Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
Experienced moms: What would you do? (Long)
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 44355" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>We went through this with easy child, from about age 6. We'd moved her to the school near home and virtually on Day 1, easy child (who is a very friendly girl) chummed up with A, who invited her home to play. I got friendly with A's mother, our family was just beginning to go to their church as well.</p><p></p><p>easy child & A stayed friends for a few weeks, more friends came out of the woodwork. But easy child is a bright kid and extremely moral. A began to apply the emotional blackmail - "I'm not friends with B today, I've decided I don't like her. And you're not to play with her either, or you're not my friend."</p><p></p><p>easy child talked to us about this - she liked B as a friend, didn't want to be mean to someone who had only been kind to her. Then she found herself being ostracised by A. Then a lot of other kids began to ostracise her too. easy child began to feel very lonely. She couldn't even be sure of a friendship with B, since whenever A crooked her finger to say she would accept B as a friend, B would go running. Whatever A said, went. easy child would get invited to friend's houses, but not if A was going to be there. Unless, of course, A decided that she was prepared to be friends with easy child. But since easy child never obeyed her, A tended to never forgive her. Basically, easy child worked out that a friend who asks you to go against your nature, or to be mean to someone else, is not a friend in any way.</p><p></p><p>A may have thought she was popular, but in reality none of the kids liked her, most were also afraid of her. Physically she was a tiny little thing, very insecure. She always used emotional blackmail as much as she could. From what we saw due to seeing the family at church, this was a lot. She was a problem child, frankly. Of course her parents thought she was a good kid, that other people were the ones with the problem. But for A personally, she was the forgotten child in the family, with talented and beautiful older siblings who got all the attention.</p><p></p><p>easy child was lonely but wouldn't compromise her principles. We had many talks in which she wailed that nobody liked her, that she had no friends (and I know she had a few, who were never involved in A's manipulations). But we also had talks in which she vowed she wouldn't let A win. When B invited easy child over to play, and then before easy child had time to leave rang up discreetly to say, "Don't come now - A just arrived," easy child took it in the spirit it was intended - B was not being mean, she was trying to play both ends. easy child could see that by playing A's game, B was a nervous wreck because the only way to play A's game safely was to be deceitful.</p><p></p><p>Then a few years later the pre-teen parties began. At 11, easy child was invited to a sleepover at Bs, and there were going to be boys present as well (for a sleepover!?) easy child wanted to be with her friends, but not if there were to be boys. So she made ME forbid her to go! I let her go, but told her she had to be home because we had an early start next morning to visit her grandparents. easy child was very grateful.</p><p></p><p>Now let's flash forward a few years. I moved easy child back to a city school after only two years at the local school. Meanwhile, these mind games of A's continued. We crossed paths with them at church, but by this stage easy child was refusing to go to church. A's parents were by this stage fairly involved in a lot of areas and easy child couldn't stand their hypocrisy, especially where A was concerned.</p><p></p><p>In early teens, A was sneaking out of her room at night to hang around in the street bludging free alcohol off whoever would give it to her. Because we live in a small town, this wasn't simply a matter of rumour - we saw her. Of course, her parents' method of checking up on these rumours was to ask her point blank - "A, if you were drinking in the street late at night you would tell us, wouldn't you."</p><p>"Of course, Mum."</p><p>"OK, then." End of discussion.</p><p>A was also reported to be sneaking out for other activities also. We do know she was using drugs as well as alcohol, and sleeping around, before she was 15. </p><p>And again her mother would ask her point blank - "A, if you were taking drugs you would tell us, wouldn't you?"</p><p>"Of course, Mum."</p><p>"OK, then." End of discussion.</p><p>Her parents worried she wasn't doing well in school and let her leave to get a job.</p><p></p><p>Over these years easy child would run into old friends. B is still around - a lovely girl, but still always trying to please everybody. Low self-esteem, no strength of character. A is still around - she's lived with a series of BFs but can't sustain a stable relationship. Job-wise drifts from one to another, although she's a smart kid and could do well for herself. Emotionally - unhappy, lonely. Old friends have grown up and got a backbone, or simply moved away from her influence.