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<blockquote data-quote="SuZir" data-source="post: 629817" data-attributes="member: 14557"><p>I have always been good at taking distance. I was very, very young, when I had to take a role of a grown-up of our little family of me and my mom and her changing husbands and SOs. I'm smart, meaning I have both higher than average IQ and I'm pragmatic and functional. I was that from the early age. It made it possible for me to do quite well in that grown-up role long before I even hit my teens. But it of course left it marks and being a realist and pragmatist turned to cynicism and even certain callousness (and of course made me rather neurotic control freak.) My grandparents gave me a chance to be a kid every now and then, but if I had access to them and they to me was up to my mom's whims. I grew up to be rather jaded person with strong desire to those white picket fences that represented safety and normalcy to me. And while I have said earlier here, that I lack the intensity my parents and difficult child represent, I have enough of that to make things I really want to come true.And I certainly has never let any messy emotions to come between me and what I want.</p><p></p><p>I don't mean that I wouldn't have emotions, I certainly do. I love my husband (but yes, wouldn't have chosen him if he wouldn't have wanted and been able to provide the lifestyle I wanted), I'm very attached to his extended family (mostly, I really don't like very much his mother, but I'm little bit attached to her too, and even more to how my husband and others love her) and I have few close friends I love dearly and other friends I like a lot. I love our dogs (though here come that callousness again, I'm always the one, who decides when it is time to euthanise a dog in our family. husband would always want to postpone and hope miracles and just wait for a bit if it would turn better again.) But in the end there are only two people I have fallen in love without any qualms, without question and throwing my whole heart totally in. And neither of those relationships certainly are between equal parties so even in those I have only given one facet of me to the table. At least till now, maybe a decade or two from now those relationships are more equal and I have to put more into them.</p><p></p><p>But the thing is, that I'm now in so much stronger footing in every way than I was in my twenties, that I can open up a bit. I can make myself vulnerable without having to be afraid that I will not be able to stand the consequences. I'm certainly not starting to wear my heart on my sleeve and my brains have not stopped working and I'm as much realist and pragmatist as ever. I do for example know that my dad is a lying and liar who lies, runs hot and cold and all around miserable SOB and I may end up to his bad side at any moment or he may ditch me for a decade again without any warning or any wrongdoing from my part. But I also know that if and when that happens, it will hurt, but it will not break me, so it is worth taking a risk. I'm unlikely to get a happy ever after with him, but if I can get good few months or years or just few good moments, that is more than nothing.</p><p></p><p>Peace, quiet, serenity and all that don't sound that enchanting for me either. That may be due my age. I'm just few years older than you daughter SoC. At average I have about half of my life still ahead of me. I'm far from ready to be sidelined. There may be a time when I'm ready to be happy in my rocking chair, but right now I 'm still ready to dive head first to life at it's fullest. I have been having a mid life crisis for couple years now. I had my kids very young in my societies standards (average first time mother is 29 around here if I remember correctly), many of my friends are still having babies and while not wanting to start all that again from the beginning I'm as ready as they are to still start a new. I have done many other decisions to that avenue lately. I started my PhD program this year and I'm currently in process to change my plans for that from being something like a hobby to going more all in. Many of my fellow grad schoolers may be ten or fifteen years younger than I and my age certainly is a handicap if I end up going all in to academia, but to me it begins to seem more and more worth the risk too. In fact I should probably send a little thank you prayer to DDD about that. We had some conversations this winter that really made me think about all that again and made me decide that I wasn't going to stand sidelines next 40 years. So I have done concious choice to open myself up and take more risks both in my professional and personal life.</p><p></p><p>Part of changing my point of view especially to my dad is also age related. I'm coming into the age where roles are starting to shift between parents growing older and their adult children. I see it happening with my friends too. Many have worries with their parents and roles are shifting so that they start to be the caretakers of their parents instead of the other way around. I have been a caretaker a long time, but now it starts to feel more natural. When it was plain wrong, that I was a caretaker of my mom and dad when I was seven, now that I'm getting close to my mid forties, it starts to feel like it should be. We are finally in 'normal situation' with my dad, our roles are not upside down any more. I'm not yarning him to fill a role of dad in traditional sense any more. I have given up ever having a 'dad' like that, I have grieved never having one and I'm ready to move on. I don't need him to be 'the dad' for me any more. And when that need is gone, even though it went unfulfilled, we are meeting in totally different grounds. It is of course bitter-sweet, but it is, what it is.