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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 199767" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Topsy Turvy, you said, "It's just so frustrating and getting the extended family to follow suit is hard to do. We have issues with my husbands mother not making excuses and blaming everyone else but where the blame lies. She undoes everything we try to do and try to accomplish."</p><p></p><p>Oh boy, do I know this one! But to reassure you - I am now on very good terms with my mother in law who has moved to live near us. She took a long time to accept the diagnosis, as did a lot of our friends. I understand that often it is the people who love us the most, who would rather believe we're crazy, lying or mistaken, than that there could really be a serious problem. Especially in-laws - they have no vested interest in loving us, but they DO have a genetic investment in their offspring and grandchildren. If there is a flaw in a descendant, then they see it reflecting badly on them. It is so much easier to first deny there is a problem; then blame it on parenting; then blame it on YOUR genes.</p><p></p><p>Ignore it. You have more important things to deal with. Hopefully your mother in law will come round, once she sees more for herself and can no longer deny what is increasingly obvious. After all, your mother in law is the mother of the person you chose to have children with - you at least have some things in common. Hold that thought, then put the rest of your energy into your children.</p><p></p><p>Don't be too critical of your son. I have found that girls can have very similar learning problems to boys, but show it very differently. easy child 2/difficult child 2 was at first considered to be a highly gifted but otherwise normal child. We know now that she's probably Aspie, but more socially competent (in some areas) than is usually seen in Asperger's. Her high IQ helped her adapt amazingly fast in some areas. At other times she seems almost BiPolar (BP) in the way she can change moods and suddenly see everything as overwhelmingly dark. However, I still tink Asperger's explains it all. If only I could get her reassessed!</p><p></p><p>With my three difficult children, they each expressed basically the same disorder, in three very different ways. The tantrums, the bargaining, the histrionics - that was my younger two. difficult child 1 would just sit and "veg out". difficult child 3 had significant language delay issues but now argues logic with the vocabulary of a High Court judge.</p><p></p><p>As far as schoolwork is concerned - in mainstream, difficult child 3 was failing. So was difficult child 1. We have access to a correspondence option and both boys were transferred there and drastically improved. </p><p></p><p>Homework has been a HUGE issue for us, especially when the kids needed medications and didn't have any, or enough, on board. I posted in detail on homework issues on someone else's thread today.</p><p></p><p>Read "Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. Even if you feel you're an expert with your child (and I certainly felt I was, since I not only had already raised easy child and difficult child 1 (to a large extent) but I had also helped my sisters raise their children and undergone teacher training. Yep. I knew it all. And I still say, I was even then, a very good mother, one of the best. But I was doing it wrong, for difficult child 3. Almost the opposite of what he needed - dead wrong.</p><p></p><p>Not my fault - how could we know? We were parenting the only way we knew, according to how we had been taught and according to all the best books. </p><p></p><p>Read the book. For us, it made life easier. More enjoyable. And difficult child 3 - the changes are amazing. He is still autistic, but now his self-esteem is so much better, he is in much better control of his anxiety and academically, he actively works on his lessons and goes looking for answers. He is an independent learner in most subject areas.</p><p></p><p>Yes, we had the whining, raging battles over homework. We were finding ways to cope. We now cope in different ways. What has helped - teaching difficult child 3 to take personal responsibility. And yes, natural consequences are a very big way to make this work. After all, that is life.</p><p></p><p>Try to find my other post. It saves me clogging up this one.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 199767, member: 1991"] Topsy Turvy, you said, "It's just so frustrating and getting the extended family to follow suit is hard to do. We have issues with my husbands mother not making excuses and blaming everyone else but where the blame lies. She undoes everything we try to do and try to accomplish." Oh boy, do I know this one! But to reassure you - I am now on very good terms with my mother in law who has moved to live near us. She took a long time to accept the diagnosis, as did a lot of our friends. I understand that often it is the people who love us the most, who would rather believe we're crazy, lying or mistaken, than that there could really be a serious problem. Especially in-laws - they have no vested interest in loving us, but they DO have a genetic investment in their offspring and grandchildren. If there is a flaw in a descendant, then they see it reflecting badly on them. It is so much easier to first deny there is a problem; then blame it on parenting; then blame it on YOUR genes. Ignore it. You have more important things to deal with. Hopefully your mother in law will come round, once she sees more for herself and can no longer deny what is increasingly obvious. After all, your mother in law is the mother of the person you chose to have children with - you at least have some things in common. Hold that thought, then put the rest of your energy into your children. Don't be too critical of your son. I have found that girls can have very similar learning problems to boys, but show it very differently. easy child 2/difficult child 2 was at first considered to be a highly gifted but otherwise normal child. We know now that she's probably Aspie, but more socially competent (in some areas) than is usually seen in Asperger's. Her high IQ helped her adapt amazingly fast in some areas. At other times she seems almost BiPolar (BP) in the way she can change moods and suddenly see everything as overwhelmingly dark. However, I still tink Asperger's explains it all. If only I could get her reassessed! With my three difficult children, they each expressed basically the same disorder, in three very different ways. The tantrums, the bargaining, the histrionics - that was my younger two. difficult child 1 would just sit and "veg out". difficult child 3 had significant language delay issues but now argues logic with the vocabulary of a High Court judge. As far as schoolwork is concerned - in mainstream, difficult child 3 was failing. So was difficult child 1. We have access to a correspondence option and both boys were transferred there and drastically improved. Homework has been a HUGE issue for us, especially when the kids needed medications and didn't have any, or enough, on board. I posted in detail on homework issues on someone else's thread today. Read "Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. Even if you feel you're an expert with your child (and I certainly felt I was, since I not only had already raised easy child and difficult child 1 (to a large extent) but I had also helped my sisters raise their children and undergone teacher training. Yep. I knew it all. And I still say, I was even then, a very good mother, one of the best. But I was doing it wrong, for difficult child 3. Almost the opposite of what he needed - dead wrong. Not my fault - how could we know? We were parenting the only way we knew, according to how we had been taught and according to all the best books. Read the book. For us, it made life easier. More enjoyable. And difficult child 3 - the changes are amazing. He is still autistic, but now his self-esteem is so much better, he is in much better control of his anxiety and academically, he actively works on his lessons and goes looking for answers. He is an independent learner in most subject areas. Yes, we had the whining, raging battles over homework. We were finding ways to cope. We now cope in different ways. What has helped - teaching difficult child 3 to take personal responsibility. And yes, natural consequences are a very big way to make this work. After all, that is life. Try to find my other post. It saves me clogging up this one. Marg [/QUOTE]
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