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Family of Origin
Elder Care & childrens care...guilt...choices...obligations..love..
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 647269" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>This is very true. It took me the longest time to take ownership of the facts where my mother was concerned. I knew what she had done was wrong. But at the same time, I did not know that it was wrong to do what she had done <em>to me</em>. </p><p></p><p>Probably because she kept doing it, continued to hold the same attitudes toward me as an adult.</p><p></p><p>I am so glad I see her clearly, now.</p><p></p><p>Wouldn't you think she would have had more integrity than to bully her own daughter?</p><p></p><p>We do what we can to try to understand what it is our parents are trying to teach us. On some level, I accepted that she had judged and found me wanting, and I was miraculously lucky, in an almost fraudulent way, to be alive, at all.</p><p></p><p>That is the worst, most harmful thing that comes of abuse, I think. That the abused person is taught to be grateful to the abuser for his (or her) defective life.</p><p></p><p>As if there could be such a thing as a defective life!</p><p></p><p>And the awfulness of it is that my mother is still playing the same game, today.</p><p></p><p>And I still don't get the "win" in it. But at least I no longer think I have to understand or forgive it, and I no longer believe we can guide our families of origin into a better way.</p><p></p><p>Toxic is toxic.</p><p></p><p>I was happy to learn the term "gaslighting".</p><p></p><p>I am very happy to know that once we see through it, we never respond to those kinds of emotional hits again. Before we see it, anyone can spot the vulnerability in us and move in.</p><p></p><p>But I don't get their "win," either.</p><p></p><p>I just know it happens.</p><p></p><p>Thanks, Mom.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 647269, member: 17461"] This is very true. It took me the longest time to take ownership of the facts where my mother was concerned. I knew what she had done was wrong. But at the same time, I did not know that it was wrong to do what she had done [I]to me[/I]. Probably because she kept doing it, continued to hold the same attitudes toward me as an adult. I am so glad I see her clearly, now. Wouldn't you think she would have had more integrity than to bully her own daughter? We do what we can to try to understand what it is our parents are trying to teach us. On some level, I accepted that she had judged and found me wanting, and I was miraculously lucky, in an almost fraudulent way, to be alive, at all. That is the worst, most harmful thing that comes of abuse, I think. That the abused person is taught to be grateful to the abuser for his (or her) defective life. As if there could be such a thing as a defective life! And the awfulness of it is that my mother is still playing the same game, today. And I still don't get the "win" in it. But at least I no longer think I have to understand or forgive it, and I no longer believe we can guide our families of origin into a better way. Toxic is toxic. I was happy to learn the term "gaslighting". I am very happy to know that once we see through it, we never respond to those kinds of emotional hits again. Before we see it, anyone can spot the vulnerability in us and move in. But I don't get their "win," either. I just know it happens. Thanks, Mom. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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