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="SuZir, post: 629817, member: 14557"] I have always been good at taking distance. I was very, very young, when I had to take a role of a grown-up of our little family of me and my mom and her changing husbands and SOs. I'm smart, meaning I have both higher than average IQ and I'm pragmatic and functional. I was that from the early age. It made it possible for me to do quite well in that grown-up role long before I even hit my teens. But it of course left it marks and being a realist and pragmatist turned to cynicism and even certain callousness (and of course made me rather neurotic control freak.) My grandparents gave me a chance to be a kid every now and then, but if I had access to them and they to me was up to my mom's whims. I grew up to be rather jaded person with strong desire to those white picket fences that represented safety and normalcy to me. And while I have said earlier here, that I lack the intensity my parents and difficult child represent, I have enough of that to make things I really want to come true.And I certainly has never let any messy emotions to come between me and what I want. I don't mean that I wouldn't have emotions, I certainly do. I love my husband (but yes, wouldn't have chosen him if he wouldn't have wanted and been able to provide the lifestyle I wanted), I'm very attached to his extended family (mostly, I really don't like very much his mother, but I'm little bit attached to her too, and even more to how my husband and others love her) and I have few close friends I love dearly and other friends I like a lot. I love our dogs (though here come that callousness again, I'm always the one, who decides when it is time to euthanise a dog in our family. husband would always want to postpone and hope miracles and just wait for a bit if it would turn better again.) But in the end there are only two people I have fallen in love without any qualms, without question and throwing my whole heart totally in. And neither of those relationships certainly are between equal parties so even in those I have only given one facet of me to the table. At least till now, maybe a decade or two from now those relationships are more equal and I have to put more into them. But the thing is, that I'm now in so much stronger footing in every way than I was in my twenties, that I can open up a bit. I can make myself vulnerable without having to be afraid that I will not be able to stand the consequences. I'm certainly not starting to wear my heart on my sleeve and my brains have not stopped working and I'm as much realist and pragmatist as ever. I do for example know that my dad is a lying and liar who lies, runs hot and cold and all around miserable SOB and I may end up to his bad side at any moment or he may ditch me for a decade again without any warning or any wrongdoing from my part. But I also know that if and when that happens, it will hurt, but it will not break me, so it is worth taking a risk. I'm unlikely to get a happy ever after with him, but if I can get good few months or years or just few good moments, that is more than nothing. Peace, quiet, serenity and all that don't sound that enchanting for me either. That may be due my age. I'm just few years older than you daughter SoC. At average I have about half of my life still ahead of me. I'm far from ready to be sidelined. There may be a time when I'm ready to be happy in my rocking chair, but right now I 'm still ready to dive head first to life at it's fullest. I have been having a mid life crisis for couple years now. I had my kids very young in my societies standards (average first time mother is 29 around here if I remember correctly), many of my friends are still having babies and while not wanting to start all that again from the beginning I'm as ready as they are to still start a new. I have done many other decisions to that avenue lately. I started my PhD program this year and I'm currently in process to change my plans for that from being something like a hobby to going more all in. Many of my fellow grad schoolers may be ten or fifteen years younger than I and my age certainly is a handicap if I end up going all in to academia, but to me it begins to seem more and more worth the risk too. In fact I should probably send a little thank you prayer to DDD about that. We had some conversations this winter that really made me think about all that again and made me decide that I wasn't going to stand sidelines next 40 years. So I have done concious choice to open myself up and take more risks both in my professional and personal life. Part of changing my point of view especially to my dad is also age related. I'm coming into the age where roles are starting to shift between parents growing older and their adult children. I see it happening with my friends too. Many have worries with their parents and roles are shifting so that they start to be the caretakers of their parents instead of the other way around. I have been a caretaker a long time, but now it starts to feel more natural. When it was plain wrong, that I was a caretaker of my mom and dad when I was seven, now that I'm getting close to my mid forties, it starts to feel like it should be. We are finally in 'normal situation' with my dad, our roles are not upside down any more. I'm not yarning him to fill a role of dad in traditional sense any more. I have given up ever having a 'dad' like that, I have grieved never having one and I'm ready to move on. I don't need him to be 'the dad' for me any more. And when that need is gone, even though it went unfulfilled, we are meeting in totally different grounds. It is of course bitter-sweet, but it is, what it is. [/QUOTE]
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