</p><p></p><p>easy child is polite to her if she sees her, but very scathing otherwise. Pities her, for never learning the right way to interact.</p><p></p><p>My recommendation to you - explain to your daughter that these girls are being mean and this behaviour is unacceptable. However, they are not going to change. I could never get through to A's parents what she was really doing. If I had tried they would have been angry with me. They get angry and judgemental easily.</p><p>easy child was lonely for a time - about 18 months - and accepted friendship from those of her friends who were too weak to stand up to A. When these friends were being mean, or ignoring her, easy child ignored it as something of A's manufacture. However, she did not invest herself too deeply in any of those friendships.</p><p></p><p>Changing schools, and later going to high school, gave all these girls a different circle of friends. With friends other than those under A's influence, many of these girls have done well. But I look at easy child, who stood up for what was right even though it meant she was friendless, and who is now using that confidence and sense of justice in her work. She chose to be lonely and know exactly who her real friends were, rather than allow herself to be tormented emotionally by an emotional cripple.</p><p></p><p>easy child is happy and doing well in life. her confidence in herself carried her through some hard times, supporting herself and BF1 while she was studying at uni. She knows what she wants and has worked hard to get it, maintaining her focus throughout.</p><p></p><p>A is a mess. I think she was especially hard on easy child because A recognised a strong character who wouldn't play her silly mind games, and who called her bluff. So she had to try to sabotage her as best as she could.</p><p></p><p>Give your daughter a hug, reassure her that she is a decent person, let her know the world is unfair but in some ways, P will get justice. Because like A, P will never learn the right way to be a friend, and will therefore spend most of her life unsure, suspicious of every person she knows, and overall - very much alone, even in a crowded room. Your daughter is learning a hard lesson NOW - some people are fair weather friends, and it's best to not be one of those, either. You daughter will grow up knowing how it feels to have someone be mean to you, and so will not be mean to others. She is likely to be a good and loyal friend who will be valued as such by others. This will be a valuable asset in the rest of her life.</p><p></p><p>It will be tough around these girls. Give her plenty of social opportunities totally away from this circle, before they succeed in poisoning her goodness.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 44355, member: 1991"] We went through this with easy child, from about age 6. We'd moved her to the school near home and virtually on Day 1, easy child (who is a very friendly girl) chummed up with A, who invited her home to play. I got friendly with A's mother, our family was just beginning to go to their church as well. easy child & A stayed friends for a few weeks, more friends came out of the woodwork. But easy child is a bright kid and extremely moral. A began to apply the emotional blackmail - "I'm not friends with B today, I've decided I don't like her. And you're not to play with her either, or you're not my friend." easy child talked to us about this - she liked B as a friend, didn't want to be mean to someone who had only been kind to her. Then she found herself being ostracised by A. Then a lot of other kids began to ostracise her too. easy child began to feel very lonely. She couldn't even be sure of a friendship with B, since whenever A crooked her finger to say she would accept B as a friend, B would go running. Whatever A said, went. easy child would get invited to friend's houses, but not if A was going to be there. Unless, of course, A decided that she was prepared to be friends with easy child. But since easy child never obeyed her, A tended to never forgive her. Basically, easy child worked out that a friend who asks you to go against your nature, or to be mean to someone else, is not a friend in any way. A may have thought she was popular, but in reality none of the kids liked her, most were also afraid of her. Physically she was a tiny little thing, very insecure. She always used emotional blackmail as much as she could. From what we saw due to seeing the family at church, this was a lot. She was a problem child, frankly. Of course her parents thought she was a good kid, that other people were the ones with the problem. But for A personally, she was the forgotten child in the family, with talented and beautiful older siblings who got all the attention. easy child was lonely but wouldn't compromise her principles. We had many talks in which she wailed that nobody liked her, that she had no friends (and I know she had a few, who were never involved in A's manipulations). But we also had talks in which she vowed she wouldn't let A win. When B invited easy child over to play, and then before easy child had time to leave rang up discreetly to say, "Don't