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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 634404" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>What could you do by driving him that the paramedics couldn't?</p><p></p><p>I have a 36 year old difficult child, but he is more episodic. He hasn't been home or gotten money from us for years and he can't live with us again. We want peaceful golden years, not caring for a man like he is still a child. Fortunately for us, he lives two states away and is basically being responsible these days. I do give him emotional support and, of course, my love, but no money and he can be scary so he can't ever live with us again, no matter what.</p><p></p><p>Your son is nearing middle age and you taught him all he needs to know way before this. I'm sure you did not teach him to hang with druggies and be disrespectful of the law and yourself, but he chose to take your advice and discard it. There is nothing more you can or in my opinion should do for him. It hasn't changed him yet. He doesn't need a "mommy" at his age. He needs to grow up and I feel they don't when we still play the mommy role. They never learn that their behavior and consequences are because of themselves and on them. Your son made a poor choice with that homeless man. It isn't his first bad choice. He keeps making them then expects you to rescue him, which you have done in the past. Also, our adult children in the streets and on drugs do not tell us the real truth. They tell us what they know will soften us up so we'[ll give them things, usually money, which is often not spent the way we want it to be spend and often money we can not afford to give them for our own well being. In the end, nothing changes</p><p></p><p>Your son has the mindset of most difficult child's, very childish and sometimes filled with "I'm going to get those who cheat me" forgetting their role in these mishaps. Proof of your middle age son's mindset is that he wants YOU to drive around to find this man who he claims stole from him...for what? To beat him up? He isn't going to involve the cops. You can not trust any stories your son tells you while he is on drugs. Not that he was stolen from. Not that he is looking for work. Nothing. My daughter told me, after she quit drugs, "Never trust a drug addict. All they do is lie." I believe her. She was like that when she used drugs.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Your son is probably breaking the law too. He may get money by selling drugs. My daughter claims that if you use, you sell. At any rate, I have volunteered at places that let people come in and take free clothing and other needs, including some food, which is not really hard to find even if you are homeless. I also volunteered at a homeless shelter. As long as you followed their rules you got a yummy church lady's home cooked meal and a place to sleep. Many of our difficult children don't go because they don't want to follow the rules so they are cold and may skip a chance at a good meal, but there are many resources for food.</p><p></p><p>Until your son decides to get sober, and he has to do this on his own because you can not influence that, he will not have money or a job or a stable life. That goes with taking drugs. If he has other mental health issues, they will get worse while he takes the drugs. And you have 0% control over that, which is scary...but it's true. You have 100% control over your own life and your reactions to your abusive son. He IS abusing youk. Would you listen to lies and abuse about his childhood and how awful you are if they weren't coming from your disturbed, manipulative son? Of course not. What he says about you isn't true and is best discarded and not fueled by a response. The more you respond to it, the more he will do it. I have told 36 that, "If you are not respectful to me when we speak...if you so much as raise your voice or ask for anything" then I will gently hang up." I have. Things are much calmer over the phone now. He either has to abide by the boundaries or I will hang up and not answer for several days. If he threatens suicide, I hang up instantly and call 911. The threats have ceased. He wanted MY attention, not the paramedics. If he had a Facebook, I wouldn't read it when he was angry. I'm not sure I'd pay for a cell phone. Kids on the streets find ways to get in touch with us when they want something...there is always the library for email. I can't say because, unlike some difficult children, he does pay his own bills most of the time. And we never pay them. Sometimes his father does. We are divorced.</p><p></p><p>Have you ever gone to a twelve step meeting or found a therapist just for you, to help you cope with your son's dysfunction while also living a good life yourself? It can be done. It often is a work in process, but you have been doing this long enough, in my opinion, and your son isn't any better off for it. Do you have other loved ones who need you to be a healthy and stress-free you? Have you thought about the fact t hat you are important and deserve peace and serenity, even if your grown son is not choosing it for himself? Therapy and Twelve Step is in my opinion the way to go.</p><p></p><p>Do you want to be eighty years old and still chasing around with your sixty year old son, still playing into his drama, wasting all those years?</p><p></p><p>Some parents choose to do this.</p><p></p><p>Most of us here on the forum have chosen to detach with love and have a good life. We can help you with that. We can not help you fix your son. Nor can you fix him.