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Family of Origin issues / Parenting
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 619105" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>I was the oldest of two very dysfunctional parents who should never have been married to each other as they brought out the worst in each other. Every Sunday morning, me and my siblings would huddle on the stairs while my parents fought. Why Sunday? It was the only day my father was home. He worked 24/7 so they had no time to fight except then and it was an every week event.</p><p></p><p>My dad was borderline violent. He threw things and raged. My mom, rather than pacifying him for our sakes, egged him on. I had a harder time with my mom over all. She was verbally abusive to me, calling me names like "stupid" and "dummy" and "selfish." I did love my dad. I thought he was nice to me. I realize now that he was just not very invested in any of us. If we did something wrong, he was disinterested. He is still rather aloof. He has many narcicistic traits. My mom had some serious borderline traits.</p><p></p><p>My brother had Crohn's Disease. Since my mom had an all or nothing, black and white view of the world, my brother was all good and could never do anything wrong and his being sick fueled her feelings. I could do no right. Brother was white. I was black. That is how borderlines think. I thought that way once too, although not as extreme, and had never talked smack to my kids...but I digress. My sister was a very good baby and child and ignored, which caused big issues in her adulthood. She was ashamed of the rest of us.</p><p></p><p>I struggled with neurological differences and mental illness from so far back that I remember panic attacks at as early as age four and screaming in terror in school in front of my peers as early as first grade. That didn't do much for my popularity, which was bottom basement because I had no social skills anyway. I was diagnosed later on with a severe non verbal learning disability, which some think is Aspergers or Aspergers Lite, but nobody has ever tagged me with Aspergers. MANY MANY have told me I have right brain dysfunction, executive function disorder and especially a non verbal learning disability. I was afraid I was crazy when I was a kid. My mom screamed at me but did nothing, not even when teachers told her I needed help. My father was oblivious and does not remember my childhood.</p><p></p><p>So I had this extremely in-your-face, critical mother who would wake me up sometimes at 3am about something I had gotten her angry over four weeks ago. My sister shared the room and she remembers those night rages too, which I also found similar in Mommy Dearest...lol. My Dad would sleep through even a massive chaotic meltdown going on at night.</p><p></p><p>The positive part, although I didn't think so at the time, was that, with my mom's black and white thinking, she decided to dump me completely (and I do mean completely) after I had my first child. My kids, thank the Good Lord (yes, I believe in Him) never had to deal with her. EVER. I remember I was bleeding internally right after I gave birth to 36 and had to be rushed to the doctor. I called my mom...this was before she stopped talking to me...begging her to come watch my son, her first grandchild, while I went to the hospital. She said, "I told you I would never babysit and I mean it." We had to get my ex's mom to babysit. My mother-in-law was caring and kind and rather appalled that my mom wouldn't babysit in this emergency and s he brought it up the entire time I was married to ex. It just stunned her.</p><p></p><p>My family of origin affected me GREATLY as a parent myself. I swore I'd never call my kids a nasty name. I have not always kept that promise to myself, but I can probably count on my fingers the amount of times I even said "brat" a nd I never ever called any of my kids a nasty name without sitting them down, apologizing, and explaining that I was absolutely wrong. I did not hit them. I did not wake them up at 3am to yell over something that upset me three years ago. I was maybe too kind to my kids. My grown kids tell me I should have been a tougher disciplinarian. It took my daughter doing drugs and my fear for her life for me to take any stand at all.</p><p></p><p>My mother went on, after dumping me from her life 100%, to think my sister was also all good (white) as well as exalting my brother even higher. Made it difficult for me to feel warmth toward my sister because she tended to believe my mother about me so we still bicker and make up, but we try...we try hard. Brother moved far away. He ain't stupid <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p><p></p><p>None of my kids remember my mother at all. When she passed on, they asked if they had to attend the funeral and I said no. She hadn't even sent them birthday cards on their birthdays and she had NEVER seen Sonic or Jumper. I don't know why I went. I was comforting others. I felt strangely out of place myself, like I was at a funeral for a stranger, not for the woman who gave birth to me.