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Email from difficult child-- do I (how) respond?
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 619284" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Oh BITS, you didn't do anything wrong, I'm sure you were a loving, nurturing, wonderful mother to your son. There are many stages of this detaching stuff and one part is the self blame and the guilt..............it certainly pushes us in that direction when our kids blame us for everything, but the rest we do to ourselves. "If I were a better Mom, this wouldn't be happening to my son"................."I could have somehow done something to prevent this."............."It's all my fault."...........and scores of more self blame. We somehow believe we have the power to work a miracle with our kids............we will love them enough, get them enough resources, stand by them, do whatever it takes to make whatever is wrong, right. And.......................we don't have that power. None of us have the power to change another person, or help him if he doesn't want help. There is NOTHING you can do, and NOTHING you could have done to change any of this.</p><p></p><p>He is who he is and the reason becomes irrelevant once he is an adult and refuses any help............there is nothing more you could have done or can do now. Keep telling yourself, "this is not my fault." </p><p></p><p>I remember when all of this came together for me and one day I said out loud, "none of this has anything to do with me, this is not my fault." It was like a totally new thought..................I said it quite a bit for awhile too............it was very freeing. </p><p></p><p>You did everything you could do, everything you knew to do, if you knew more, you would have done more. That is ALL any of us can ever do. Let yourself off that guilt hook. It will only cause suffering for you. Suffering you don't deserve. Your son is <u>choosing </u>the life he is in, as my daughter is, as the adult kids of everyone here is........</p><p></p><p>You did it all because he is your son, you love him and you wanted him to have a wonderful life. It wasn't a wasted effort, you enjoyed a lot of your life with him, as he did with you. He may not admit that now, but that's the truth. But, really, now he has other plans. We need to let go and let them go where they want to be. </p><p></p><p>He may or may not wake up. But you have a whole life to live. You have husband, a farm, horses, you have a beautiful life you can now focus on. Do something especially kind for yourself today, tomorrow, and every single day. We're right here BITS, you're not alone............hugs.........</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 619284, member: 13542"] Oh BITS, you didn't do anything wrong, I'm sure you were a loving, nurturing, wonderful mother to your son. There are many stages of this detaching stuff and one part is the self blame and the guilt..............it certainly pushes us in that direction when our kids blame us for everything, but the rest we do to ourselves. "If I were a better Mom, this wouldn't be happening to my son"................."I could have somehow done something to prevent this."............."It's all my fault."...........and scores of more self blame. We somehow believe we have the power to work a miracle with our kids............we will love them enough, get them enough resources, stand by them, do whatever it takes to make whatever is wrong, right. And.......................we don't have that power. None of us have the power to change another person, or help him if he doesn't want help. There is NOTHING you can do, and NOTHING you could have done to change any of this. He is who he is and the reason becomes irrelevant once he is an adult and refuses any help............there is nothing more you could have done or can do now. Keep telling yourself, "this is not my fault." I remember when all of this came together for me and one day I said out loud, "none of this has anything to do with me, this is not my fault." It was like a totally new thought..................I said it quite a bit for awhile too............it was very freeing. You did everything you could do, everything you knew to do, if you knew more, you would have done more. That is ALL any of us can ever do. Let yourself off that guilt hook. It will only cause suffering for you. Suffering you don't deserve. Your son is [U]choosing [/U]the life he is in, as my daughter is, as the adult kids of everyone here is........ You did it all because he is your son, you love him and you wanted him to have a wonderful life. It wasn't a wasted effort, you enjoyed a lot of your life with him, as he did with you. He may not admit that now, but that's the truth. But, really, now he has other plans. We need to let go and let them go where they want to be. He may or may not wake up. But you have a whole life to live. You have husband, a farm, horses, you have a beautiful life you can now focus on. Do something especially kind for yourself today, tomorrow, and every single day. We're right here BITS, you're not alone............hugs......... [/QUOTE]
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