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Parent Emeritus
Doubts and questions about my course.
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<blockquote data-quote="Go slow mama" data-source="post: 712456"><p>Hi Copa,</p><p></p><p>I read all of this and have taken a little time to reflect on what is said and the questions that are asked, the responses and the overall context of being here as a mother on CD. As you know, I have difficulty with posting in the general forums, I realize in part because it makes me feel vulnerable. And I also think the plethora of opinions can sometimes be overwhelming, here the forum can be fodder for the self doubt machine. Anyway, thank you for your post and for sharing so honestly, it takes guts.</p><p></p><p>Of late I am personally trying to live in a space guided by empathy and compassion. When all of this started with my son I was stunned, then I was indignant and angry, frantic...there have been stages that I can look back and see clearly. I've struggled so much and made so many mistakes as a mother in this difficult time. I have major regrets and pure shame that viscerally hurts sometimes. I feel fortunate and grateful that my son and I have sustained a relationship. As you know, he has no relationship with his father and my son continues to blow off his father entirely. </p><p></p><p>The counselling I'm doing helps and now we are going together; this is a small miracle. This is the safe space where I have found empathy and compassion, for myself, for my son and also for those walking this path with us. When you wrote about resisting feeling J's pain it was so lucid and hit me most poignantly. As you say that you want to know he will be okay some day when you are gone, it resonates with me. Mother loss is a beast and the mother child relationship is the most primal and complicated. You have always loved J and you have always done your best with what you had. Your relationship with J is intact and there is always room to grow and move forward. </p><p></p><p>I believe you do better when J is near to you, and so does he, I agree with M on this. Your family is very important to you and you have spent a lot of time and energy here, you are a very loving and invested mother. This might mean that at times it is consuming and crippling, but it also means that you are in it to win it. Some people just can't do that, they walk away or shut down. When I can access the place of empathy and compassion it feels the best, it is the most calming place to respond from. I am not a person who possesses equanimity in spades, I have to work to achieve it. </p><p></p><p>I hope you are able to find whatever peace is afforded you in this time. Fear is not fact but it is nonetheless destructive.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Go slow mama, post: 712456"] Hi Copa, I read all of this and have taken a little time to reflect on what is said and the questions that are asked, the responses and the overall context of being here as a mother on CD. As you know, I have difficulty with posting in the general forums, I realize in part because it makes me feel vulnerable. And I also think the plethora of opinions can sometimes be overwhelming, here the forum can be fodder for the self doubt machine. Anyway, thank you for your post and for sharing so honestly, it takes guts. Of late I am personally trying to live in a space guided by empathy and compassion. When all of this started with my son I was stunned, then I was indignant and angry, frantic...there have been stages that I can look back and see clearly. I've struggled so much and made so many mistakes as a mother in this difficult time. I have major regrets and pure shame that viscerally hurts sometimes. I feel fortunate and grateful that my son and I have sustained a relationship. As you know, he has no relationship with his father and my son continues to blow off his father entirely. The counselling I'm doing helps and now we are going together; this is a small miracle. This is the safe space where I have found empathy and compassion, for myself, for my son and also for those walking this path with us. When you wrote about resisting feeling J's pain it was so lucid and hit me most poignantly. As you say that you want to know he will be okay some day when you are gone, it resonates with me. Mother loss is a beast and the mother child relationship is the most primal and complicated. You have always loved J and you have always done your best with what you had. Your relationship with J is intact and there is always room to grow and move forward. I believe you do better when J is near to you, and so does he, I agree with M on this. Your family is very important to you and you have spent a lot of time and energy here, you are a very loving and invested mother. This might mean that at times it is consuming and crippling, but it also means that you are in it to win it. Some people just can't do that, they walk away or shut down. When I can access the place of empathy and compassion it feels the best, it is the most calming place to respond from. I am not a person who possesses equanimity in spades, I have to work to achieve it. I hope you are able to find whatever peace is afforded you in this time. Fear is not fact but it is nonetheless destructive. [/QUOTE]
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