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Ex emailed my mom and oh boy is he ever eating his words now.
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<blockquote data-quote="Mattsmom277" data-source="post: 570038" data-attributes="member: 4264"><p>Sorry to hear she is needing medication adjustments. Does she need a appointment with psychiatrist to order a adjustment, or is it prearranged and something you are just able to start at home? I hope that she maintains at dads so that you can get your things done this weekend. However if she does act up, it is a great time to be conveniently unavailable for a call to come pick her up early. A great opportunity for your ex to get a taste of full blown meltdown and non compliance, and a great time for difficult child to see what life might be like daily, very soon, if she continues to refuse to allow you to parent, leading you to send her to dads to see if that might straighten her out a bit. </p><p></p><p>I know you weren't on the board back in the day when my Matt was still a total difficult child. His father was non existent in his life, but things were out of control and he refused to allow me to parent. It mattered not what help and support I had from counselor etc. He was NOT going to be parented. Then he started during meltdowns insisting life would be fine with dad, it was all me blah blah blah. Well that was some magical thinking seeing as he could count visits with bio dad on his one hand in his lifetime. After a long period of that, I blew one night when he pulled that card again and called him on it. Told him to never say it again unless he meant it because frankly he could darn well GO then to dad's and see if life magically righted itself. I also told him if he decided on that, he had one return ticket home, on the condition that he would NOT be coming back home until he could participate in our life as a functioning and non abusive member of our family. Imagine my shock when he called MY bluff, and phoned his paternal grandmother to get contact info from his dad. Yes he had to use a third party to track his father down, because his dad was THAT off the radar from parenting. Well it took all of 48 hours for me to complete follow through. I was in a state of shock, having been actually trying to just end the insistence that the grass would be greener at dads. I never expected him to call him in a rage and make arrangements, never imagined bio dad would say yes. I mean, the man was the poster parent for "absent". Well the man arrived in town, I went to court to enter a agreement on consent (allowing to not appear in front of a judge) and altered the custody arrangement. We loaded difficult child's belongings, and I sobbed like I'd never sobbed. I knew I had to follow through, but never imagined it would come to that. It took only a matter of 5 weeks or so for difficult child to land on his paternal grandmothers door step. Bio dad shipping him on a bus back to town, skipping informing me, to his own mother. Who of course blamed me for difficult child, and figured she could "fix" him. It ultimately was over a year and a few months before difficult child returned home. I remained adamant that he would NOT be living home again (it was killing me, let me be honest, hardest follow through of my life!!!) until he could function in a healthy manner in the family in our home. easy child deserved it. I deserved it. difficult child needed to make it happen, or remain miserable wherever he landed. Because frankly, he was miserable at home anyhow. Long story leading to his return home, but he DID get fed up with the mess he made, and he blew a few chances to come home pretty quick with promises of change that lasted about, oh, half a day before his normal attitude resurfaced. Then he had enough, and IT happened. Reality kicked in. He WANTED his normal life back. His MOM back. His SISTER. His LIFE. He returned home and I'm telling you, all that pain I experienced in that period of time? Worth it. </p><p></p><p>Now I know that it wouldnt work for everyone, and kids are all different, and my difficult child had no official diagnosis to work against him either. So it may all be apples and oranges and not be right for your difficult child. But if it continues to be so chaotic with your difficult child, I think it's time for you to make that heart wrenching call. I'm glad to see you are ready to perhaps make the step if difficult child forces your hand. The bottom line is, even though it will NOT be some magical cure to send difficult child to dads, and she may be MISERABLE there, she is also miserable at home. At minimum she makes a large part of your daily life miserable, as your easy child's. And she is impacting not just your home life but also the security you require in your employment. She is refusing to be parented. So barring some sudden change in how she responds to parenting, it is NOT improving in your home. And that is NOT a condemnation of YOU. Just as my difficult child's refusal to accept parenting was NO reflection of me. Even the one psychiatrist who was decent that worked a bit with us, agreed that some kids just get so out of hand that they will NOT accept parenting of ANY type so no new technique or consequence is going to be effective anyhow, but merely be another failed struggle that exhausts us as parents. </p><p></p><p>Whatever the solution works out to be as a next step for your difficult child, I do hope that you can have a peaceful holiday, and something more peaceful moving forward long term. Just know that if you send her to dad's, it is NOT because you failed as a parent. It is because you are dealing with a child who refuses to be parented by you. Sometimes you need to shock these kids, while preventing more damage to yourself and your life and your easy child. I actually applaud parents who can say that they have worn out their arsenal and come up with out of the box approaches to try something else. It isn't easy to let go of that daily parenting. I realize after my experience with younger difficult child, that it sometimes is the best kind of love to give. </p><p></p><p>Hang in there and I hope that you can have some time to yourself, very important. I also hope that you and easy child can enjoy the holidays, even if difficult child is struggling. Mind you obviously I hope difficult child stabilizes and can enjoy her holiday too. But if she can't, you and easy child deserve a bit of joy too.