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Doubt and Guilt...Need a reality check
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<blockquote data-quote="WearyMom18" data-source="post: 654353" data-attributes="member: 18856"><p>Such great words COM - it's hard sometimes, especially when I'm missing her and it's been a long week, to NOT think of her as my sweet little girl and then start feeling sad for what must be a terrible existence. I know she has chosen it but I'm not sure that she understood what the consequences would be until they happened. Of course, I told her what would happen but she's always been on of those kiddos that had to learn on her own - usually the hard way.</p><p></p><p>In many of our situations, we didn't get what I think of as the 'normal' separation where your son/daughter graduates from high school and then maybe goes off to college or moves into their first apartment. You have time to prepare and plan and go through that transition with them. With our Difficult Child's, the transition to an empty nest and having to detach from our children isn't a result of the normal progression of life, it's the result of their behavior and actions and choices and all for the wrong reasons. It's almost worst case scenario for most of us - I can't say my kid turned out okay because she's not okay. I know it's not my fault that she made the choices that she did but the fact remains that she's not okay and she might never be okay.</p><p></p><p>I am moving on with my life, making vacation plans, working, enjoying family and friends and I'm doing it all without my child in my life and that goes against every grain in a mother's body.</p><p></p><p>I scream when I need to, cry when it hits me and vent when I have to and I know those are healthy for me so I do them and I'm genuinely enjoying my life again but there will always be that part of me that is missing.</p><p></p><p>Tough love is the way - it will ultimately require that our kids take responsibility for their choices, good or bad and if they choose not to- that's on them. I have accepted that I can't change anything for her or fix anything for her or make her clean and sober - I'm down to learning how to deal with my own emotions and find some level ground to stand on. </p><p></p><p>You were so right when you said it's okay to feel all the emotions - just don't act on them. I learned (again) yesterday that she is in her own world, on her own path and it's not a good one so I'm never going to get the responses I hope for, I'm going to get what she has to give and in her state, it's usually hurtful and depressing or abusive even. I get mad at myself now just thinking about it!</p><p></p><p>She called today, by the way, ask me for her attorney's phone number. She said she wanted to ask him what to do now that she has a warrant and won't be able to go to court today. I recited the number because I know it by heart (that's bad I know) but after that, she thanked me, said she loves me and hung up without waiting for a response. I'm not surprised, shocked or disappointed and that's good - I'm glad that I actually feel...nothing after that phone call. I didn't give it a second thought and just moved on with my day. How long does it take the develop a habit? LOL</p><p></p><p>We should all group up and start our own talk-show - help some of these parents you see on Dr. Phil or whatever that are completely immersed in co-dependent relationships and don't see that they are enabling their kids in their poor choices and lifestyles. We would be great! LOL</p><p></p><p>Have a great afternoon everyone!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="WearyMom18, post: 654353, member: 18856"] Such great words COM - it's hard sometimes, especially when I'm missing her and it's been a long week, to NOT think of her as my sweet little girl and then start feeling sad for what must be a terrible existence. I know she has chosen it but I'm not sure that she understood what the consequences would be until they happened. Of course, I told her what would happen but she's always been on of those kiddos that had to learn on her own - usually the hard way. In many of our situations, we didn't get what I think of as the 'normal' separation where your son/daughter graduates from high school and then maybe goes off to college or moves into their first apartment. You have time to prepare and plan and go through that transition with them. With our Difficult Child's, the transition to an empty nest and having to detach from our children isn't a result of the normal progression of life, it's the result of their behavior and actions and choices and all for the wrong reasons. It's almost worst case scenario for most of us - I can't say my kid turned out okay because she's not okay. I know it's not my fault that she made the choices that she did but the fact remains that she's not okay and she might never be okay. I am moving on with my life, making vacation plans, working, enjoying family and friends and I'm doing it all without my child in my life and that goes against every grain in a mother's body. I scream when I need to, cry when it hits me and vent when I have to and I know those are healthy for me so I do them and I'm genuinely enjoying my life again but there will always be that part of me that is missing. Tough love is the way - it will ultimately require that our kids take responsibility for their choices, good or bad and if they choose not to- that's on them. I have accepted that I can't change anything for her or fix anything for her or make her clean and sober - I'm down to learning how to deal with my own emotions and find some level ground to stand on. You were so right when you said it's okay to feel all the emotions - just don't act on them. I learned (again) yesterday that she is in her own world, on her own path and it's not a good one so I'm never going to get the responses I hope for, I'm going to get what she has to give and in her state, it's usually hurtful and depressing or abusive even. I get mad at myself now just thinking about it! She called today, by the way, ask me for her attorney's phone number. She said she wanted to ask him what to do now that she has a warrant and won't be able to go to court today. I recited the number because I know it by heart (that's bad I know) but after that, she thanked me, said she loves me and hung up without waiting for a response. I'm not surprised, shocked or disappointed and that's good - I'm glad that I actually feel...nothing after that phone call. I didn't give it a second thought and just moved on with my day. How long does it take the develop a habit? LOL We should all group up and start our own talk-show - help some of these parents you see on Dr. Phil or whatever that are completely immersed in co-dependent relationships and don't see that they are enabling their kids in their poor choices and lifestyles. We would be great! LOL Have a great afternoon everyone! [/QUOTE]
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