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Falling apart...
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<blockquote data-quote="flutterbee" data-source="post: 38090"><p>Good parenting does indeed involve parenting to the individual child. I cannot effectively parent my children in the same way. They have different needs, different understandings, perspectives, and reactions. However, it doesn't have to be black or white. It is possible to teach a child problem solving, empathy and critical thinking while at the same time expecting rules to be followed and enforcing consequences. You used the example that your son came home late. Had he been late to class at school, there would have been detention. If it continues after the detention, kids can get in school suspension. If an employee is late to work enough, his/her job is in jeopardy. These are the so-called natural consequences because society has certain expectations of its members. You can't go through life avoiding conflict because it's unpleasant. Conflict is a part of life and is also another process that children need to learn how to handle and work through. </p><p></p><p>However, consequences for the sake of consequences are not very useful, in my opinion. A conversation needs to happen so that the child knows why an issue required a consequence. When my son comes home late, there are consequences. However, I don't just fly off the handle and say, "You're late. You're grounded", and be done with it. I explain why this is an important issue...that I worry when he's late and have no way of knowing if he is safe, responsibility to self and others, etc. I certainly wouldn't feel he's learned anything simply because he knew he was late and apologized and a conflict was avoided. Certainly not empathy.</p><p></p><p>If a 15 year old kid gets out of the car upset because things didn't go her way, that's life. We don't always get what we want and we don't always feel good about it. It's not always the parents responsibility to make kids feel good about things. Beyond a certain age, and I think 15 is definitely there, we become less dependent on others to make us feel good and more on ourselves. </p><p></p><p>There is definitely a need to rethink how we parent when it comes to parenting our difficult child's.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="flutterbee, post: 38090"] Good parenting does indeed involve parenting to the individual child. I cannot effectively parent my children in the same way. They have different needs, different understandings, perspectives, and reactions. However, it doesn't have to be black or white. It is possible to teach a child problem solving, empathy and critical thinking while at the same time expecting rules to be followed and enforcing consequences. You used the example that your son came home late. Had he been late to class at school, there would have been detention. If it continues after the detention, kids can get in school suspension. If an employee is late to work enough, his/her job is in jeopardy. These are the so-called natural consequences because society has certain expectations of its members. You can't go through life avoiding conflict because it's unpleasant. Conflict is a part of life and is also another process that children need to learn how to handle and work through. However, consequences for the sake of consequences are not very useful, in my opinion. A conversation needs to happen so that the child knows why an issue required a consequence. When my son comes home late, there are consequences. However, I don't just fly off the handle and say, "You're late. You're grounded", and be done with it. I explain why this is an important issue...that I worry when he's late and have no way of knowing if he is safe, responsibility to self and others, etc. I certainly wouldn't feel he's learned anything simply because he knew he was late and apologized and a conflict was avoided. Certainly not empathy. If a 15 year old kid gets out of the car upset because things didn't go her way, that's life. We don't always get what we want and we don't always feel good about it. It's not always the parents responsibility to make kids feel good about things. Beyond a certain age, and I think 15 is definitely there, we become less dependent on others to make us feel good and more on ourselves. There is definitely a need to rethink how we parent when it comes to parenting our difficult child's. [/QUOTE]
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