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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 446001" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>My mother has some good answers for this. "I am sorry that you are choosing to not remember the positive things I have told you. Would it be reasonable for me to actually stop saying them as apparently they are a waste of my time, energy and breath?" </p><p></p><p>This one stopped gfgbro cold in his tracks and shocked him so much he forgot what he was ranting about. Mostly because my mother is way too patient with him and to push her to this point (with him) is a BIG deal - and she would do it with him for at least a little while.</p><p></p><p>When he tried the "you hate me, you love susiestar more than me" koi more than she felt was reasonable (she felt most kids said it a time or two and if you ignored it then it would go away. When it didn't go away fast enough, Mom came up with this line.) she told him "I love you both and you know it. In this family we do not compare love, it just is. I DO like her actions in the last day/week/month/recently more than I like yours. That is very true."</p><p></p><p>Always and never statements were addressed when I was 12 and Mom dragged us to a therapist (rare in the very early 80's). The therapist taught us to fight fair and that is the one rule that Mom stuck to. "The only time always and never are true is in the following rule: It is ALWAYS untrue to say that people always or never do anything. People just are not that consistent." </p><p></p><p>When Wiz was in the psychiatric hospital we learned that much of what he did and said when he was in trouble or wanted something was either justification for his actions/choices or it was plain old manipulations. The koi you are talking about was specifically defined as being manipulation 98% of the time. It isn't just our difficult children that do this - it is classic for the difficult children, mentally ill, personality disordered, teens and children. If it works they keep doing it. The staff at the psychiatric hospital would just hold up their index fingers to interrupt and say "manipulation". NOT "that is manipulative" or "you are manipulating" or "we don't manipulate" or "no manipulation". Just that ONE word and NOTHING else. If it was some explanation or reason for what they did and they were NOT asked why they did it, we simply said "justification". If there was a consequence for manipulation or justification it was imposed with no discussion, just those words. We didn't tell him that he now lost 30 min screen time, or owed us a quarter. We just held out a hand for the quarter or whatever and turned off what he was doing with a screen and set a timer for the 30 min. If he kept it up we just kept adding time/$ to the penalty. </p><p></p><p>The ONLY time he could get away with justification was if we asked him what he was thinking or why he did something. Then it was a response to a direct questions and was allowed. We were taught to ask those questions as rarely as possible because a difficult child can almost always come up with some reason if they want to.</p><p></p><p>Have you read parenting your teen with love and logic? one thing all the l&l books say is to come up with a phrase that works for you and expresses empathy with-o trying to fix anything or contradict anything or give them an opening to argue. In the seminar I took, Dr. Fay Sr said that one teacher he worked iwth in NYC used "S**ks to be you" but it WORKED for him and his students. The phrase should express empathy but NOT fix the problem or let them off the hook. I tend to use "I bet that is hard for you." or That doesn't sound like fun." You don't say much, just practice the phrase that you pick and use it when they are getting into how awful something is for them.</p><p></p><p>Gfgbro came up with the BEST line for when niece gets a boo-boo. With ALL the caring that he feels for her, because he truly loves her and wants her to not hurt, he says "Oh, sweetie, that will feel better when it stops hurting." it is sincere, honest, empathetic and in my opinion is AWESOME.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 446001, member: 1233"] My mother has some good answers for this. "I am sorry that you are choosing to not remember the positive things I have told you. Would it be reasonable for me to actually stop saying them as apparently they are a waste of my time, energy and breath?" This one stopped gfgbro cold in his tracks and shocked him so much he forgot what he was ranting about. Mostly because my mother is way too patient with him and to push her to this point (with him) is a BIG deal - and she would do it with him for at least a little while. When he tried the "you hate me, you love susiestar more than me" koi more than she felt was reasonable (she felt most kids said it a time or two and if you ignored it then it would go away. When it didn't go away fast enough, Mom came up with this line.) she told him "I love you both and you know it. In this family we do not compare love, it just is. I DO like her actions in the last day/week/month/recently more than I like yours. That is very true." Always and never statements were addressed when I was 12 and Mom dragged us to a therapist (rare in the very early 80's). The therapist taught us to fight fair and that is the one rule that Mom stuck to. "The only time always and never are true is in the following rule: It is ALWAYS untrue to say that people always or never do anything. People just are not that consistent." When Wiz was in the psychiatric hospital we learned that much of what he did and said when he was in trouble or wanted something was either justification for his actions/choices or it was plain old manipulations. The koi you are talking about was specifically defined as being manipulation 98% of the time. It isn't just our difficult children that do this - it is classic for the difficult children, mentally ill, personality disordered, teens and children. If it works they keep doing it. The staff at the psychiatric hospital would just hold up their index fingers to interrupt and say "manipulation". NOT "that is manipulative" or "you are manipulating" or "we don't manipulate" or "no manipulation". Just that ONE word and NOTHING else. If it was some explanation or reason for what they did and they were NOT asked why they did it, we simply said "justification". If there was a consequence for manipulation or justification it was imposed with no discussion, just those words. We didn't tell him that he now lost 30 min screen time, or owed us a quarter. We just held out a hand for the quarter or whatever and turned off what he was doing with a screen and set a timer for the 30 min. If he kept it up we just kept adding time/$ to the penalty. The ONLY time he could get away with justification was if we asked him what he was thinking or why he did something. Then it was a response to a direct questions and was allowed. We were taught to ask those questions as rarely as possible because a difficult child can almost always come up with some reason if they want to. Have you read parenting your teen with love and logic? one thing all the l&l books say is to come up with a phrase that works for you and expresses empathy with-o trying to fix anything or contradict anything or give them an opening to argue. In the seminar I took, Dr. Fay Sr said that one teacher he worked iwth in NYC used "S**ks to be you" but it WORKED for him and his students. The phrase should express empathy but NOT fix the problem or let them off the hook. I tend to use "I bet that is hard for you." or That doesn't sound like fun." You don't say much, just practice the phrase that you pick and use it when they are getting into how awful something is for them. Gfgbro came up with the BEST line for when niece gets a boo-boo. With ALL the caring that he feels for her, because he truly loves her and wants her to not hurt, he says "Oh, sweetie, that will feel better when it stops hurting." it is sincere, honest, empathetic and in my opinion is AWESOME. [/QUOTE]
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