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<blockquote data-quote="BackintheSaddle" data-source="post: 619073" data-attributes="member: 17503"><p>Oh my...my entire adult life has involved struggles with my parents...I'm the oldest of 3 kids, the most independent and least able to control....my father was a bad yet functioning alcoholic who got mean when he drank and in my teens, we'd have bad fights...my mother is a piece of work...she says horrible things and then will pretend like I misunderstood, or am remembering wrong...she's very manipulative-- one time when I was a grown woman, working at my first post college job, my Dad called me frantic because she said she was leaving him...he demanded that I come home and stop her and at 22, I wasn't yet educated on all the dysfunction in my family so I did.....she was claiming she was sick of it all and leaving to go to the nearest hotel, had bags packed...I walked by them and slyly picked the bag up which was completely empty...that's the kind of games she plays-- loves to create drama...it wasn't too long after that that I started therapy and started figuring out all the ACOA isues for me, co-dependent, etc...my relationship with my mom has never ben stable, positive, anything like a mother-daugther should be...</p><p> </p><p>when I had my difficult child, I was a single mother and they 'helped' me take care of difficult child for the first few months so I could finish my graduate degree but they've never done anything out of the goodness of their hearts-- there's always a string (or rope) attached so I've grown more and more independent of them so I never had to ask them for anything...the more independent I got, the less we got along...my sister is 47 yo and my father pays for her and her family almost completely because her husband got laid off a year ago, can't find a 'job' and she won't work because she home schools her 14 and 15 yo sons!...won't even get a part-time job, just lets daddy pay the bills and he loves it, though he grips, because he has tremendous power over that family...my brother is a pothead....my dad has tried to control how difficult child was raised from the get-go...for the first 7-8 years, he was ok with things but as difficult child increasingly showed problems (urinating on carpet, lots of troubles at school, no friends), I did my best to separate them from him...we already had a distant relationship but they kept in touch with their grandson at all costs...then when difficult child was in 6th grade, he was hospitalized and diagnosed as bipolar and my dad went ballistic...said if I 'allow' them to diagnosis him that, he'll be 'branded' his whole life...he was horrible, screaming in my face when my little boy was in the hospital...we ended up having to 'separate' from them...my dad tried to force me not to have difficult child take medications, was totally unsupportive and wacko about it...he ended up disinheriting me the first time then because I wouldn't do what he wanted me to do with regard to difficult child...for 3 years, we didn't speak but he kept sending me long, ranting emails attacking me on every level (I kept a notebook of all of them, was going to write a book!) ...I had to block him and we never answered the phones...my husband scared him so we didn't have to worry about him coming over to the house (we live really TOO close to these crazy people and husband really wants to move now but we are in a dream home-- 12 acre farm)...</p><p> </p><p>anyhow, during that 3 years, they had no contact with difficult child...cut him off with me...sent him cards but that was it...I remember right after that happened trying to explain to difficult child (who was 12) why his grandparents were not visiting him...I kept trying to not make them sound as horrible as they were being...just that they disagreed with what the doctors said...he asked me if I'd ever do that to him, not talk to him and abandom him...as you can imagine, now that I had to kick him out, that promise not to do that, if he remembers, helps me feel guilty...</p><p> </p><p>then, they sent a letter (not email) right before Christmas that 'sort of' apologized...my dad has never said he's sorry for anything he's done but he was close...so I went and talked to them and we agreed to let things go...and difficult child became a part of their life again...he's had really mixed feelings about that because he remembers how much they hurt him...but, he's grown to really really look up to my dad, who has spent a lot of time with difficult child and actually is obsessed (in my humble opinion) with difficult child...he basically ignores his other 3 grandkids (though they are my sister's and he's paying for them!) and things difficult child can do no wrong...I've tried to reason with them, i've tried to keep them informed of how awful things have been at home but as soon as I do, difficult child would tell them a whole different made up (confabulated) version and they buy his whole story, no matter how outrageous they are...now that difficult child is living with them, they have the power over me that they haven't had for 30+ years and yes, i suspect they are relishing every moment...hell of a thing to realize about your own parents...but I can't say I'm all that shocked by how things have turned out...I was shocked back when difficult child was 12 and they did what they did but this time, not so much...and so ready to never ever have anything to do with them again...they have my son though so I have to figure out how to balance mending fences with him while keeping the door