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Family of Origin
Elder Care & childrens care...guilt...choices...obligations..love..
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 646964" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Oh, Cedar, you say it so well.</p><p></p><p>I never had to say no. By the time my parents were older, well, my mom wasn't talking to me and, to be honest, my family is very independent. My 90 year old dad asks for nothing from us.</p><p></p><p>But I used to do things for people who turned it against me later in life, Confused. Look, I care about you. I care about your hurting heart. I'm old enough to be your mother and I wish I COULD be there for you to shield you from this abuse. I would do it if you'd let me.</p><p></p><p>I remember when my sister may have had encephalitis and she was still in college. I was young too. I called my mother to ask her to take her to the doctor or to be with her at the hospital...the little details fail me. All I know is that I told her off after the fact. I think it was that my mother, who had money, would not pay for it or threatened not to and maybe she never did. So I did. We did not have money. During the time I was tellling my mother how her total disregard of her daughter was hurting her, I told her some things I was not supposed to tell her, like that my sister had an eating disorder and that she had done some drugs. Honestly, my heart did not mean to do anything other than try to get my mother to pay my sister's medical bills from now on. I don't know if she did or not. Guess what? My mother and sister turned this incident on me.</p><p></p><p>Ten years later my sister hung up on me after blubbering she'd never talk to me again because I told my mother "secrets." Ten years later I had no idea what she was even talking about. Well, seems that after Mom and Sis got cozy, my mother didn't like my close relationship with my sister (my opinion for her motive) and wanted to cut it off. So she twisted what had happened and told Sis that I told her all the bad things she did when she was in college so that I would think poorly of Sis. And Sis believed it and did not speak to me for three years or even let me explain. In fact, when I drove to her house, because she kept hanging on, she called the cops and I was told by the cops that my sister was "afraid of you."</p><p></p><p>Ok, this was not the only time I tried to help my sister AND my brother. In the end, they turned on me. It had to be that way. I was t he black sheep.</p><p></p><p>Confused, YOU are the black sheep. No matter what you do it will never be enough, be good enough, or end (unless you stop it). When Gpa is gone, and somehow it will be your fault he died even if he's 99, you will inherit the house WITH aunt or something close to that and still be in charge of caring for now maybe older aunt, Dad, Mother, Sister and both of your kids who see your being thrown around like trash and, because of your good heart and fear of letting down those whom you desperately want to love you, you will not ever say "I can't."</p><p></p><p>Confused, you are not young. Your aunt is wrong. You are old. You have never been allowed to be young. You have always been an unpaid caregiver for your ungrateful relatives who aren't even nice to you. Do you want your kids to think that this is how normal people behave? That this is how YOU believe you should be treated? You don't deserve this.</p><p></p><p>I am 61 and many of my friends have very elder parents in homes. They visit. They take them out. They give th eir love. They are very attentive. They do NOT have them in their homes, pretending they know how to take care of the sick, the frail, those who may be getting dementia. If somebody's parent falls and breaks a hip in a home, they do rush to their side. This is NORMAL attachment, NORMAL loving. What you are doing is accepting the role of a slave, an abused slave. Nobody should have to take care of so many people all the time plus raise two special needs children. And the children also deserve better.</p><p></p><p>Confused, they tell you what to do like you are a little kid. Gpa buys a toy for your son and dictates how he can play on it. You allow him to. They treat you like a little girl. Yet they expect you to snap to do their bidding and take on a role that ten adults could never do. Did THEY do this for so many relatives when they were your age?</p><p></p><p>Another thing I wonder. ARe they misusing your religious beliefs by telling you you'll go to hell or something if you don't take care of them? If so, you need to speak to a pastor. He will set you straight...that is false. Something you posted made me think maybe they were throwing that in for good measure. No religion on earth dictates what you are doing.</p><p></p><p>I truly hope to read one day that you have decided to make other plans for your relatives and just be there at appropriate times. Then I hope you move away with the kids and tend to their needs since so little time exists when you can. I hope you finally live your own life and not their lives. I think you live a very sad story, but I also know you can give it a happy ending.</p><p></p><p>My own feeling, from what you've written, is that a long as you are in their orbit you will never be free. I'm not sure a slow detachment would ever work. For you, in order to have a life, you may have to get out of Dodge. Only you know.