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Ethical Dilemma
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<blockquote data-quote="Hound dog" data-source="post: 331050" data-attributes="member: 84"><p>I admire the fact that you have obviously given this matter quite a bit of thought. As I see it, your biggest problem is that you are lacking a lot of information, especially as far as your parents specific plans as to what is to become of bro when they pass or become too incapacitated to care for him any longer. This is really not good if you are the executor of the will. Mostly because whatever plans they have made/ or plan to make will have to be set into motion asap once they pass or are unable to care for bro.</p><p></p><p>You really need to think about the part of "unable to care for bro" because as they age that is going to become an issue. It is just as likely that you'll face this issue far before your parent's actual death.</p><p></p><p>I have to ditto Fran's response. Forty years ago there was actually very very little information or treatment for someone such as your bro. That's true of even 20 yrs ago. I know it's not easy to look at the situation from the outside, see things that obviously stand out as enabling behaviors ect, and not make a judgment. I've done it with my husband (aspie) and his mother as well. I can see all the mistakes she made like giant red flags. But I also know she honestly thought she was doing what was best at the time. </p><p></p><p>My daughters and I have discussed this issue quite a bit since they've become adults. While I'm still trying to help my son become as independent as possible....he may never be able to live on his own. We come from a culture where family is the very center of everything. To not care for one of our own who can't take care of themselves is unthinkable. Yet, honestly...if either of my daughters felt they could not take on the responsibility of their brother I would understand. My son is very easy going, tries hard to be independent and such, but is still an enormous responsibility to take on and as much as I love him...not the easiest person in the world to live with.</p><p></p><p>Oddly, I have the same issue with my mother. Paranoid schizophrenic with the potential to be violent and quite dangerous, getting on in years and not going to be able to live on her own much longer. Yet I've already informed the family as well as my mother that I will not take on responsibility of her. She can move here and live in an apartment while possible and when the time comes move into a nursing facility of some sort. She will <u><em><strong>never</strong></em></u> live with me. Not because I'm cold-hearted or selfish, but because it would be a volatile situation I don't intend on putting myself into.</p><p></p><p>This needs to be discussed as openly and honestly with your parents as possible. It is important for everyone's well being, most especially that of your brother's. I didn't see whether or not your brother is a legal ward of your parents or not. If not, this may become a huge issue once they are no longer able to care for him as whatever plans that are made will require his cooperation. </p><p></p><p>If your parents haven't actually made "real" plans, you could help them acquire information about programs that are available and such. Because there may be many more options out there than they are aware of, it depends on where you are. I don't know if your brother is in treatment or not, but if he is it could be used to get him used to the idea of what will happen once the situation arises and help prepare him for it.</p><p></p><p>Odds are your parents are as worried about this issue as you are. I hope the talk goes well.</p><p></p><p>Welcome to the board. <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p><p></p><p>((hugs))</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Hound dog, post: 331050, member: 84"] I admire the fact that you have obviously given this matter quite a bit of thought. As I see it, your biggest problem is that you are lacking a lot of information, especially as far as your parents specific plans as to what is to become of bro when they pass or become too incapacitated to care for him any longer. This is really not good if you are the executor of the will. Mostly because whatever plans they have made/ or plan to make will have to be set into motion asap once they pass or are unable to care for bro. You really need to think about the part of "unable to care for bro" because as they age that is going to become an issue. It is just as likely that you'll face this issue far before your parent's actual death. I have to ditto Fran's response. Forty years ago there was actually very very little information or treatment for someone such as your bro. That's true of even 20 yrs ago. I know it's not easy to look at the situation from the outside, see things that obviously stand out as enabling behaviors ect, and not make a judgment. I've done it with my husband (aspie) and his mother as well. I can see all the mistakes she made like giant red flags. But I also know she honestly thought she was doing what was best at the time. My daughters and I have discussed this issue quite a bit since they've become adults. While I'm still trying to help my son become as independent as possible....he may never be able to live on his own. We come from a culture where family is the very center of everything. To not care for one of our own who can't take care of themselves is unthinkable. Yet, honestly...if either of my daughters felt they could not take on the responsibility of their brother I would understand. My son is very easy going, tries hard to be independent and such, but is still an enormous responsibility to take on and as much as I love him...not the easiest person in the world to live with. Oddly, I have the same issue with my mother. Paranoid schizophrenic with the potential to be violent and quite dangerous, getting on in years and not going to be able to live on her own much longer. Yet I've already informed the family as well as my mother that I will not take on responsibility of her. She can move here and live in an apartment while possible and when the time comes move into a nursing facility of some sort. She will [U][I][B]never[/B][/I][/U] live with me. Not because I'm cold-hearted or selfish, but because it would be a volatile situation I don't intend on putting myself into. This needs to be discussed as openly and honestly with your parents as possible. It is important for everyone's well being, most especially that of your brother's. I didn't see whether or not your brother is a legal ward of your parents or not. If not, this may become a huge issue once they are no longer able to care for him as whatever plans that are made will require his cooperation. If your parents haven't actually made "real" plans, you could help them acquire information about programs that are available and such. Because there may be many more options out there than they are aware of, it depends on where you are. I don't know if your brother is in treatment or not, but if he is it could be used to get him used to the idea of what will happen once the situation arises and help prepare him for it. Odds are your parents are as worried about this issue as you are. I hope the talk goes well. Welcome to the board. :) ((hugs)) [/QUOTE]
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