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Estranged Are Making Contact
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<blockquote data-quote="SuZir" data-source="post: 540995" data-attributes="member: 14557"><p>I mostly agree with other. Proceed carefully and keep your expectations very low. And think hard what you want from these relationships and what your boundaries are. And stick with that.</p><p></p><p>But I wouldn't really even expect any profound apologizes in their first interactions after estrangement, and certainly not in public place in front of the co-worker. Also it is good to keep in mind that they have their own point of view to this. Even if it is not objectively sound, it may be truth to them.</p><p></p><p>My experience on trying to handle a relationship with estranged, hostile and untrustworthy family member is not with my kid but with my father. he has hurt me many ways, has broken my trust too many times to probably ever be mended. In fact also he has taken 'an imposter kids' to 'my place' in past and that was hurtful even though I was already adult at the time. My dad is locally a little bit known artist and at one time he was married with locally well known celebrity who had adult kids from earlier relationships. It really hurt to read from papers how happy my father was to 'finally have a family' and how he 'feels like those kids are his own and like a real granddad' and 'what a gift it is to be able to spend Holidays with them', same time he didn't even bother to send Christmas card for me and my kids. To be fair, it is my choice he has had very little contact to my kids. He is charming but totally untrustworthy person and I didn't want to expose my kids too much to that. </p><p></p><p>I still have a relationship with him. It is strained, polite but without any trust, but still it is a relationship. I even do know he probably loves me as much as he is able to love any person really. He is capable to be infatuated and very melodramatically 'in love' with someone, but to really love? well, maybe in his own way and I think I'm high on that list, even though he treats me often badly. I also do love him, but I have very low expectations for him. He has very bohemian lifestyle, substance abuse issues (maybe not really addict because he is still live and kicking in his late sixties and he has had this lifestyle his whole adult life) and I have often wondered if he has Borderline (BPD). At least he has all the symptoms. </p><p></p><p>Your kids being with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) it may be too much to expect to have warm and attached relationship with them now that they are adults. They may never be capable to that. But maybe it is worth it to have friendly, if distant, relationship with them, without any expectations of real closeness. If you are ready for that, it is better even not to expect any heartfelt apologizes from them, that may be something they are not capable of. But you may be able to have enjoyable enough relationship with friendly, distant, not trusting, keeping firm on your boundaries-way.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="SuZir, post: 540995, member: 14557"] I mostly agree with other. Proceed carefully and keep your expectations very low. And think hard what you want from these relationships and what your boundaries are. And stick with that. But I wouldn't really even expect any profound apologizes in their first interactions after estrangement, and certainly not in public place in front of the co-worker. Also it is good to keep in mind that they have their own point of view to this. Even if it is not objectively sound, it may be truth to them. My experience on trying to handle a relationship with estranged, hostile and untrustworthy family member is not with my kid but with my father. he has hurt me many ways, has broken my trust too many times to probably ever be mended. In fact also he has taken 'an imposter kids' to 'my place' in past and that was hurtful even though I was already adult at the time. My dad is locally a little bit known artist and at one time he was married with locally well known celebrity who had adult kids from earlier relationships. It really hurt to read from papers how happy my father was to 'finally have a family' and how he 'feels like those kids are his own and like a real granddad' and 'what a gift it is to be able to spend Holidays with them', same time he didn't even bother to send Christmas card for me and my kids. To be fair, it is my choice he has had very little contact to my kids. He is charming but totally untrustworthy person and I didn't want to expose my kids too much to that. I still have a relationship with him. It is strained, polite but without any trust, but still it is a relationship. I even do know he probably loves me as much as he is able to love any person really. He is capable to be infatuated and very melodramatically 'in love' with someone, but to really love? well, maybe in his own way and I think I'm high on that list, even though he treats me often badly. I also do love him, but I have very low expectations for him. He has very bohemian lifestyle, substance abuse issues (maybe not really addict because he is still live and kicking in his late sixties and he has had this lifestyle his whole adult life) and I have often wondered if he has Borderline (BPD). At least he has all the symptoms. Your kids being with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) it may be too much to expect to have warm and attached relationship with them now that they are adults. They may never be capable to that. But maybe it is worth it to have friendly, if distant, relationship with them, without any expectations of real closeness. If you are ready for that, it is better even not to expect any heartfelt apologizes from them, that may be something they are not capable of. But you may be able to have enjoyable enough relationship with friendly, distant, not trusting, keeping firm on your boundaries-way. [/QUOTE]
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