Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Down the rabbit hole we go
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 750919" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Hi and welcome.</p><p></p><p>There is a mother who posts here called Elizalibrary. She has an adult daughter who is an alcoholic, who also has a daughter. And I think there is now another child too but I forget. Eliza's daughter has become self-sufficient, and Eliza has over the years put in place very strong, appropriate boundaries, which pulled for her daughter to become responsible as a person and a parent. Hopefully she will see your thread, but you could do a search for her posts which I think you will find helpful.</p><p></p><p>It seems like you are undermined by your parents. And that your daughter may triangulate between you and your parents. Personally, I feel offended for you that your mother is directing you what to do, i.e. loan your daughter your car. Where does she get a vote?</p><p></p><p>First, that's your decision to do or not, and two, are there not risk factors for you? Even with her license back, has she established herself as trustworthy? What does her situation have to do with you making this kind of sacrifice?</p><p></p><p>I will just comment on what I feel. I want to support you and there's no way to do that without telling you what I think. I hope I don't overstep.</p><p></p><p>There are so many issues here. One. You have no reason for guilt. Two, there is your welfare too. Your privacy in your own house. Your stress levels. Your comfort and serenity. Three. You are an adult woman, a grandmother. Why is your mother directing you to do this or that?</p><p></p><p>Finally, where will the learning come for your daughter, if things are solved for her? There have been other parents here whose parents (now elderly) have stepped in to assume parental roles of adult or teenage grandchildren, enabling them and disempowering their parents (who are their children). In only one instance can I recall that this actually helped. In every other situation the grandparents ended up abused in one way or another, and the situations exploded. But mainly the parents (like you) are infantilized, undermined by their parents who think they know better and can do it better. Who ends up hurt? Everybody.</p><p></p><p>How can you get your Mom out of this situation? I think that is number one. This is hard enough as it is. Without making it a trio.</p><p></p><p>Your daughter can get on welfare. She can get Section 8 housing (presuming you are in the USA). Many single mothers get by on their own jobs. I have known single moms who go to college, work and raise their children alone. There is Alcoholics Anonymous.</p><p></p><p>People do what they have to do. If we do it for them, there is no incentive to do so. They wait for us to do it. And keep getting into more messes.</p><p></p><p>I am glad you are here. Posting helps. On other people's threads too. That is how we learn how much we know and how strong we are. Pretty soon we will know you better and our posts to you will be more knowledgeable and helpful. Meanwhile. I am glad you are here. There is no judgement here. Only understanding. It may feel like we are being harsh, but it's because we care that we take a stand for you.</p><p></p><p>PS Nothing about this is your fault.</p><p></p><p>If she wants to go to college, why not online classes for now? That's what I do. For the most part I take online classes in community colleges in my state. But I also took a distance class in a state university in another state, this past semester, which cost more money but not that much more.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 750919, member: 18958"] Hi and welcome. There is a mother who posts here called Elizalibrary. She has an adult daughter who is an alcoholic, who also has a daughter. And I think there is now another child too but I forget. Eliza's daughter has become self-sufficient, and Eliza has over the years put in place very strong, appropriate boundaries, which pulled for her daughter to become responsible as a person and a parent. Hopefully she will see your thread, but you could do a search for her posts which I think you will find helpful. It seems like you are undermined by your parents. And that your daughter may triangulate between you and your parents. Personally, I feel offended for you that your mother is directing you what to do, i.e. loan your daughter your car. Where does she get a vote? First, that's your decision to do or not, and two, are there not risk factors for you? Even with her license back, has she established herself as trustworthy? What does her situation have to do with you making this kind of sacrifice? I will just comment on what I feel. I want to support you and there's no way to do that without telling you what I think. I hope I don't overstep. There are so many issues here. One. You have no reason for guilt. Two, there is your welfare too. Your privacy in your own house. Your stress levels. Your comfort and serenity. Three. You are an adult woman, a grandmother. Why is your mother directing you to do this or that? Finally, where will the learning come for your daughter, if things are solved for her? There have been other parents here whose parents (now elderly) have stepped in to assume parental roles of adult or teenage grandchildren, enabling them and disempowering their parents (who are their children). In only one instance can I recall that this actually helped. In every other situation the grandparents ended up abused in one way or another, and the situations exploded. But mainly the parents (like you) are infantilized, undermined by their parents who think they know better and can do it better. Who ends up hurt? Everybody. How can you get your Mom out of this situation? I think that is number one. This is hard enough as it is. Without making it a trio. Your daughter can get on welfare. She can get Section 8 housing (presuming you are in the USA). Many single mothers get by on their own jobs. I have known single moms who go to college, work and raise their children alone. There is Alcoholics Anonymous. People do what they have to do. If we do it for them, there is no incentive to do so. They wait for us to do it. And keep getting into more messes. I am glad you are here. Posting helps. On other people's threads too. That is how we learn how much we know and how strong we are. Pretty soon we will know you better and our posts to you will be more knowledgeable and helpful. Meanwhile. I am glad you are here. There is no judgement here. Only understanding. It may feel like we are being harsh, but it's because we care that we take a stand for you. PS Nothing about this is your fault. If she wants to go to college, why not online classes for now? That's what I do. For the most part I take online classes in community colleges in my state. But I also took a distance class in a state university in another state, this past semester, which cost more money but not that much more. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Down the rabbit hole we go
Top