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Exhausted and overwhelmed
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 731939" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Welcome Cindy. I'm so sorry you're struggling with your adult daughter.....it sure sounds as if you've been on the hamster wheel.......and it appears it's time to move off.</p><p></p><p>Your daughter is the only one who can decide to change. You cannot do it for her, it is up to her. You didn't cause it, you can't control it & you can't fix it. </p><p></p><p>Detaching from our adult troubled kids is one of the most difficult things we parents have to do.....however, for some of us, it is the ONLY choice left for us, it becomes necessary for our health & well being. To that end, it's often imperative to seek professional support in a private therapist or parent group or a 12 step group like Narc Anon or CoDa.</p><p></p><p>For me, to let that relentless worry and fear go, meant I had to address the situation differently. Instead of enabling my adult daughter, I sought help to figure out what I needed to do to detach from the behavior, life choices and dramas that I was being pulled into on a daily basis. I had to change. We often believe if we do this, or do that, or pay for this, or try that.....we will find the magic answer to how to get our kids back on the rails. However, it isn't our journey, it isn't our responsibility to enable our adult kids, to provide for them when they continue to make bad choices. They must suffer the consequences of their behavior which will at least offer them the <u><em>chance </em></u>at a change.......but if we continue enabling them......they will likely not change.</p><p></p><p>Detaching from my adult daughter and learning how to accept what I cannot change was the most difficult thing I have ever done.......it took a village......I had private therapy, a therapist run parent support group, I attended NAMI classes, 12 step groups, I read books, I found this board, I posted all the time.......and gratefully, over time, I learned how to set boundaries and I got my own life back. Interestingly, as I healed from my codependency tendencies, my daughter began making better choices. She continues to make better choices..</p><p></p><p>It may be helpful to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here. As Tired Mama suggested, a good resource is the book, Codependent no more by Melodie Beattie. </p><p></p><p>I would encourage you to set a strong boundary around your daughter living with you, you already are fully aware of how that will turn out, you've been there, done that. As many of us here have done, offer her a list of shelters and food banks. If you do not react the way you usually do, you will likely be met with serious manipulation, guilt and blame....which is a common response to our stopping enabling and setting boundaries. You do not have to engage in continual conversations about your daughter's shenanigans, you can make whatever boundaries that work for you. One mother here, whose son was a homeless drug addicted young man, only permitted herself to see him for 15 minutes once a week, with a limit on texting or calling as well. It was hard, but over time, her life improved dramatically. </p><p></p><p>YOU matter. YOUR life matters. YOUR needs and desires matter. You've done enough. You've been at this for 13 years and you're raising a 5 year old. That's enough. Get yourself as much support as you can. Continue posting. Put yourself as the absolute priority. Figure out what you are willing to do and what you aren't, communicate that clearly to your daughter and then......step away. There is nothing you can do for your daughter until she discontinues her drug use. That powerlessness is very hard, which is why we often need professional help.....we have to go against our natural tendencies to give, to nurture, to protect......we have to learn a very different way to parent.....we have to let go.......and accept what we can't change. </p><p></p><p>Hang in there, this is hard, but it is doable. There are many of us here who have gone thru similar situations with our adult kids and come out the other side with our own lives intact and our peace and joy returned. You can too. It's a process, it takes time, you'll need support......but if you are committed to changing, you will get where you want to be. Get yourself some real support. I'm glad you're here. You're not alone.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 731939, member: 13542"] Welcome Cindy. I'm so sorry you're struggling with your adult daughter.....it sure sounds as if you've been on the hamster wheel.......and it appears it's time to move off. Your daughter is the only one who can decide to change. You cannot do it for her, it is up to her. You didn't cause it, you can't control it & you can't fix it. Detaching from our adult troubled kids is one of the most difficult things we parents have to do.....however, for some of us, it is the ONLY choice left for us, it becomes necessary for our health & well being. To that end, it's often imperative to seek professional support in a private therapist or parent group or a 12 step group like Narc Anon or CoDa. For me, to let that relentless worry and fear go, meant I had to address the situation differently. Instead of enabling my adult daughter, I sought help to figure out what I needed to do to detach from the behavior, life choices and dramas that I was being pulled into on a daily basis. I had to change. We often believe if we do this, or do that, or pay for this, or try that.....we will find the magic answer to how to get our kids back on the rails. However, it isn't our journey, it isn't our responsibility to enable our adult kids, to provide for them when they continue to make bad choices. They must suffer the consequences of their behavior which will at least offer them the [U][I]chance [/I][/U]at a change.......but if we continue enabling them......they will likely not change. Detaching from my adult daughter and learning how to accept what I cannot change was the most difficult thing I have ever done.......it took a village......I had private therapy, a therapist run parent support group, I attended NAMI classes, 12 step groups, I read books, I found this board, I posted all the time.......and gratefully, over time, I learned how to set boundaries and I got my own life back. Interestingly, as I healed from my codependency tendencies, my daughter began making better choices. She continues to make better choices.. It may be helpful to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here. As Tired Mama suggested, a good resource is the book, Codependent no more by Melodie Beattie. I would encourage you to set a strong boundary around your daughter living with you, you already are fully aware of how that will turn out, you've been there, done that. As many of us here have done, offer her a list of shelters and food banks. If you do not react the way you usually do, you will likely be met with serious manipulation, guilt and blame....which is a common response to our stopping enabling and setting boundaries. You do not have to engage in continual conversations about your daughter's shenanigans, you can make whatever boundaries that work for you. One mother here, whose son was a homeless drug addicted young man, only permitted herself to see him for 15 minutes once a week, with a limit on texting or calling as well. It was hard, but over time, her life improved dramatically. YOU matter. YOUR life matters. YOUR needs and desires matter. You've done enough. You've been at this for 13 years and you're raising a 5 year old. That's enough. Get yourself as much support as you can. Continue posting. Put yourself as the absolute priority. Figure out what you are willing to do and what you aren't, communicate that clearly to your daughter and then......step away. There is nothing you can do for your daughter until she discontinues her drug use. That powerlessness is very hard, which is why we often need professional help.....we have to go against our natural tendencies to give, to nurture, to protect......we have to learn a very different way to parent.....we have to let go.......and accept what we can't change. Hang in there, this is hard, but it is doable. There are many of us here who have gone thru similar situations with our adult kids and come out the other side with our own lives intact and our peace and joy returned. You can too. It's a process, it takes time, you'll need support......but if you are committed to changing, you will get where you want to be. Get yourself some real support. I'm glad you're here. You're not alone. [/QUOTE]
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