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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 640461" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Hi, Meagan. I am sorry you are going through this. I am not going to judge anyone here, but I can tell you that your ex is using something called gaslighting. Do you know what that is? It is when somebody continuously makes a person out to be something they are not; distorts reality. In this case he has invented a mental illness that is probably closer to what HE has...some sort of personality disorder that is classic in people who lie and cheat. Very sadly, he got your oldest daughter to believe the gaslighting.</p><p></p><p>I have been around the block with dysfunction and this is what I would do if it were me.</p><p></p><p>First of all, I would start going low contact with the oldest daughter. You can not control what she does. You have 0% control over anybody except yourself and your daughter and your ex are abusing you. Actually, you need to decide how much you want to talk to your daughter right now. Sometimes a disconnect for a while, with you acting reasonable and calm every time you do talk, can give the other person time to think over what is real and what is fake. At any rate, you can not stop her from thinking you have this disorder, even though you don't. I am really finding it abusive that she would put this on the social media and upset your career. That says more about her than you. And I think more than a few people probably realize this.</p><p></p><p>I would continue to foster a good relationship with your younger daughter, changing the topic if she brings up her older sister's opinions. A good answer to both girls when they say you have borderline is to calmly respond (and I do mean calmly) "I have never been diagnosed with that, but I can't stop you from thinking what you think. If you think I have red hair, which I don't, I can't stop you from thinking that either. So I guess we will agree to disagree" and change the subject, even though I know it is killing you inside that they have this misconception about you due to dad's gaslighting and manipulation. In time, I suspect both young ladies will figure him out.</p><p></p><p>Until/unless they do get it right, and figure they are being tricked, you have 100% control over your own life. That's the good news <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /> You can nurture your positive relationships and it sounds like you have so many good people who love and appreciate the real you and not some made up fictional character. If you had Borderline (BPD), you would not have so many stable relationships in your life. You can calmly point that out to your girls once or twice. I would not push it. I say this as somebody who has borderline traits and has worked very hard to eliminate them when I can and to correct the mistake when I slide. You are fine and if it were me, I'd spend my days with those who know it, loving them and loving myself. This does not mean you have to not love your daughters, but if they hurt you, it isn't a bad idea to keep contact to a tolerable minimum. You can not make either of them change nor can you stop older one from influencing younger one or ex from being probably the narcissistic man that he is.</p><p></p><p>This is a maddening problem I have heard about from others who have had dysfunctional ex's and they manage to turn it all on their wives or sometimes the other way around. It is unfortunate, but it does happen. What can you do? Enjoy your life and see what the future has in store for you and the girls. Focus on the "now" and don't worry about the future or ruminate about the past or wonder what you did wrong, if you think you did something wrong because you didn't.</p><p></p><p>Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Enjoy it with those who really KNOW you...and take it slow, cautious, and easy, and one day at a time with your daughters. You can set boundaries too, such as this one:</p><p></p><p>You: Oldest, I know you think I have borderline PD, but I choose not to discuss that with you anymore. Therefore if you bring it up, I will have to gently hang up the phone until we can discuss another topic. (If she is with you, you can amend this to "I will have to take a walk" or "you will have to leave for a while."</p><p></p><p>Expect her to retaliate, even saying that is a borderline trait, or that biased Uncle Blah Blah diagnosed you then make good on your promise. It is not a threat. It is a way to protect your feelings. You two really have nothing to say to each other about this topic anymore anyway, so I'd put a boundary up and ban it from your interactions.