come now - A just arrived," easy child took it in the spirit it was intended - B was not being mean, she was trying to play both ends. easy child could see that by playing A's game, B was a nervous wreck because the only way to play A's game safely was to be deceitful. Then a few years later the pre-teen parties began. At 11, easy child was invited to a sleepover at Bs, and there were going to be boys present as well (for a sleepover!?) easy child wanted to be with her friends, but not if there were to be boys. So she made ME forbid her to go! I let her go, but told her she had to be home because we had an early start next morning to visit her grandparents. easy child was very grateful. Now let's flash forward a few years. I moved easy child back to a city school after only two years at the local school. Meanwhile, these mind games of A's continued. We crossed paths with them at church, but by this stage easy child was refusing to go to church. A's parents were by this stage fairly involved in a lot of areas and easy child couldn't stand their hypocrisy, especially where A was concerned. In early teens, A was sneaking out of her room at night to hang around in the street bludging free alcohol off whoever would give it to her. Because we live in a small town, this wasn't simply a matter of rumour - we saw her. Of course, her parents' method of checking up on these rumours was to ask her point blank - "A, if you were drinking in the street late at night you would tell us, wouldn't you." "Of course, Mum." "OK, then." End of discussion. A was also reported to be sneaking out for other activities also. We do know she was using drugs as well as alcohol, and sleeping around, before she was 15. And again her mother would ask her point blank - "A, if you were taking drugs you would tell us, wouldn't you?" "Of course, Mum." "OK, then." End of discussion. Her parents worried she wasn't doing well in school and let her leave to get a job. Over these years easy child would run into old friends. B is still around - a lovely girl, but still always trying to please everybody. Low self-esteem, no strength of character. A is still around - she's lived with a series of BFs but can't sustain a stable relationship. Job-wise drifts from one to another, although she's a smart kid and could do well for herself. Emotionally - unhappy, lonely. Old friends have grown up and got a backbone, or simply moved away from her influence. easy child is polite to her if she sees her, but very scathing otherwise. Pities her, for never learning the right way to interact. My recommendation to you - explain to your daughter that these girls are being mean and this behaviour is unacceptable. However, they are not going to change. I could never get through to A's parents what she was really doing. If I had tried they would have been angry with me. They get angry and judgemental easily. easy child was lonely for a time - about 18 months - and accepted friendship from those of her friends who were too weak to stand up to A. When these friends were being mean, or ignoring her, easy child ignored it as something of A's manufacture. However, she did not invest herself too deeply in any of those friendships. Changing schools, and later going to high school, gave all these girls a different circle of friends. With friends other than those under A's influence, many of these girls have done well. But I look at easy child, who stood up for what was right even though it meant she was friendless, and who is now using that confidence and sense of justice in her work. She chose to be lonely and know exactly who her real friends were, rather than allow herself to be tormented emotionally by an emotional cripple. easy child is happy and doing well in life. her confidence in herself carried her through some hard times, supporting herself and BF1 while she was studying at uni. She knows what she wants and has worked hard to get it, maintaining her focus throughout. A is a mess. I think she was especially hard on easy child because A recognised a strong character who wouldn't play her silly mind games, and who called her bluff. So she had to try to sabotage her as best as she could. Give your daughter a hug, reassure her that she is a decent person, let her know the world is unfair but in some ways, P will get justice. Because like A, P will never learn the right way to be a friend, and will therefore spend most of her life unsure, suspicious of every person she knows, and overall - very much alone, even in a crowded room. Your daughter is learning a hard lesson NOW - some people are fair weather friends, and it's best to not be one of those, either. You daughter will grow up knowing how it feels to have someone be mean to you, and so will not be mean to others. She is likely to be a good and loyal friend who will be valued as such by others. This will be a valuable asset in the rest of her life. It will be tough around these girls. Give her plenty of social opportunities totally away from this circle, before they succeed in poisoning her goodness. Marg [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
Experienced moms: What would you do? (Long)
Top