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Experienced moms: What would you do? (Long)
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 44700" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Stick to your decision. Nicole is going to have it tough enough, being black and female in a world which is still sexist and racist. being tough to a certain extent will help, but that should never be a justification for bullying. And if her daughter needs no correction, no counselling, no chat from Mummy saying, "Honey, you need to be a bit more careful with your teasing and sarcasm or you will lose friends," then why bother to parent at all? Clearly, P is now a finished product, mature and wise in the ways of the world. A perfect child, of whom other mothers are so jealous that they feel compelled to make up these stories about her, which perfect daughter denies with wide-eyed innocence.</p><p></p><p>Oh dear, oh dear! I would not want to be Ps mum when puberty hits! When P insists she's NOT been out drinking, or having underage sex, that this pregnancy is immaculate conception...</p><p></p><p>This is a good lesson for Nicole.</p><p></p><p>But be careful - Nicole needs to guard her mouth, so do you. Not only do it, but be SEEN to keep mouths shut about any rift between you guys and P's family.</p><p>And I tell you this as someone else from a very small town. We are an isolated, small community with clear boundaries and nothing beyond but wilderness. Everybody knows everybody, as well as everybody's business. I have successfully kept a lot of things private, but only by not confiding in my closest friends. When I do confide, it is in very small amounts and then I wait. And listen, to what comes back. That way I know who I can trust, and who to not confide in. Even best friends can spill beans that should have stayed in the jar.</p><p></p><p>Mind you, this can be a fascinating game, if you can detach emotionally.</p><p></p><p>For us, we got away from the social ramifications of a split with P (or equivalent) by moving the kids to a school well out of this village. Many other parents here are doing the same, because the current bullying (which includes gossip at the level of teacher, student and parent) is just too much. By removing ourselves we feel very smug these days, especially as our kids are happier, feel smarter and have more confidence.</p><p></p><p>On the subject of black person in white neighbourhood, I saw Oprah today (remember, our episodes are way out of sync with the US) and she had one of my favourite actors - Sydney Poitier. His book, his work, his life - it's inspirational. Someone there (it was a dinner party for his 80th birthday - not fair, he looks so good at 80 when I won't) commented that the support he was given when young and working as a dishwasher, he paid forward to all the African-American people trying to make their way. I consider it goes further - he paid it forward for everybody who has a rough start, who begins with disadvantages but whose determination keeps them trying again and again. They were promoting his book - I'm heading out to get a copy. I was thinking, some of his philosophies would be very helpful for Nicole in this situation. And for my young friend, too - I will get them a copy of the book as well.</p><p></p><p>You've done good here and Nicole sounds like a really good kid.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 44700, member: 1991"] Stick to your decision. Nicole is going to have it tough enough, being black and female in a world which is still sexist and racist. being tough to a certain extent will help, but that should never be a justification for bullying. And if her daughter needs no correction, no counselling, no chat from Mummy saying, "Honey, you need to be a bit more careful with your teasing and sarcasm or you will lose friends," then why bother to parent at all? Clearly, P is now a finished product, mature and wise in the ways of the world. A perfect child, of whom other mothers are so jealous that they feel compelled to make up these stories about her, which perfect daughter denies with wide-eyed innocence. Oh dear, oh dear! I would not want to be Ps mum when puberty hits! When P insists she's NOT been out drinking, or having underage sex, that this pregnancy is immaculate conception... This is a good lesson for Nicole. But be careful - Nicole needs to guard her mouth, so do you. Not only do it, but be SEEN to keep mouths shut about any rift between you guys and P's family. And I tell you this as someone else from a very small town. We are an isolated, small community with clear boundaries and nothing beyond but wilderness. Everybody knows everybody, as well as everybody's business. I have successfully kept a lot of things private, but only by not confiding in my closest friends. When I do confide, it is in very small amounts and then I wait. And listen, to what comes back. That way I know who I can trust, and who to not confide in. Even best friends can spill beans that should have stayed in the jar. Mind you, this can be a fascinating game, if you can detach emotionally. For us, we got away from the social ramifications of a split with P (or equivalent) by moving the kids to a school well out of this village. Many other parents here are doing the same, because the current bullying (which includes gossip at the level of teacher, student and parent) is just too much. By removing ourselves we feel very smug these days, especially as our kids are happier, feel smarter and have more confidence. On the subject of black person in white neighbourhood, I saw Oprah today (remember, our episodes are way out of sync with the US) and she had one of my favourite actors - Sydney Poitier. His book, his work, his life - it's inspirational. Someone there (it was a dinner party for his 80th birthday - not fair, he looks so good at 80 when I won't) commented that the support he was given when young and working as a dishwasher, he paid forward to all the African-American people trying to make their way. I consider it goes further - he paid it forward for everybody who has a rough start, who begins with disadvantages but whose determination keeps them trying again and again. They were promoting his book - I'm heading out to get a copy. I was thinking, some of his philosophies would be very helpful for Nicole in this situation. And for my young friend, too - I will get them a copy of the book as well. You've done good here and Nicole sounds like a really good kid. Marg [/QUOTE]
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