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Parent Emeritus
Doubts and questions about my course.
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 712443" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>My computer has a virus and I am here at the mailbox store, just to tell you I will be unable to post until Tuesday maybe. I will be reading along. I am grateful to each of you and your collective wisdom is priceless. Just what I was seeking. </p><p></p><p>I do not dispute that I have resisted seeing fully my son's point of view and how he feels stuck. That is a true thing. I have fought hard to not see and feel his distress and pain. I found it and find it unbearable. I do not see this as the worst thing though. I think it is the tone I take: I am critical and hysterical about what needs to change, to happen. I threaten withdrawing support and resources. I am this way because that is how I feel towards myself. I am self-critical to the extreme and my relationship with myself is harsh, accusatory and pessimistic. All of this is undermining and destabilizing to say the least. For me and for my son. My help to my son I present to him as conditional to a large extent on his living by what I feel makes sense. I cop to all of that. </p><p></p><p>However, I try hard to not impose my aspirations onto my son. Nor do I feel that I have been served by the values, in terms of professional achievement, at least, which have guided my life. I believe on the contrary I was driven and self-sacrificing. I would however be pleased if he was a productive and contributing member of society. Why? Because I think that is good for us.</p><p></p><p>What I want for my son is that he be safe and happy now and that I am able to grow old and die with the sense that he will be OK. The idea that he will be alone and vulnerable makes me frantic and desperate. I (and himself) are all he has ( M is not a done deal). This is why I want him to seek support and treatment. I want him involved with people and productive and out and about. All of these things he can do and he has done. I understand I need to lay off. I can want these things for him but to demand this has been hurtful and non-supportive and singularly ineffective.</p><p></p><p>I understand that the work he can do is limited by his abilities, aptitudes and interests, as is my own and everybody else's. But I believe in trying and trying and trying. Of course I get that what I believe in means not one thing in the world to any body else but me. But I am being honest here. How does it help me to conceal?</p><p></p><p>Of course I get that everybody has limits and some are more restrictive than others. Vocational Counseling was my job for many years. But many of us are human and find it difficult to find the same sense of compassion, understanding and patience with those children we love, or for ourselves, as we feel towards humanity in general. Precisely because we love them so much and because we are flawed, our love can not always serve what is best.That does not mean that we do not know. It does not mean we are bad people. Just human ones. It is not helpful to be beaten with the same stick over and over again for the same thing when one opens up to try to be better. That is true as much for me, as for my son. </p><p></p><p>That said, my son was on SSI as an infant so it was a matter of re-applying rather that an initial application. He re-applied in the County where he was a foster child and went to high school so that there was on hand already his complete history. I am not arguing that my son would not have received SSI if he had to make an initial application. But I think the criteria for him were different.</p><p></p><p>I think that CD is here for parents not so much to receive counsel and advice but to understand who they are, their own conflicts, and by seeing them, change themselves in their lives. Thank you for your support to do this.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 712443, member: 18958"] My computer has a virus and I am here at the mailbox store, just to tell you I will be unable to post until Tuesday maybe. I will be reading along. I am grateful to each of you and your collective wisdom is priceless. Just what I was seeking. I do not dispute that I have resisted seeing fully my son's point of view and how he feels stuck. That is a true thing. I have fought hard to not see and feel his distress and pain. I found it and find it unbearable. I do not see this as the worst thing though. I think it is the tone I take: I am critical and hysterical about what needs to change, to happen. I threaten withdrawing support and resources. I am this way because that is how I feel towards myself. I am self-critical to the extreme and my relationship with myself is harsh, accusatory and pessimistic. All of this is undermining and destabilizing to say the least. For me and for my son. My help to my son I present to him as conditional to a large extent on his living by what I feel makes sense. I cop to all of that. However, I try hard to not impose my aspirations onto my son. Nor do I feel that I have been served by the values, in terms of professional achievement, at least, which have guided my life. I believe on the contrary I was driven and self-sacrificing. I would however be pleased if he was a productive and contributing member of society. Why? Because I think that is good for us. What I want for my son is that he be safe and happy now and that I am able to grow old and die with the sense that he will be OK. The idea that he will be alone and vulnerable makes me frantic and desperate. I (and himself) are all he has ( M is not a done deal). This is why I want him to seek support and treatment. I want him involved with people and productive and out and about. All of these things he can do and he has done. I understand I need to lay off. I can want these things for him but to demand this has been hurtful and non-supportive and singularly ineffective. I understand that the work he can do is limited by his abilities, aptitudes and interests, as is my own and everybody else's. But I believe in trying and trying and trying. Of course I get that what I believe in means not one thing in the world to any body else but me. But I am being honest here. How does it help me to conceal? Of course I get that everybody has limits and some are more restrictive than others. Vocational Counseling was my job for many years. But many of us are human and find it difficult to find the same sense of compassion, understanding and patience with those children we love, or for ourselves, as we feel towards humanity in general. Precisely because we love them so much and because we are flawed, our love can not always serve what is best.That does not mean that we do not know. It does not mean we are bad people. Just human ones. It is not helpful to be beaten with the same stick over and over again for the same thing when one opens up to try to be better. That is true as much for me, as for my son. That said, my son was on SSI as an infant so it was a matter of re-applying rather that an initial application. He re-applied in the County where he was a foster child and went to high school so that there was on hand already his complete history. I am not arguing that my son would not have received SSI if he had to make an initial application. But I think the criteria for him were different. I think that CD is here for parents not so much to receive counsel and advice but to understand who they are, their own conflicts, and by seeing them, change themselves in their lives. Thank you for your support to do this. [/QUOTE]
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