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Falling apart...
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<blockquote data-quote="Allan-Matlem" data-source="post: 38109" data-attributes="member: 10"><p>Heather,</p><p>It is after 1am here in Israel , so I will be brief.</p><p>Problem solving is a paradigm shift in your relationship with your kid , is it a working with or a top-down doing to dynamic. it is not whether you just teach skills or not. It is not that I would never impose a consequence but it is rare. the 2 approaches don't combine very well - both Ross Greene and Alfie Kohn talk about this.</p><p>Consequences make no impact on intrinsic motivation, the focus is now on the parent and the consequence , at most the kid asks what's in it for me and there is absolutely no reflection on the issue at hand. see <a href="http://alfiekohn.org" target="_blank">http://alfiekohn.org</a> </p><p></p><p>And of course the kid can make her choice and prefer to suffer the consequences. We know how good juvie is , the kids are in and out , in and out. Suspensions and detentions might get behavior . But do we ask why a kid does or does not do something ?</p><p>The mom said to the kid , its your problem , you better figure it out in my humble opinion the response that she is not a good mother was coming. So instead of the ride enhancing the relationship , they have become further apart. If that is not important , tell the mother to detach from the kid , be in control of her feelings , she is responsible for her feelings and take the natural consequence of speaking this way to your kid and don't fall apart.</p><p>Lon Woodbury the educational consultant from the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) site strugglingteens.com says , the most important tool parents and caregivers have is their relationship with the child. Parenting is dealing with perceptions , changing a kid from the inside.</p><p>allan</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Allan-Matlem, post: 38109, member: 10"] Heather, It is after 1am here in Israel , so I will be brief. Problem solving is a paradigm shift in your relationship with your kid , is it a working with or a top-down doing to dynamic. it is not whether you just teach skills or not. It is not that I would never impose a consequence but it is rare. the 2 approaches don't combine very well - both Ross Greene and Alfie Kohn talk about this. Consequences make no impact on intrinsic motivation, the focus is now on the parent and the consequence , at most the kid asks what's in it for me and there is absolutely no reflection on the issue at hand. see [url]http://alfiekohn.org[/url] And of course the kid can make her choice and prefer to suffer the consequences. We know how good juvie is , the kids are in and out , in and out. Suspensions and detentions might get behavior . But do we ask why a kid does or does not do something ? The mom said to the kid , its your problem , you better figure it out in my humble opinion the response that she is not a good mother was coming. So instead of the ride enhancing the relationship , they have become further apart. If that is not important , tell the mother to detach from the kid , be in control of her feelings , she is responsible for her feelings and take the natural consequence of speaking this way to your kid and don't fall apart. Lon Woodbury the educational consultant from the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) site strugglingteens.com says , the most important tool parents and caregivers have is their relationship with the child. Parenting is dealing with perceptions , changing a kid from the inside. allan [/QUOTE]
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