</p><p></p><p>I hope you do. I hope so very much.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 646964, member: 1550"] Oh, Cedar, you say it so well. I never had to say no. By the time my parents were older, well, my mom wasn't talking to me and, to be honest, my family is very independent. My 90 year old dad asks for nothing from us. But I used to do things for people who turned it against me later in life, Confused. Look, I care about you. I care about your hurting heart. I'm old enough to be your mother and I wish I COULD be there for you to shield you from this abuse. I would do it if you'd let me. I remember when my sister may have had encephalitis and she was still in college. I was young too. I called my mother to ask her to take her to the doctor or to be with her at the hospital...the little details fail me. All I know is that I told her off after the fact. I think it was that my mother, who had money, would not pay for it or threatened not to and maybe she never did. So I did. We did not have money. During the time I was tellling my mother how her total disregard of her daughter was hurting her, I told her some things I was not supposed to tell her, like that my sister had an eating disorder and that she had done some drugs. Honestly, my heart did not mean to do anything other than try to get my mother to pay my sister's medical bills from now on. I don't know if she did or not. Guess what? My mother and sister turned this incident on me. Ten years later my sister hung up on me after blubbering she'd never talk to me again because I told my mother "secrets." Ten years later I had no idea what she was even talking about. Well, seems that after Mom and Sis got cozy, my mother didn't like my close relationship with my sister (my opinion for her motive) and wanted to cut it off. So she twisted what had happened and told Sis that I told her all the bad things she did when she was in college so that I would think poorly of Sis. And Sis believed it and did not speak to me for three years or even let me explain. In fact, when I drove to her house, because she kept hanging on, she called the cops and I was told by the cops that my sister was "afraid of you." Ok, this was not the only time I tried to help my sister AND my brother. In the end, they turned on me. It had to be that way. I was t he black sheep. Confused, YOU are the black sheep. No matter what you do it will never be enough, be good enough, or end (unless you stop it). When Gpa is gone, and somehow it will be your fault he died even if he's 99, you will inherit the house WITH aunt or something close to that and still be in charge of caring for now maybe older aunt, Dad, Mother, Sister and both of your kids who see your being thrown around like trash and, because of your good heart and fear of letting down those whom you desperately want to love you, you will not ever say "I can't." Confused, you are not young. Your aunt is wrong. You are old. You have never been allowed to be young. You have always been an unpaid caregiver for your ungrateful relatives who aren't even nice to you. Do you want your kids to think that this is how normal people behave? That this is how YOU believe you should be treated? You don't deserve this. I am 61 and many of my friends have very elder parents in homes. They visit. They take them out. They give th eir love. They are very attentive. They do NOT have them in their homes, pretending they know how to take care of the sick, the frail, those who may be getting dementia. If somebody's parent falls and breaks a hip in a home, they do rush to their side. This is NORMAL attachment, NORMAL loving. What you are doing is accepting the role of a slave, an abused slave. Nobody should have to take care of so many people all the time plus raise two special needs children. And the children also deserve better. Confused, they tell you what to do like you are a little kid. Gpa buys a toy for your son and dictates how he can play on it. You allow him to. They treat you like a little girl. Yet they expect you to snap to do their bidding and take on a role that ten adults could never do. Did THEY do this for so many relatives when they were your age? Another thing I wonder. ARe they misusing your religious beliefs by telling you you'll go to hell or something if you don't take care of them? If so, you need to speak to a pastor. He will set you straight...that is false. Something you posted made me think maybe they were throwing that in for good measure. No religion on earth dictates what you are doing. I truly hope to read one day that you have decided to make other plans for your relatives and just be there at appropriate times. Then I hope you move away with the kids and tend to their needs since so little time exists when you can. I hope you finally live your own life and not their lives. I think you live a very sad story, but I also know you can give it a happy ending. My own feeling, from what you've written, is that a long as you are in their orbit you will never be free. I'm not sure a slow detachment would ever work. For you, in order to have a life, you may have to get out of Dodge. Only you know. I hope you do. I hope so very much. [/QUOTE]
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