</p><p></p><p>I am really, really sorry a good person like you has to go through this with her daughter(s), but I would take the high road, not attack, not overinteract with Daughter #1 right now, and fall forward into the arms of those who love and appreciate you and have a blast with all your wonderful friends. You are a worthwhile person and should love yourself and not allow anyone, even your grown children, to abuse you. Sad thing is, it is your ex who is sick, but your oldest at least chooses to believe his lies. But you can't control it, unfortunately. </p><p></p><p>Hugs and hoping you enjoy your life. Keep posting. It helps <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 640461, member: 1550"] Hi, Meagan. I am sorry you are going through this. I am not going to judge anyone here, but I can tell you that your ex is using something called gaslighting. Do you know what that is? It is when somebody continuously makes a person out to be something they are not; distorts reality. In this case he has invented a mental illness that is probably closer to what HE has...some sort of personality disorder that is classic in people who lie and cheat. Very sadly, he got your oldest daughter to believe the gaslighting. I have been around the block with dysfunction and this is what I would do if it were me. First of all, I would start going low contact with the oldest daughter. You can not control what she does. You have 0% control over anybody except yourself and your daughter and your ex are abusing you. Actually, you need to decide how much you want to talk to your daughter right now. Sometimes a disconnect for a while, with you acting reasonable and calm every time you do talk, can give the other person time to think over what is real and what is fake. At any rate, you can not stop her from thinking you have this disorder, even though you don't. I am really finding it abusive that she would put this on the social media and upset your career. That says more about her than you. And I think more than a few people probably realize this. I would continue to foster a good relationship with your younger daughter, changing the topic if she brings up her older sister's opinions. A good answer to both girls when they say you have borderline is to calmly respond (and I do mean calmly) "I have never been diagnosed with that, but I can't stop you from thinking what you think. If you think I have red hair, which I don't, I can't stop you from thinking that either. So I guess we will agree to disagree" and change the subject, even though I know it is killing you inside that they have this misconception about you due to dad's gaslighting and manipulation. In time, I suspect both young ladies will figure him out. Until/unless they do get it right, and figure they are being tricked, you have 100% control over your own life. That's the good news :) You can nurture your positive relationships and it sounds like you have so many good people who love and appreciate the real you and not some made up fictional character. If you had Borderline (BPD), you would not have so many stable relationships in your life. You can calmly point that out to your girls once or twice. I would not push it. I say this as somebody who has borderline traits and has worked very hard to eliminate them when I can and to correct the mistake when I slide. You are fine and if it were me, I'd spend my days with those who know it, loving them and loving myself. This does not mean you have to not love your daughters, but if they hurt you, it isn't a bad idea to keep contact to a tolerable minimum. You can not make either of them change nor can you stop older one from influencing younger one or ex from being probably the narcissistic man that he is. This is a maddening problem I have heard about from others who have had dysfunctional ex's and they manage to turn it all on their wives or sometimes the other way around. It is unfortunate, but it does happen. What can you do? Enjoy your life and see what the future has in store for you and the girls. Focus on the "now" and don't worry about the future or ruminate about the past or wonder what you did wrong, if you think you did something wrong because you didn't. Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Enjoy it with those who really KNOW you...and take it slow, cautious, and easy, and one day at a time with your daughters. You can set boundaries too, such as this one: You: Oldest, I know you think I have borderline PD, but I choose not to discuss that with you anymore. Therefore if you bring it up, I will have to gently hang up the phone until we can discuss another topic. (If she is with you, you can amend this to "I will have to take a walk" or "you will have to leave for a while." Expect her to retaliate, even saying that is a borderline trait, or that biased Uncle Blah Blah diagnosed you then make good on your promise. It is not a threat. It is a way to protect your feelings. You two really have nothing to say to each other about this topic anymore anyway, so I'd put a boundary up and ban it from your interactions. I am really, really sorry a good person like you has to go through this with her daughter(s), but I would take the high road, not attack, not overinteract with Daughter #1 right now, and fall forward into the arms of those who love and appreciate you and have a blast with all your wonderful friends. You are a worthwhile person and should love yourself and not allow anyone, even your grown children, to abuse you. Sad thing is, it is your ex who is sick, but your oldest at least chooses to believe his lies. But you can't control it, unfortunately. Hugs and hoping you enjoy your life. Keep posting. It helps :) [/QUOTE]
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