firing back - </p><p>YOU MUST WEAR SOCKS. </p><p>You said....</p><p>"Well then today is stupid sock day and I proclaim in your name no socks are to be worn on your feet." </p><p>END OF THAT.....</p><p>Then you also add - </p><p>We're leaving in 5 minutes.....and say NOTHING ELSE about the socks</p><p>then you say in 3 minutes </p><p>We're leaving in 3 minutes - and say NOTHING ELSE about anything</p><p>then you say "ONE MINUTE WARNING".....I bet you can make it before I walk out that door. </p><p>THEN wait one minute and say "</p><p>TIMES UP.....I bet we can beat the bell at school." </p><p> </p><p>And in a good world - a competitive difficult child learns to hear a timer warning. THIS helps so much with any kid I've ever met. </p><p>How about if you were in your office or at work.....and trying to do whatever....and your boss walked in and yelled - WE NEED TO GO NOW!</p><p>Did you get a warning? (think about being 7 and not having the experience you do to get organized in a pinch and get out NOW) ......see? </p><p>Do you think that would make you want to grumble to the boss....? Sure you had an idea you had to go but you lost track of time - because you are 7 and you have really no concept of time....really. But if that same boss walked in and said "Okay folks, we need to wrap up this project and get it out of here in 5 mins." then left.....you'de work harder to get done....and then he would say "3 minutes people." and you would know in your head - you have 2 minutes.....at 30ish you KNOW what you can do in 2 minutes - and you can train a 7 year old to understand a concept of time also. Then you are finishing.....and VIola - you're done....ready and no grumbling about idiot boss....that rushes you. </p><p> </p><p>There's a really great book out called How to speak so your children will listen and how to listen so your children will speak that you can get through our website at Amazon.com and it will take you one week at a time in re-training YOURSELF and how people say very negative things every day but have NO idea that's how they are taken by children. </p><p>There's one for teens too.....and I swear it's the most helpful thing I've ever used with my son. </p><p> </p><p>Therapy was the best thing I ever did for us as a family to LEARN how to enact effective communication - if you don't know how or never really learned how to be the captain of a ship - it would be hard to just jump on the ship and say AVAST ye - pull the jib, flop the main sail, weigh the anchor....I mean you get the meaning from movies,......but unless you are on a ship (or a sinking ship in difficult child cases) you have no clue how to communicate to your crew what you want. And in turn they have NO flippin' idea what a jib is or a main sail......Know what I mean??? </p><p> </p><p>GO GET 'EM .........</p><p>and yes it does get easier because knowledge is POWER in all aspects of life. As a Mom - you'll empower yourself with all the best tools to communicate with your kids.....and you will also learn how to detach. I figure if one doesn't help you the other certainly will prepare you. </p><p> </p><p>Hugs</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 243687, member: 4964"] Ya know.......I guess our kids could ask that same question. Does talking to my parents EVER get any easier? Will I ever have a morning where my Mother will come in and be able to ask me a question without me feeling like I have to fire back at her with ugly words and attitude. Think it doesn't happen at 7???? WRONG......oh very wrong. They may not think about it just like I wrote - BUT.....they do think about it, and it sets the tone for their day sometimes perpetuating one bad thing after another. WOULDN'T it be GREAT if we could talk to our kids better? Not perfect but better? Find that secret language or the Rosetta Stone to GFGness? It exists - it really does. It takes a lot of work for the rest of YOUR life because we, as adults ALSO get set in our ways and trying to understand that HOW we speak to our special needs kids IS NOT the BEST WAY to speak to them is as foreign as "Put on your socks we need to go." as we think it is. It sounded clear...it identified that socks MUSt be worn and WE NEED to go (or we're on a schedule) AND we asked niecly without yelling or barking.....yet in the mind and ear filters of our lovely 7 year old child it came out (with blasting hot air and a glass busting decible level) similar to the screeching of an owl during a full moon finding a martin in the swamp grass... PUT YOUR SOCKS ON NOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW AND YOU ARE MAKING US LATTTTTTTE AND DO I NOWWWWWWWWWWW NOW NOW NOW NOW..... yet that isnt' what we said AT ALL. But...that's what they heard. There is a little thing that can be learned and OH MY GOSH is it a lifesaver. It's called effective communication. It really opened my eyes to the fact that I did not take into consideration WHAT I was saying or HOW I was saying it. You said Put on your socks we need to leave.....and it was on. ON BIG TIME. What if you had trained yourself to say: Instead.... Which socks did you choose to wear today? The white ones or black ones? And a normal response from a difficult child (whos already uptight about facing a school day that we have NO IDEA how stressful it is for him because of a number of things) would be.... NEITHER - SOCKS ARE STUPID. And instead of firing back - YOU MUST WEAR SOCKS. You said.... "Well then today is stupid sock day and I proclaim in your name no socks are to be worn on your feet." END OF THAT..... Then you also add - We're leaving in 5 minutes.....and say NOTHING ELSE about the socks then you say in 3 minutes We're leaving in 3 minutes - and say NOTHING ELSE about anything then you say "ONE MINUTE WARNING".....I bet you can make it before I walk out that door. THEN wait one minute and say " TIMES UP.....I bet we can beat the bell at school." And in a good world - a competitive difficult child learns to hear a timer warning. THIS helps so much with any kid I've ever met. How about if you were in your office or at work.....and trying to do whatever....and your boss walked in and yelled - WE NEED TO GO NOW! Did you get a warning? (think about being 7 and not having the experience you do to get organized in a pinch and get out NOW) ......see? Do you think that would make you want to grumble to the boss....? Sure you had an idea you had to go but you lost track of time - because you are 7 and you have really no concept of time....really. But if that same boss walked in and said "Okay folks, we need to wrap up this project and get it out of here in 5 mins." then left.....you'de work harder to get done....and then he would say "3 minutes people." and you would know in your head - you have 2 minutes.....at 30ish you KNOW what you can do in 2 minutes - and you can train a 7 year old to understand a concept of time also. Then you are finishing.....and VIola - you're done....ready and no grumbling about idiot boss....that rushes you. There's a really great book out called How to speak so your children will listen and how to listen so your children will speak that you can get through our website at Amazon.com and it will take you one week at a time in re-training YOURSELF and how people say very negative things every day but have NO idea that's how they are taken by children. There's one for teens too.....and I swear it's the most helpful thing I've ever used with my son. Therapy was the best thing I ever did for us as a family to LEARN how to enact effective communication - if you don't know how or never really learned how to be the captain of a ship - it would be hard to just jump on the ship and say AVAST ye - pull the jib, flop the main sail, weigh the anchor....I mean you get the meaning from movies,......but unless you are on a ship (or a sinking ship in difficult child cases) you have no clue how to communicate to your crew what you want. And in turn they have NO flippin' idea what a jib is or a main sail......Know what I mean??? GO GET 'EM ......... and yes it does get easier because knowledge is POWER in all aspects of life. As a Mom - you'll empower yourself with all the best tools to communicate with your kids.....and you will also learn how to detach. I figure if one doesn't help you the other certainly will prepare you. Hugs [/QUOTE]
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