slammed on them</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BackintheSaddle, post: 619073, member: 17503"] Oh my...my entire adult life has involved struggles with my parents...I'm the oldest of 3 kids, the most independent and least able to control....my father was a bad yet functioning alcoholic who got mean when he drank and in my teens, we'd have bad fights...my mother is a piece of work...she says horrible things and then will pretend like I misunderstood, or am remembering wrong...she's very manipulative-- one time when I was a grown woman, working at my first post college job, my Dad called me frantic because she said she was leaving him...he demanded that I come home and stop her and at 22, I wasn't yet educated on all the dysfunction in my family so I did.....she was claiming she was sick of it all and leaving to go to the nearest hotel, had bags packed...I walked by them and slyly picked the bag up which was completely empty...that's the kind of games she plays-- loves to create drama...it wasn't too long after that that I started therapy and started figuring out all the ACOA isues for me, co-dependent, etc...my relationship with my mom has never ben stable, positive, anything like a mother-daugther should be... when I had my difficult child, I was a single mother and they 'helped' me take care of difficult child for the first few months so I could finish my graduate degree but they've never done anything out of the goodness of their hearts-- there's always a string (or rope) attached so I've grown more and more independent of them so I never had to ask them for anything...the more independent I got, the less we got along...my sister is 47 yo and my father pays for her and her family almost completely because her husband got laid off a year ago, can't find a 'job' and she won't work because she home schools her 14 and 15 yo sons!...won't even get a part-time job, just lets daddy pay the bills and he loves it, though he grips, because he has tremendous power over that family...my brother is a pothead....my dad has tried to control how difficult child was raised from the get-go...for the first 7-8 years, he was ok with things but as difficult child increasingly showed problems (urinating on carpet, lots of troubles at school, no friends), I did my best to separate them from him...we already had a distant relationship but they kept in touch with their grandson at all costs...then when difficult child was in 6th grade, he was hospitalized and diagnosed as bipolar and my dad went ballistic...said if I 'allow' them to diagnosis him that, he'll be 'branded' his whole life...he was horrible, screaming in my face when my little boy was in the hospital...we ended up having to 'separate' from them...my dad tried to force me not to have difficult child take medications, was totally unsupportive and wacko about it...he ended up disinheriting me the first time then because I wouldn't do what he wanted me to do with regard to difficult child...for 3 years, we didn't speak but he kept sending me long, ranting emails attacking me on every level (I kept a notebook of all of them, was going to write a book!) ...I had to block him and we never answered the phones...my husband scared him so we didn't have to worry about him coming over to the house (we live really TOO close to these crazy people and husband really wants to move now but we are in a dream home-- 12 acre farm)... anyhow, during that 3 years, they had no contact with difficult child...cut him off with me...sent him cards but that was it...I remember right after that happened trying to explain to difficult child (who was 12) why his grandparents were not visiting him...I kept trying to not make them sound as horrible as they were being...just that they disagreed with what the doctors said...he asked me if I'd ever do that to him, not talk to him and abandom him...as you can imagine, now that I had to kick him out, that promise not to do that, if he remembers, helps me feel guilty... then, they sent a letter (not email) right before Christmas that 'sort of' apologized...my dad has never said he's sorry for anything he's done but he was close...so I went and talked to them and we agreed to let things go...and difficult child became a part of their life again...he's had really mixed feelings about that because he remembers how much they hurt him...but, he's grown to really really look up to my dad, who has spent a lot of time with difficult child and actually is obsessed (in my humble opinion) with difficult child...he basically ignores his other 3 grandkids (though they are my sister's and he's paying for them!) and things difficult child can do no wrong...I've tried to reason with them, i've tried to keep them informed of how awful things have been at home but as soon as I do, difficult child would tell them a whole different made up (confabulated) version and they buy his whole story, no matter how outrageous they are...now that difficult child is living with them, they have the power over me that they haven't had for 30+ years and yes, i suspect they are relishing every moment...hell of a thing to realize about your own parents...but I can't say I'm all that shocked by how things have turned out...I was shocked back when difficult child was 12 and they did what they did but this time, not so much...and so ready to never ever have anything to do with them again...they have my son though so I have to figure out how to balance mending fences with him while keeping the door slammed on them [/QUOTE]
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