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Mattsmom277, post: 570038, member: 4264"] Sorry to hear she is needing medication adjustments. Does she need a appointment with psychiatrist to order a adjustment, or is it prearranged and something you are just able to start at home? I hope that she maintains at dads so that you can get your things done this weekend. However if she does act up, it is a great time to be conveniently unavailable for a call to come pick her up early. A great opportunity for your ex to get a taste of full blown meltdown and non compliance, and a great time for difficult child to see what life might be like daily, very soon, if she continues to refuse to allow you to parent, leading you to send her to dads to see if that might straighten her out a bit. I know you weren't on the board back in the day when my Matt was still a total difficult child. His father was non existent in his life, but things were out of control and he refused to allow me to parent. It mattered not what help and support I had from counselor etc. He was NOT going to be parented. Then he started during meltdowns insisting life would be fine with dad, it was all me blah blah blah. Well that was some magical thinking seeing as he could count visits with bio dad on his one hand in his lifetime. After a long period of that, I blew one night when he pulled that card again and called him on it. Told him to never say it again unless he meant it because frankly he could darn well GO then to dad's and see if life magically righted itself. I also told him if he decided on that, he had one return ticket home, on the condition that he would NOT be coming back home until he could participate in our life as a functioning and non abusive member of our family. Imagine my shock when he called MY bluff, and phoned his paternal grandmother to get contact info from his dad. Yes he had to use a third party to track his father down, because his dad was THAT off the radar from parenting. Well it took all of 48 hours for me to complete follow through. I was in a state of shock, having been actually trying to just end the insistence that the grass would be greener at dads. I never expected him to call him in a rage and make arrangements, never imagined bio dad would say yes. I mean, the man was the poster parent for "absent". Well the man arrived in town, I went to court to enter a agreement on consent (allowing to not appear in front of a judge) and altered the custody arrangement. We loaded difficult child's belongings, and I sobbed like I'd never sobbed. I knew I had to follow through, but never imagined it would come to that. It took only a matter of 5 weeks or so for difficult child to land on his paternal grandmothers door step. Bio dad shipping him on a bus back to town, skipping informing me, to his own mother. Who of course blamed me for difficult child, and figured she could "fix" him. It ultimately was over a year and a few months before difficult child returned home. I remained adamant that he would NOT be living home again (it was killing me, let me be honest, hardest follow through of my life!!!) until he could function in a healthy manner in the family in our home. easy child deserved it. I deserved it. difficult child needed to make it happen, or remain miserable wherever he landed. Because frankly, he was miserable at home anyhow. Long story leading to his return home, but he DID get fed up with the mess he made, and he blew a few chances to come home pretty quick with promises of change that lasted about, oh, half a day before his normal attitude resurfaced. Then he had enough, and IT happened. Reality kicked in. He WANTED his normal life back. His MOM back. His SISTER. His LIFE. He returned home and I'm telling you, all that pain I experienced in that period of time? Worth it. Now I know that it wouldnt work for everyone, and kids are all different, and my difficult child had no official diagnosis to work against him either. So it may all be apples and oranges and not be right for your difficult child. But if it continues to be so chaotic with your difficult child, I think it's time for you to make that heart wrenching call. I'm glad to see you are ready to perhaps make the step if difficult child forces your hand. The bottom line is, even though it will NOT be some magical cure to send difficult child to dads, and she may be MISERABLE there, she is also miserable at home. At minimum she makes a large part of your daily life miserable, as your easy child's. And she is impacting not just your home life but also the security you require in your employment. She is refusing to be parented. So barring some sudden change in how she responds to parenting, it is NOT improving in your home. And that is NOT a condemnation of YOU. Just as my difficult child's refusal to accept parenting was NO reflection of me. Even the one psychiatrist who was decent that worked a bit with us, agreed that some kids just get so out of hand that they will NOT accept parenting of ANY type so no new technique or consequence is going to be effective anyhow, but merely be another failed struggle that exhausts us as parents. Whatever the solution works out to be as a next step for your difficult child, I do hope that you can have a peaceful holiday, and something more peaceful moving forward long term. Just know that if you send her to dad's, it is NOT because you failed as a parent. It is because you are dealing with a child who refuses to be parented by you. Sometimes you need to shock these kids, while preventing more damage to yourself and your life and your easy child. I actually applaud parents who can say that they have worn out their arsenal and come up with out of the box approaches to try something else. It isn't easy to let go of that daily parenting. I realize after my experience with younger difficult child, that it sometimes is the best kind of love to give. Hang in there and I hope that you can have some time to yourself, very important. I also hope that you and easy child can enjoy the holidays, even if difficult child is struggling. Mind you obviously I hope difficult child stabilizes and can enjoy her holiday too. But if she can't, you and easy child deserve a bit of joy too. [/QUOTE]
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Ex emailed my mom and oh boy is he ever eating his words now.
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