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Family of Origin
Elder Care & childrens care...guilt...choices...obligations..love..
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 646797" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>One small step at a time. Perhaps you could begin with exploring caregiver stress on YouTube or TED. There are so many people helping others to the point that they are exhausting themselves. Just like it is with our difficult children, no one really knows how to do caring for our elderly. It is a really hard thing to know when enough is too much. </p><p></p><p>Maybe it could help if you said: "I love you. I am leaving, now."</p><p></p><p>If I keep something simple, then I can remember to say that and nothing more and that is an important thing to know.</p><p></p><p>Small steps, small changes, things you can handle.</p><p></p><p>Just a little more time for yourself. For right now, that is all you are looking to accomplish. Try not to look further ahead than that.</p><p></p><p>Just a little time for cherishing yourself, for tasting the taste of your life.</p><p></p><p>If the other family members do not step in to fill the gap <em>that is on them</em>.</p><p></p><p>These changes can happen. However tiny those first steps toward freedom are, take them.</p><p></p><p>Do you have a day when you don't go there? Or are you there every day.</p><p></p><p>Take this Sunday off.</p><p></p><p>Smile, tell your grandpa how much you love him, and tell him you will not be coming on Sunday. His response matters less than your courage in having made this beginning. Plan now how you will nurture yourself through the hurt of his response. No one likes someone they are depending on to take time away. Your grandpa is making choices. Those choices have consequences, but that doesn't mean you are the one who should pay them.</p><p></p><p>Your family can, and should, step up to the plate.</p><p></p><p>husband' family was spinning off in their own directions too, where care of the mom was concerned. One of the sisters was burdened with most of the care. Everyone else would visit, get praise for that, and be gone within an hour or two while the sister was left being yelled at and put down and never having any time away.</p><p></p><p>So, we started emailing the mother's needs, status, falls, and behaviors to every brother and sister in a common thread. Suddenly, no one could say they did not know. Those who were trying to avoid responsibility had to admit it publicly.</p><p></p><p>It worked beautifully.</p><p></p><p>There were hard feelings about it, but nothing more than "This is what happened, today and I need help." needed to be said.</p><p></p><p>The sister who was designated caretaker just needed someone to stand with her. With just that little bit of support, she was able to change her status from someone the others did not want to see too well because she represented their own irresponsibility to a valued member of a family where the sibs were equally involved with the mother and her needs. It actually did turn out that the sibs who tried to hang on to the old way of doing things, where the sister took the brunt of it and got no credit or even, thanks ~ began looking exactly like the jerks they were being on the email threads all the other sibs were reading. </p><p></p><p>Perhaps something like that could work in your family?</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 646797, member: 17461"] One small step at a time. Perhaps you could begin with exploring caregiver stress on YouTube or TED. There are so many people helping others to the point that they are exhausting themselves. Just like it is with our difficult children, no one really knows how to do caring for our elderly. It is a really hard thing to know when enough is too much. Maybe it could help if you said: "I love you. I am leaving, now." If I keep something simple, then I can remember to say that and nothing more and that is an important thing to know. Small steps, small changes, things you can handle. Just a little more time for yourself. For right now, that is all you are looking to accomplish. Try not to look further ahead than that. Just a little time for cherishing yourself, for tasting the taste of your life. If the other family members do not step in to fill the gap [I]that is on them[/I]. These changes can happen. However tiny those first steps toward freedom are, take them. Do you have a day when you don't go there? Or are you there every day. Take this Sunday off. Smile, tell your grandpa how much you love him, and tell him you will not be coming on Sunday. His response matters less than your courage in having made this beginning. Plan now how you will nurture yourself through the hurt of his response. No one likes someone they are depending on to take time away. Your grandpa is making choices. Those choices have consequences, but that doesn't mean you are the one who should pay them. Your family can, and should, step up to the plate. husband' family was spinning off in their own directions too, where care of the mom was concerned. One of the sisters was burdened with most of the care. Everyone else would visit, get praise for that, and be gone within an hour or two while the sister was left being yelled at and put down and never having any time away. So, we started emailing the mother's needs, status, falls, and behaviors to every brother and sister in a common thread. Suddenly, no one could say they did not know. Those who were trying to avoid responsibility had to admit it publicly. It worked beautifully. There were hard feelings about it, but nothing more than "This is what happened, today and I need help." needed to be said. The sister who was designated caretaker just needed someone to stand with her. With just that little bit of support, she was able to change her status from someone the others did not want to see too well because she represented their own irresponsibility to a valued member of a family where the sibs were equally involved with the mother and her needs. It actually did turn out that the sibs who tried to hang on to the old way of doing things, where the sister took the brunt of it and got no credit or even, thanks ~ began looking exactly like the jerks they were being on the email threads all the other sibs were reading. Perhaps something like that could work in your family? Cedar [/QUOTE]
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