</p><p></p><p>I have decided that DNA is irrelevant. Love and your family is about who cares for you, not whose womb you were in.</p><p></p><p>I'm done. Sorry it was so long.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 619105, member: 1550"] I was the oldest of two very dysfunctional parents who should never have been married to each other as they brought out the worst in each other. Every Sunday morning, me and my siblings would huddle on the stairs while my parents fought. Why Sunday? It was the only day my father was home. He worked 24/7 so they had no time to fight except then and it was an every week event. My dad was borderline violent. He threw things and raged. My mom, rather than pacifying him for our sakes, egged him on. I had a harder time with my mom over all. She was verbally abusive to me, calling me names like "stupid" and "dummy" and "selfish." I did love my dad. I thought he was nice to me. I realize now that he was just not very invested in any of us. If we did something wrong, he was disinterested. He is still rather aloof. He has many narcicistic traits. My mom had some serious borderline traits. My brother had Crohn's Disease. Since my mom had an all or nothing, black and white view of the world, my brother was all good and could never do anything wrong and his being sick fueled her feelings. I could do no right. Brother was white. I was black. That is how borderlines think. I thought that way once too, although not as extreme, and had never talked smack to my kids...but I digress. My sister was a very good baby and child and ignored, which caused big issues in her adulthood. She was ashamed of the rest of us. I struggled with neurological differences and mental illness from so far back that I remember panic attacks at as early as age four and screaming in terror in school in front of my peers as early as first grade. That didn't do much for my popularity, which was bottom basement because I had no social skills anyway. I was diagnosed later on with a severe non verbal learning disability, which some think is Aspergers or Aspergers Lite, but nobody has ever tagged me with Aspergers. MANY MANY have told me I have right brain dysfunction, executive function disorder and especially a non verbal learning disability. I was afraid I was crazy when I was a kid. My mom screamed at me but did nothing, not even when teachers told her I needed help. My father was oblivious and does not remember my childhood. So I had this extremely in-your-face, critical mother who would wake me up sometimes at 3am about something I had gotten her angry over four weeks ago. My sister shared the room and she remembers those night rages too, which I also found similar in Mommy Dearest...lol. My Dad would sleep through even a massive chaotic meltdown going on at night. The positive part, although I didn't think so at the time, was that, with my mom's black and white thinking, she decided to dump me completely (and I do mean completely) after I had my first child. My kids, thank the Good Lord (yes, I believe in Him) never had to deal with her. EVER. I remember I was bleeding internally right after I gave birth to 36 and had to be rushed to the doctor. I called my mom...this was before she stopped talking to me...begging her to come watch my son, her first grandchild, while I went to the hospital. She said, "I told you I would never babysit and I mean it." We had to get my ex's mom to babysit. My mother-in-law was caring and kind and rather appalled that my mom wouldn't babysit in this emergency and s he brought it up the entire time I was married to ex. It just stunned her. My family of origin affected me GREATLY as a parent myself. I swore I'd never call my kids a nasty name. I have not always kept that promise to myself, but I can probably count on my fingers the amount of times I even said "brat" a nd I never ever called any of my kids a nasty name without sitting them down, apologizing, and explaining that I was absolutely wrong. I did not hit them. I did not wake them up at 3am to yell over something that upset me three years ago. I was maybe too kind to my kids. My grown kids tell me I should have been a tougher disciplinarian. It took my daughter doing drugs and my fear for her life for me to take any stand at all. My mother went on, after dumping me from her life 100%, to think my sister was also all good (white) as well as exalting my brother even higher. Made it difficult for me to feel warmth toward my sister because she tended to believe my mother about me so we still bicker and make up, but we try...we try hard. Brother moved far away. He ain't stupid :) None of my kids remember my mother at all. When she passed on, they asked if they had to attend the funeral and I said no. She hadn't even sent them birthday cards on their birthdays and she had NEVER seen Sonic or Jumper. I don't know why I went. I was comforting others. I felt strangely out of place myself, like I was at a funeral for a stranger, not for the woman who gave birth to me. I have decided that DNA is irrelevant. Love and your family is about who cares for you, not whose womb you were in. I'm done. Sorry it was so long. [/QUOTE]
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