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<blockquote data-quote="Allan-Matlem" data-source="post: 38072" data-attributes="member: 10"><p>Hi,</p><p></p><p>Alfie Kohn said in my humble opinion an amazing thing - Discipline is the problem , not the solution. We never see our role in a conflict , the kid is always wrong and we assume the problem is merely rebelliousness and motivational so bring on the ' Tough Love ' Ross Greene says we have to examine whether our demands and expectations are compatible with the kid , good parenting is being responsive to the hand being dealt. We deal with perceptions , how the kid perceives us. If the kid perceives we were not helpful and leaves the car upset , we have to examine our role , the question is not whether we are right or wrong , but what responses are actions generate .We have little power to control behavior and absolutely no power to control or manipulate a kid's thinking. We might be able to get him to ask what's in it for me by using extrinsic motivation , but true reflection of what's happening and trying to come up with a better plan comes once you reach out to them , get them onto your side and in the words of I think Oceans ' What I have learned is that it helps if you can show empathy to their concerns and invite them to come up with ideas to solve the problem.' So the kid accepted she would have to pay , maybe the mom could have asked for the money and buy the product, get money later , or mom could invite kid to examine her schedule together etc , the idea is to keep the conversation going , be helpful and yet address your own needs as well. In the moment it is pretty difficult to think this way , but it comes. The other night my kid came home pretty late , he knew it was late . All i said - did you enjoy himself - he then apologized and asked if he could help me with some cleaning up I was doing. If I would have said he was grounded or just told him off , he would have become mouthy , there would be an escalation in the conflict. I would have committed a biblical transgression of ' Putting a Stumbling block in front of the blind. Even if I manage to enforce the consequence ,I have won the battle but lost the war , I have just reinforced his perception that I am unfair , the focus is now on me and the consequence and there is absolutely no reflection on the issue at hand. How do we get our kids to take perspectives , empathize , be reflective ? When a kid feels understood , sees you as a help , trusts you , sees you model empathy , perspective taking when you communicate with him using dialog questions you have a chance to change the dynamic from a win-lose to win-win one. See Myrna Shure site.</p><p>I have presented one approach and intervention which revolves around how we perceive our kids and the knowledge that we have little ' power' to influence except 'bonding' with the kid.</p><p></p><p>There are many reasons why I don't advocate ' Tough Love , Riley etc. One of them is that you have to be Tough , be prepared for months of WW3, enduring far worse than you are now as your kid resists you even more in the hope that he finally will get it. we don't have the structure of RTCs and in any case when you go to war you need a united front , which in practice never works.</p><p>Most parents who come here are already stressed out , cracking under the pressure , why create more tension for them. </p><p>The starting point is to relax the atmosphere , one on one time , start talking , perspective taking, talk about yourself , what makes you happy , sad etc non- emotive stuff , other peoples problems and then move into problem solving . Not easy , at least 30-40 problem solving experiences to get the feel , skill and trust the process. But you are working on life skills. Helping a kid , work through his problems , not relying on external reinforcements is real influence over a kid. When our buttons are being pushed , it is easier to yell , use threats etc harder to control your feelings and think what is the best way I am going to help my kid think , be reflective and work this through. It so much easier when you see your kid as a kid with difficulies and not a difficult child , it puts you in a working with mode rather than a ' doing to' confrontation mode and be in control of your feelings</p><p>My way is only one way of looking at things , understanding the dynamics of parenting difficult children.</p><p>I hope this clarifies my message. Wecome here to learn , take what we like, being a good problem solver most of the time , being in control of our feelings , responsible for our own happiness is tough , we don't get it right all the time.</p><p></p><p>Allan</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Allan-Matlem, post: 38072, member: 10"] Hi, Alfie Kohn said in my humble opinion an amazing thing - Discipline is the problem , not the solution. We never see our role in a conflict , the kid is always wrong and we assume the problem is merely rebelliousness and motivational so bring on the ' Tough Love ' Ross Greene says we have to examine whether our demands and expectations are compatible with the kid , good parenting is being responsive to the hand being dealt. We deal with perceptions , how the kid perceives us. If the kid perceives we were not helpful and leaves the car upset , we have to examine our role , the question is not whether we are right or wrong , but what responses are actions generate .We have little power to control behavior and absolutely no power to control or manipulate a kid's thinking. We might be able to get him to ask what's in it for me by using extrinsic motivation , but true reflection of what's happening and trying to come up with a better plan comes once you reach out to them , get them onto your side and in the words of I think Oceans ' What I have learned is that it helps if you can show empathy to their concerns and invite them to come up with ideas to solve the problem.' So the kid accepted she would have to pay , maybe the mom could have asked for the money and buy the product, get money later , or mom could invite kid to examine her schedule together etc , the idea is to keep the conversation going , be helpful and yet address your own needs as well. In the moment it is pretty difficult to think this way , but it comes. The other night my kid came home pretty late , he knew it was late . All i said - did you enjoy himself - he then apologized and asked if he could help me with some cleaning up I was doing. If I would have said he was grounded or just told him off , he would have become mouthy , there would be an escalation in the conflict. I would have committed a biblical transgression of ' Putting a Stumbling block in front of the blind. Even if I manage to enforce the consequence ,I have won the battle but lost the war , I have just reinforced his perception that I am unfair , the focus is now on me and the consequence and there is absolutely no reflection on the issue at hand. How do we get our kids to take perspectives , empathize , be reflective ? When a kid feels understood , sees you as a help , trusts you , sees you model empathy , perspective taking when you communicate with him using dialog questions you have a chance to change the dynamic from a win-lose to win-win one. See Myrna Shure site. I have presented one approach and intervention which revolves around how we perceive our kids and the knowledge that we have little ' power' to influence except 'bonding' with the kid. There are many reasons why I don't advocate ' Tough Love , Riley etc. One of them is that you have to be Tough , be prepared for months of WW3, enduring far worse than you are now as your kid resists you even more in the hope that he finally will get it. we don't have the structure of RTCs and in any case when you go to war you need a united front , which in practice never works. Most parents who come here are already stressed out , cracking under the pressure , why create more tension for them. The starting point is to relax the atmosphere , one on one time , start talking , perspective taking, talk about yourself , what makes you happy , sad etc non- emotive stuff , other peoples problems and then move into problem solving . Not easy , at least 30-40 problem solving experiences to get the feel , skill and trust the process. But you are working on life skills. Helping a kid , work through his problems , not relying on external reinforcements is real influence over a kid. When our buttons are being pushed , it is easier to yell , use threats etc harder to control your feelings and think what is the best way I am going to help my kid think , be reflective and work this through. It so much easier when you see your kid as a kid with difficulies and not a difficult child , it puts you in a working with mode rather than a ' doing to' confrontation mode and be in control of your feelings My way is only one way of looking at things , understanding the dynamics of parenting difficult children. I hope this clarifies my message. Wecome here to learn , take what we like, being a good problem solver most of the time , being in control of our feelings , responsible for our own happiness is tough , we don't get it right all the time. Allan [/QUOTE]
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