</p><p></p><p>Hugs for your hurting heart.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 634404, member: 1550"] What could you do by driving him that the paramedics couldn't? I have a 36 year old difficult child, but he is more episodic. He hasn't been home or gotten money from us for years and he can't live with us again. We want peaceful golden years, not caring for a man like he is still a child. Fortunately for us, he lives two states away and is basically being responsible these days. I do give him emotional support and, of course, my love, but no money and he can be scary so he can't ever live with us again, no matter what. Your son is nearing middle age and you taught him all he needs to know way before this. I'm sure you did not teach him to hang with druggies and be disrespectful of the law and yourself, but he chose to take your advice and discard it. There is nothing more you can or in my opinion should do for him. It hasn't changed him yet. He doesn't need a "mommy" at his age. He needs to grow up and I feel they don't when we still play the mommy role. They never learn that their behavior and consequences are because of themselves and on them. Your son made a poor choice with that homeless man. It isn't his first bad choice. He keeps making them then expects you to rescue him, which you have done in the past. Also, our adult children in the streets and on drugs do not tell us the real truth. They tell us what they know will soften us up so we'[ll give them things, usually money, which is often not spent the way we want it to be spend and often money we can not afford to give them for our own well being. In the end, nothing changes Your son has the mindset of most difficult child's, very childish and sometimes filled with "I'm going to get those who cheat me" forgetting their role in these mishaps. Proof of your middle age son's mindset is that he wants YOU to drive around to find this man who he claims stole from him...for what? To beat him up? He isn't going to involve the cops. You can not trust any stories your son tells you while he is on drugs. Not that he was stolen from. Not that he is looking for work. Nothing. My daughter told me, after she quit drugs, "Never trust a drug addict. All they do is lie." I believe her. She was like that when she used drugs. Your son is probably breaking the law too. He may get money by selling drugs. My daughter claims that if you use, you sell. At any rate, I have volunteered at places that let people come in and take free clothing and other needs, including some food, which is not really hard to find even if you are homeless. I also volunteered at a homeless shelter. As long as you followed their rules you got a yummy church lady's home cooked meal and a place to sleep. Many of our difficult children don't go because they don't want to follow the rules so they are cold and may skip a chance at a good meal, but there are many resources for food. Until your son decides to get sober, and he has to do this on his own because you can not influence that, he will not have money or a job or a stable life. That goes with taking drugs. If he has other mental health issues, they will get worse while he takes the drugs. And you have 0% control over that, which is scary...but it's true. You have 100% control over your own life and your reactions to your abusive son. He IS abusing youk. Would you listen to lies and abuse about his childhood and how awful you are if they weren't coming from your disturbed, manipulative son? Of course not. What he says about you isn't true and is best discarded and not fueled by a response. The more you respond to it, the more he will do it. I have told 36 that, "If you are not respectful to me when we speak...if you so much as raise your voice or ask for anything" then I will gently hang up." I have. Things are much calmer over the phone now. He either has to abide by the boundaries or I will hang up and not answer for several days. If he threatens suicide, I hang up instantly and call 911. The threats have ceased. He wanted MY attention, not the paramedics. If he had a Facebook, I wouldn't read it when he was angry. I'm not sure I'd pay for a cell phone. Kids on the streets find ways to get in touch with us when they want something...there is always the library for email. I can't say because, unlike some difficult children, he does pay his own bills most of the time. And we never pay them. Sometimes his father does. We are divorced. Have you ever gone to a twelve step meeting or found a therapist just for you, to help you cope with your son's dysfunction while also living a good life yourself? It can be done. It often is a work in process, but you have been doing this long enough, in my opinion, and your son isn't any better off for it. Do you have other loved ones who need you to be a healthy and stress-free you? Have you thought about the fact t hat you are important and deserve peace and serenity, even if your grown son is not choosing it for himself? Therapy and Twelve Step is in my opinion the way to go. Do you want to be eighty years old and still chasing around with your sixty year old son, still playing into his drama, wasting all those years? Some parents choose to do this. Most of us here on the forum have chosen to detach with love and have a good life. We can help you with that. We can not help you fix your son. Nor can you fix him. Hugs for your hurting heart. [/QUOTE]
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