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Substance Abuse
Expanding on Anger/Detachment/LaLaLa...I struggle with DETACHMENT vs OWNERSHIP VENT
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<blockquote data-quote="lovemysons" data-source="post: 561865" data-attributes="member: 3305"><p>I get your vent Sig, I really do. </p><p></p><p>Years ago, when my son's first started using...I was SO INCREDIBLY ANGRY! How could they do this to the Perfect Picture Family I worked so DARNED HARD to create??? I was mad as H!!! </p><p>And how could they be so non-chalant about it...Like it was okay. NONE of it was okay. They were disrespectful, out-of-control BRATS! </p><p></p><p>Then came Al Anon...Honestly, my anger mostly gone now. It is their lives they have chosen (young difficult child) to misuse. I hurt still for what might have been...what could have been, BUT, I will not die trying to save them anymore. It seemed like...the more of my OWN will I tried to use on them...the stronger it made their SELF will...If that makes sense. So alllll of my controlling, all of my wasted breathe letting them know how I really felt...All of it got is nowhere. Not to say they didn't deserve every bit of what came out of my mouth...LOL and I was gentle!!! </p><p></p><p>But I know the hurt, Sig, I really do...I know the disapointment. And I don't think we're just sitting back and taking it. We have to hold onto our own sanity. I sure do as I quite literally lost mine Feb 2007 and had to be hospitalised against my will. That is JUST HOW FAR my anguish, my tears, my pain got me. </p><p></p><p>I can't go through that again...so I don't even want to raise my voice now. I don't want anger to consume me. It's not so much that I stopped being a parent...as much as I started respecting my own well-being. Now, I'm still a work in progress as we all are...but I am so SO much better than I was years ago. Boy could I rant then. </p><p></p><p>Sig, No one can tell you the perfect answer. Al Anon is a philosophy that involves so many things. When they say "Surrender to win". I used to look at like "What the Heck are they talking about??? These are our children we're talking about...How can I just "surrender"." And now I get it...I think, lol. We have to let go of trying to control their lives so that they will reach out for help on their own volition....not in a power struggle with us. </p><p></p><p>Oh Sig, You would have so related to me when the boys first started using. I was so angry and did not want any of this "Let go and let G-d" stuff. I WAS THE PARENT DARNIT!!! and it was MY JOB to straighten them out!!!</p><p>I now have 2 SON's who have gone to prison. WOW...My will, my way, my demands...they really worked out huh? </p><p>Oh, and to boot...I lose my sanity!!!</p><p></p><p>Nope, not me, not any more...</p><p>They are grown now. I think we can still say "Hey dude, this isn't gonna cut it living in my house...THERE ARE RULES" but beyond that...as far as controlling there every move, they're grown. It's done. </p><p></p><p>OH...I so hope I have not overstepped with anything I have just said. I am not editing this post to you as I really want it to be my raw emotion. Please please let me know if I have said anything that makes sense, lol. </p><p></p><p>You're a special lady Sig. You do deserve respect. </p><p>When they can't...we can. We can be kind to ourselves...which of course involves self preserving boundaries. </p><p></p><p>Sorry if I just rambled....Your post just touched me. </p><p>Hang in there,</p><p>LMS</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="lovemysons, post: 561865, member: 3305"] I get your vent Sig, I really do. Years ago, when my son's first started using...I was SO INCREDIBLY ANGRY! How could they do this to the Perfect Picture Family I worked so DARNED HARD to create??? I was mad as H!!! And how could they be so non-chalant about it...Like it was okay. NONE of it was okay. They were disrespectful, out-of-control BRATS! Then came Al Anon...Honestly, my anger mostly gone now. It is their lives they have chosen (young difficult child) to misuse. I hurt still for what might have been...what could have been, BUT, I will not die trying to save them anymore. It seemed like...the more of my OWN will I tried to use on them...the stronger it made their SELF will...If that makes sense. So alllll of my controlling, all of my wasted breathe letting them know how I really felt...All of it got is nowhere. Not to say they didn't deserve every bit of what came out of my mouth...LOL and I was gentle!!! But I know the hurt, Sig, I really do...I know the disapointment. And I don't think we're just sitting back and taking it. We have to hold onto our own sanity. I sure do as I quite literally lost mine Feb 2007 and had to be hospitalised against my will. That is JUST HOW FAR my anguish, my tears, my pain got me. I can't go through that again...so I don't even want to raise my voice now. I don't want anger to consume me. It's not so much that I stopped being a parent...as much as I started respecting my own well-being. Now, I'm still a work in progress as we all are...but I am so SO much better than I was years ago. Boy could I rant then. Sig, No one can tell you the perfect answer. Al Anon is a philosophy that involves so many things. When they say "Surrender to win". I used to look at like "What the Heck are they talking about??? These are our children we're talking about...How can I just "surrender"." And now I get it...I think, lol. We have to let go of trying to control their lives so that they will reach out for help on their own volition....not in a power struggle with us. Oh Sig, You would have so related to me when the boys first started using. I was so angry and did not want any of this "Let go and let G-d" stuff. I WAS THE PARENT DARNIT!!! and it was MY JOB to straighten them out!!! I now have 2 SON's who have gone to prison. WOW...My will, my way, my demands...they really worked out huh? Oh, and to boot...I lose my sanity!!! Nope, not me, not any more... They are grown now. I think we can still say "Hey dude, this isn't gonna cut it living in my house...THERE ARE RULES" but beyond that...as far as controlling there every move, they're grown. It's done. OH...I so hope I have not overstepped with anything I have just said. I am not editing this post to you as I really want it to be my raw emotion. Please please let me know if I have said anything that makes sense, lol. You're a special lady Sig. You do deserve respect. When they can't...we can. We can be kind to ourselves...which of course involves self preserving boundaries. Sorry if I just rambled....Your post just touched me. Hang in there, LMS [/QUOTE]
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