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Doubts and questions about my course.
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<blockquote data-quote="Lil" data-source="post: 712427" data-attributes="member: 17309"><p>Copa, I'm sorry I'm coming late to the posts. Got busy yesterday and didn't see your message.</p><p></p><p>I don't really know what to say that others have not...but I will say this...in your first post you pointed out 3 choices.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Frankly, this one sounds pretty good to me. Really, he doesn't have a sense of entitlement...he has entitlement. He's paying rent, nominal or not. If he paid anyone else rent, do you think they would have the right to put demands on him other than how he treats the property he's renting? If he's tearing the place up or letting trash gather or terrorizing the neighbors...then YOU have many more rights. But you seem to be wanting to tell him how to <em>live</em>.</p><p></p><p>Copa, you seem to be holding on SO HARD to him. You want him to be grown up and self-reliant, but by the same time, you question all of his choices; and they are HIS choices. For instance:</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Are there some wilderness programs that are somewhat dangerous? Of course. But...if SSI will pay for it the government has SOME knowledge of it; in some way it's been vetted. More importantly, HE found this program. A program that wouldn't cost you a penny. A program that might give him some adventure and build some skills. A program that might be very good for him...and you're first reaction was that it would be too dangerous.</p><p></p><p>He's a grown man. He's not 10. He has issues, no doubt, but you might have said, "Really? What's it called, I'd love to look at it with you." Then, IF you saw a down side, you could voice your concerns.</p><p></p><p>I'm not judging. God knows that my first reaction when my phone rings is, "What's going wrong now?" I was the one buying warm winter gear my kid could get on his own from charity, remember. I did all this research and have lists of homeless services I could email him if needed. I KNOW what that initial "he can't do it - it's too hard/dangerous" feeling is like.</p><p></p><p>It just seems that sometimes your reaction to him is a knee-jerk. Maybe what YOU and he both need, is for you to back off a bit. Expectations - yes. You should have reasonable expectations. But maybe you need to scale them back a bit...let him take baby steps...that's all I mean. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I admit...I have had this thought when reading some of your posts. Your son is on SSI for a reason. I know a little about SSI...and I know that people don't get it (generally, there are always those who manage to use the system) without good reason. His ability to work a real job, long term at least, IS limited. Maybe his lack of interest in work is part of his issues? Maybe his inability to stay on task without direction is? Maybe his best choice for work will be stocking shelves, or a go-fur for a contractor like M, or mowing lawns on weekends?</p><p></p><p>I know that for me, having my son so far away and in uncertain living situations (at best) is difficult. But, not as difficult as having him live with me. I find it much easier now to treat him as an adult. When he was home I couldn't stop myself from constant "reminding" (nagging) - everything from brushing his teeth to going to bed to getting to work...Like he was a child. In your case, maybe you should try treating him like a renter when he's not physically in your presence and like a grown child visiting when he is? Is that possible?</p><p></p><p>If he spends his $ on pot and can't buy food...there are food banks. Maybe if he gets hungry, he'll find work for more $ if there is none for food? With him in your rental property, you don't have the illusion of him being safe...he mostly is. He has a roof over his head. He's warm in the winter and cool in the summer. He has the ability to cook and bathe and care for himself. The rest IS UP TO HIM. Try letting go a little bit more. That's my 2cents worth.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Lil, post: 712427, member: 17309"] Copa, I'm sorry I'm coming late to the posts. Got busy yesterday and didn't see your message. I don't really know what to say that others have not...but I will say this...in your first post you pointed out 3 choices. Frankly, this one sounds pretty good to me. Really, he doesn't have a sense of entitlement...he has entitlement. He's paying rent, nominal or not. If he paid anyone else rent, do you think they would have the right to put demands on him other than how he treats the property he's renting? If he's tearing the place up or letting trash gather or terrorizing the neighbors...then YOU have many more rights. But you seem to be wanting to tell him how to [I]live[/I]. Copa, you seem to be holding on SO HARD to him. You want him to be grown up and self-reliant, but by the same time, you question all of his choices; and they are HIS choices. For instance: Are there some wilderness programs that are somewhat dangerous? Of course. But...if SSI will pay for it the government has SOME knowledge of it; in some way it's been vetted. More importantly, HE found this program. A program that wouldn't cost you a penny. A program that might give him some adventure and build some skills. A program that might be very good for him...and you're first reaction was that it would be too dangerous. He's a grown man. He's not 10. He has issues, no doubt, but you might have said, "Really? What's it called, I'd love to look at it with you." Then, IF you saw a down side, you could voice your concerns. I'm not judging. God knows that my first reaction when my phone rings is, "What's going wrong now?" I was the one buying warm winter gear my kid could get on his own from charity, remember. I did all this research and have lists of homeless services I could email him if needed. I KNOW what that initial "he can't do it - it's too hard/dangerous" feeling is like. It just seems that sometimes your reaction to him is a knee-jerk. Maybe what YOU and he both need, is for you to back off a bit. Expectations - yes. You should have reasonable expectations. But maybe you need to scale them back a bit...let him take baby steps...that's all I mean. I admit...I have had this thought when reading some of your posts. Your son is on SSI for a reason. I know a little about SSI...and I know that people don't get it (generally, there are always those who manage to use the system) without good reason. His ability to work a real job, long term at least, IS limited. Maybe his lack of interest in work is part of his issues? Maybe his inability to stay on task without direction is? Maybe his best choice for work will be stocking shelves, or a go-fur for a contractor like M, or mowing lawns on weekends? I know that for me, having my son so far away and in uncertain living situations (at best) is difficult. But, not as difficult as having him live with me. I find it much easier now to treat him as an adult. When he was home I couldn't stop myself from constant "reminding" (nagging) - everything from brushing his teeth to going to bed to getting to work...Like he was a child. In your case, maybe you should try treating him like a renter when he's not physically in your presence and like a grown child visiting when he is? Is that possible? If he spends his $ on pot and can't buy food...there are food banks. Maybe if he gets hungry, he'll find work for more $ if there is none for food? With him in your rental property, you don't have the illusion of him being safe...he mostly is. He has a roof over his head. He's warm in the winter and cool in the summer. He has the ability to cook and bathe and care for himself. The rest IS UP TO HIM. Try letting go a little bit more. That's my 2cents worth. [/QUOTE]
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