This is me all over. My son's version of happy is not anything I would be happy with...ergo he must not be happy, right? That's the crux of my logic.
Copa, I think that you are too, too, TOO hard on yourself. You adopted a very challenged child. You have done wonderful things with him, but he is a grown man and it is not your job to "fix" him anymore. It is not even your job to decide whether or not he needs "fixing."
I get the feeling sometimes that you think you aren't a good mother unless your son exhibits behaviors that you expect from him. Enthusiasm and goal-setting and being around lots of people and being out and about just may not be how your son approaches his life...but that's OK. He's an adult.
I agree with Lil about the wilderness program. He branched out, showed some interest and initiative..then got slapped down. I don't mean to be harsh, but that seems contradictory and kind of controlling.
There is no path that leads to your son not being vulnerable and alone one day. There's no path for ANYONE to be guaranteed such a place, Copa. Of course you feel crippled by anxiety and fear. You are frantically searching, and have been searching for some time now, for a Xanadu that doesn't exist.
Given that there is no perfect outcome, you need to pick the least imperfect scenario. Judging from your posts, you seem most at peace when you know your son is safe. I think paying you nominal rent as long as he is a decent neighbor is an OK middle ground, as long as you can let go of his choices and/or their outcome. If you can't do that, any path you choose will not be a good one.
I think you should let your son, but most of all YOURSELF off the hook a bit. Can you congratulate yourself for a job splendidly done, and step out of your role as one who parents? Can you try to sit with the idea that you won't always be happy with his choices?
