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Ethical Dilemma
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<blockquote data-quote="XerSib" data-source="post: 325694" data-attributes="member: 8565"><p>Sorry I took so long to respond, end of quarter crunch at work...</p><p></p><p>Suz: Thanks for the very nice welcome!</p><p></p><p>slsh: Your post is a very nice "playbook" and some serious food for thought. I guess I need to take some notes from your and others' posts <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite8" alt=":D" title="Big Grin :D" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":D" />. I was particularly impressed with your cautions about putting my folks on the defensive, avoiding value judgments, etc. Excellent suggestions! </p><p></p><p>witzend: It's not so much that my wife and I disagree about this situation. Mainly, I am predicting that if my sib gets in any way entangled with our lives on a routine, day to day basis, nothing good will come of it in our marriage. My wife does not care for the person my bro has become (nor do I for that matter) - specifically the needy, spoiled, ungrateful, entitlement focused personality and of course the anger issues. If our engagement with my bro were to get any more substantial it would, I predict, be a marriage ender. </p><p></p><p>animom: I am actually very concerned about something you alluded to. At some point, even without this issue, my wife and I will retire in a different state. We would not want to set the expectation with my folks / my bro that we will be physically near. Because we probably won't be. by the way - one of the errors my folks have made was their failure to cash out their equity from the home in the expensive area they live in and downsize / relo in a way to set themselves up for the long term, inclusive of a really rock solid 40 or 50 year plan to set up my bro be it trust fund, small business, live in landlord in a multiplex, etc. Had they done that, it would have meant an area where we possibly might have been able to eventually retire ourselves. Oh well. Now we'll end up in different areas. </p><p></p><p>DDD: I am unfamiliar with most of the details of the will. But there is one I know - I am the executor. <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/felttip/ohmygod.png" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":ohmygod:" title="ohmygod :ohmygod:" data-shortname=":ohmygod:" />. That's cool, I can deal with that. But duly noted about the other details I really ought to try and get. Lots of follow up to do with my folks, for sure. </p><p></p><p>JJJ: Assuming the group home actually happens, I reckon that my folks will take a similar approach as your friend, as long as they are alive. But after that ... ? If we've already relo'd for retirement, bro will suddenly be on his own. However, even worse in a way would be if my folks pass prior to our retirement. There will then be two phases - an initial phase where my wife and I will be nearby (but probably maintaining a degree of relationship distance) and a second phase where we leave the area. See related note of general concern below ... </p><p></p><p>Fran: The "in between" high functioning but impaired condition is a perfect description of my bro. Good advice regarding some sensitivity dealing with my folks. Good point about info available 40 years ago versus today. </p><p></p><p>Nomad: Very interesting insights regarding some of the potential exposures if I end up being involved in cash flows etc. I completely agree - I shall have to check into this. Your other thoughts are very useful as well. </p><p></p><p>Trinity: I really appreciate the encouraging thoughts! </p><p></p><p>Now, for my general concern. I really hope my folks have not, in addition to designating me as executor, somehow included language specifying that the court vets me as conservator. The law in this state apparently says that if I end up as conservator, I/we cannot leave the state. That would really be a problem with our retirement plans. <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/felttip/wince.png" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":wince:" title="wince :wince:" data-shortname=":wince:" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="XerSib, post: 325694, member: 8565"] Sorry I took so long to respond, end of quarter crunch at work... Suz: Thanks for the very nice welcome! slsh: Your post is a very nice "playbook" and some serious food for thought. I guess I need to take some notes from your and others' posts :happy:. I was particularly impressed with your cautions about putting my folks on the defensive, avoiding value judgments, etc. Excellent suggestions! witzend: It's not so much that my wife and I disagree about this situation. Mainly, I am predicting that if my sib gets in any way entangled with our lives on a routine, day to day basis, nothing good will come of it in our marriage. My wife does not care for the person my bro has become (nor do I for that matter) - specifically the needy, spoiled, ungrateful, entitlement focused personality and of course the anger issues. If our engagement with my bro were to get any more substantial it would, I predict, be a marriage ender. animom: I am actually very concerned about something you alluded to. At some point, even without this issue, my wife and I will retire in a different state. We would not want to set the expectation with my folks / my bro that we will be physically near. Because we probably won't be. by the way - one of the errors my folks have made was their failure to cash out their equity from the home in the expensive area they live in and downsize / relo in a way to set themselves up for the long term, inclusive of a really rock solid 40 or 50 year plan to set up my bro be it trust fund, small business, live in landlord in a multiplex, etc. Had they done that, it would have meant an area where we possibly might have been able to eventually retire ourselves. Oh well. Now we'll end up in different areas. DDD: I am unfamiliar with most of the details of the will. But there is one I know - I am the executor. :ohmygod:. That's cool, I can deal with that. But duly noted about the other details I really ought to try and get. Lots of follow up to do with my folks, for sure. JJJ: Assuming the group home actually happens, I reckon that my folks will take a similar approach as your friend, as long as they are alive. But after that ... ? If we've already relo'd for retirement, bro will suddenly be on his own. However, even worse in a way would be if my folks pass prior to our retirement. There will then be two phases - an initial phase where my wife and I will be nearby (but probably maintaining a degree of relationship distance) and a second phase where we leave the area. See related note of general concern below ... Fran: The "in between" high functioning but impaired condition is a perfect description of my bro. Good advice regarding some sensitivity dealing with my folks. Good point about info available 40 years ago versus today. Nomad: Very interesting insights regarding some of the potential exposures if I end up being involved in cash flows etc. I completely agree - I shall have to check into this. Your other thoughts are very useful as well. Trinity: I really appreciate the encouraging thoughts! Now, for my general concern. I really hope my folks have not, in addition to designating me as executor, somehow included language specifying that the court vets me as conservator. The law in this state apparently says that if I end up as conservator, I/we cannot leave the state. That would really be a problem with our retirement plans. :wince: [/QUOTE]
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