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Family of Origin
Elder Care & childrens care...guilt...choices...obligations..love..
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 647273" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Not if Mom was treated in a similar way or had a personality disorder (which is inherited to a point). Then everyone in the person's world, even her children, become pawns to serve her needs or be tossed out of the fold. It is part of THEIR defective personality that they do this rather than nurture.</p><p></p><p>"The first time I held you in my arms, I felt nothing, absolutely nothing." What prompted my mother to tell me that, Cedar? She could have gone to her grave without telling me that. It had not been necessary.</p><p></p><p>"If you'd been conceived today, you would have been an abortion. Of course, I love you so much now and I'm so happy to have you." My mom to Sis. Again, why say this to her with a disclaimer on top of it (she gave me the same garbage disclaimer).</p><p></p><p>What is the point of sharing this information?</p><p></p><p>I am very honest with all of my children. I believe in a clean slate and no secrets. However, there are some thoughts that don't need sharing. While I never HAD these thoughts about my children, I have thought, "Why did I take a chance with my DNA and give birth to a child?" about 37. Should I tell him? Of course not. That would be horrible. Why didn't my mother know this?</p><p></p><p>She did know it, I think, and she told us to let us know exactly where we stood.</p><p></p><p>"The only reason I had kids was you were supposed to back in the day." Another gem of hers.</p><p></p><p>And my father: "Not one of you kids have given me a moment's pleasure, not one!"</p><p></p><p>Neither of them ever said, "I was wrong to feel that way or to tell you that." None ever negated her/his horrible statements of which these are only a few.</p><p></p><p>Of my two parents, I feel softer toward my father as he has interspersed his abuse with kindness. Mother never did that. It is more confusing when they do both...abuse then act kind. I think that can be deliberate as well. It's a control method.</p><p></p><p>"I only love you when you do what I want and let me say what I want without questioning me." This was never spoken to me, but I believe it's what many personality-challenged parents say to their children of all ages.</p><p></p><p>We win once we understand their game and stop playing, allowing them to deal with our changed behavior the way they do. If it ends in rejection, at least we have our self-respect and our children can see that we (and themselves too...important point) do not have to take abuse from ANYBODY...not mom, not dad, not gramps, not gran, not husband, not sis, not neighbor...we can walk away from those who abuse us because it's wrong to bully another person. It doesn't matter who the bully is. It's still wrong. And it's to our detriment and our children to take it.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 647273, member: 1550"] Not if Mom was treated in a similar way or had a personality disorder (which is inherited to a point). Then everyone in the person's world, even her children, become pawns to serve her needs or be tossed out of the fold. It is part of THEIR defective personality that they do this rather than nurture. "The first time I held you in my arms, I felt nothing, absolutely nothing." What prompted my mother to tell me that, Cedar? She could have gone to her grave without telling me that. It had not been necessary. "If you'd been conceived today, you would have been an abortion. Of course, I love you so much now and I'm so happy to have you." My mom to Sis. Again, why say this to her with a disclaimer on top of it (she gave me the same garbage disclaimer). What is the point of sharing this information? I am very honest with all of my children. I believe in a clean slate and no secrets. However, there are some thoughts that don't need sharing. While I never HAD these thoughts about my children, I have thought, "Why did I take a chance with my DNA and give birth to a child?" about 37. Should I tell him? Of course not. That would be horrible. Why didn't my mother know this? She did know it, I think, and she told us to let us know exactly where we stood. "The only reason I had kids was you were supposed to back in the day." Another gem of hers. And my father: "Not one of you kids have given me a moment's pleasure, not one!" Neither of them ever said, "I was wrong to feel that way or to tell you that." None ever negated her/his horrible statements of which these are only a few. Of my two parents, I feel softer toward my father as he has interspersed his abuse with kindness. Mother never did that. It is more confusing when they do both...abuse then act kind. I think that can be deliberate as well. It's a control method. "I only love you when you do what I want and let me say what I want without questioning me." This was never spoken to me, but I believe it's what many personality-challenged parents say to their children of all ages. We win once we understand their game and stop playing, allowing them to deal with our changed behavior the way they do. If it ends in rejection, at least we have our self-respect and our children can see that we (and themselves too...important point) do not have to take abuse from ANYBODY...not mom, not dad, not gramps, not gran, not husband, not sis, not neighbor...we can walk away from those who abuse us because it's wrong to bully another person. It doesn't matter who the bully is. It's still wrong. And it's to our detriment and our children to take it. [/QUOTE]
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