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Family of Origin
Elder Care & childrens care...guilt...choices...obligations..love..
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 647198" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>I actually think abusers abuse very deliberately. They choose the abused and try to control the environment so that others also abuse that person. Often the Controller is the strongest personality in the family and everyone wants to please him/her so they all fawn all over this unworthy, abusive person who holds all the "family" power. And if the Controller decides you are the one to be abused, you are. Do they abuse others too? Of course, if they stop performing their designated roles and don't cater to their needs and whims. But they have a certain blacksheep they like to abuse. Usually it is the one who "sees" the family dynamics the clearest and speaks out about the dysfunction or tries to make it better. Or goes to counseling and shares what she/he has learned, which is usually not flattering to Controller. Also, the abused is usually an overly-sensitive, low-confidence, loving person who wants desperately to fit in, even though she or he "sees."</p><p></p><p>The combination is too potent for the Controller not to abuse.</p><p></p><p>The benefit I got by learning about the Controller in my family is that I made dang sure, from the time my kids were little, that I was never that type of parent. And I did leave ex when I saw that he was more in that mold and did not respect me. Took me a long time to leave, but once I did, and decided to never accept that mindset again, my life just got better and better and better. It is so freeing NOT to be part of a controlling pact.</p><p></p><p>To be a safety net for a loving, kind family is normal. But if you don't have that, it often results in their demanding too much of us, threatening to disown/disinherit us, or just heaping on the disrespect until we feel like we are the most worthless person on the planet. We have to stop that or we will feel that way all our lives.</p><p></p><p>Confused, I hope you get this before I did. You deserve to get it and to be your own person. I don't know who the Controller in your family is, but sounds like Grandpa and Aunt is taking over. Why let them control your life?</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 647198, member: 1550"] I actually think abusers abuse very deliberately. They choose the abused and try to control the environment so that others also abuse that person. Often the Controller is the strongest personality in the family and everyone wants to please him/her so they all fawn all over this unworthy, abusive person who holds all the "family" power. And if the Controller decides you are the one to be abused, you are. Do they abuse others too? Of course, if they stop performing their designated roles and don't cater to their needs and whims. But they have a certain blacksheep they like to abuse. Usually it is the one who "sees" the family dynamics the clearest and speaks out about the dysfunction or tries to make it better. Or goes to counseling and shares what she/he has learned, which is usually not flattering to Controller. Also, the abused is usually an overly-sensitive, low-confidence, loving person who wants desperately to fit in, even though she or he "sees." The combination is too potent for the Controller not to abuse. The benefit I got by learning about the Controller in my family is that I made dang sure, from the time my kids were little, that I was never that type of parent. And I did leave ex when I saw that he was more in that mold and did not respect me. Took me a long time to leave, but once I did, and decided to never accept that mindset again, my life just got better and better and better. It is so freeing NOT to be part of a controlling pact. To be a safety net for a loving, kind family is normal. But if you don't have that, it often results in their demanding too much of us, threatening to disown/disinherit us, or just heaping on the disrespect until we feel like we are the most worthless person on the planet. We have to stop that or we will feel that way all our lives. Confused, I hope you get this before I did. You deserve to get it and to be your own person. I don't know who the Controller in your family is, but sounds like Grandpa and Aunt is taking over. Why let them control your life? [/QUOTE]
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