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Parent Emeritus
Doubt and Guilt...Need a reality check
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 654427" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I think part of what is so hard for me in the grieving process is that there's no finality as there is with a death. My Difficult Child is likely to linger and come in and out of my life on her ups and downs along the way.</p><p></p><p>So many brilliant parents have said it so eloquently and I am beginning to get it a little bit: detachment is not a death. It can be a beginning. In my work, I have learned that facing consequences, even if they are horrible, is not an end. This is not to say that your daughter will necessarily face an outcome that is dire, but if she indeed faces incarceration she may get another chance.</p><p></p><p>More times than not, relationships with families become paramount, when someone is incarcerated. I am not talking about getting practical needs me, but that too. I am talking about LOVE here. There are so many stories I remember. Like, one 50 year old, who had finally grown up after years of crime, gangs and meth. His mother was to soon die of cancer, but she died a happy mom. Why? In those last couple of years, "all had been said" between them so that he was not crippled by regret and guilt as have I since the death of my Mother. This mother saw her son grow up. It may not have been what she had hoped for, but it was enough. And I think she believed he would be, finally, safe.</p><p></p><p>Now, I know that I face an outcome with my son that may not be a victory lap. And the thought of what could befall us fills me with dread. But I am more and more catching myself catastrophizing. After all, who really knows what will happen...those parents who are taking victory laps or the rest of us. Do we know what will come? I try to remember...we all die in the end...everything is lost sooner or later...except wisdom dearly gained which is shared...</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 654427, member: 18958"] I think part of what is so hard for me in the grieving process is that there's no finality as there is with a death. My Difficult Child is likely to linger and come in and out of my life on her ups and downs along the way. So many brilliant parents have said it so eloquently and I am beginning to get it a little bit: detachment is not a death. It can be a beginning. In my work, I have learned that facing consequences, even if they are horrible, is not an end. This is not to say that your daughter will necessarily face an outcome that is dire, but if she indeed faces incarceration she may get another chance. More times than not, relationships with families become paramount, when someone is incarcerated. I am not talking about getting practical needs me, but that too. I am talking about LOVE here. There are so many stories I remember. Like, one 50 year old, who had finally grown up after years of crime, gangs and meth. His mother was to soon die of cancer, but she died a happy mom. Why? In those last couple of years, "all had been said" between them so that he was not crippled by regret and guilt as have I since the death of my Mother. This mother saw her son grow up. It may not have been what she had hoped for, but it was enough. And I think she believed he would be, finally, safe. Now, I know that I face an outcome with my son that may not be a victory lap. And the thought of what could befall us fills me with dread. But I am more and more catching myself catastrophizing. After all, who really knows what will happen...those parents who are taking victory laps or the rest of us. Do we know what will come? I try to remember...we all die in the end...everything is lost sooner or later...except wisdom dearly gained which is shared... [/QUOTE]
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Doubt and Guilt...Need a reality check
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