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Parent Emeritus
father has no contact in almost 20 years
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<blockquote data-quote="Nomad" data-source="post: 515327"><p>My father was very abusive to my mother and myself. After my mother died (she was only 49 years old), he just about disappeared from my life. Efforts were made so that he could see his grandchildren, but he had no interest. Anyway, for years he cried on everyone's shoulder that I was so mean to him and didn't want him to have a relationship with his grandchildren. The real truth was that he was an abusive husband and father and never wanted to make amends. Never wanted to lift a finger to have a relationship with me or his grandchildren. Sometimes I think that his avoidance and disappearance from everything was guilt. I mostly think it is extreme narcissism and he was unable to truly be empathetic or caring. I think your situation couled be similar. My father died this past summer and he was difficult to the end...but I like to hope and pray that he had a quiet change of heart. It hurts so bad. All I can say is that just like we have to do with our adult kids, you should probably learn to detach from your father's antics as well. Whatever is going on with him, is just that "something going on with HIM." It is EXTREMELY unlikely it is anything you did. A father should want to be with his daughter and grandchildren. He is an adult and he knows in his heart if he messed up and should face it like an adult man and move forward. If he hasn't been able to do that, it is not something he wants badly enough and for whatever reason, he is not able to make healthy choices that would lead to healthy relationships. This is not your fault. It is unfortnate for your father that he missed out as it was for my father as well. May you be blessed with people in your life who can nurture you and love you in a healthy/caring manner. And although it is unlikely, hopefully someday, your father will realize his losses and behave in a healthier/more caring manner. In the mean time, I agree,trust your gut. You do not have to abide by his wishes if they do not feel right to you. No way!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Nomad, post: 515327"] My father was very abusive to my mother and myself. After my mother died (she was only 49 years old), he just about disappeared from my life. Efforts were made so that he could see his grandchildren, but he had no interest. Anyway, for years he cried on everyone's shoulder that I was so mean to him and didn't want him to have a relationship with his grandchildren. The real truth was that he was an abusive husband and father and never wanted to make amends. Never wanted to lift a finger to have a relationship with me or his grandchildren. Sometimes I think that his avoidance and disappearance from everything was guilt. I mostly think it is extreme narcissism and he was unable to truly be empathetic or caring. I think your situation couled be similar. My father died this past summer and he was difficult to the end...but I like to hope and pray that he had a quiet change of heart. It hurts so bad. All I can say is that just like we have to do with our adult kids, you should probably learn to detach from your father's antics as well. Whatever is going on with him, is just that "something going on with HIM." It is EXTREMELY unlikely it is anything you did. A father should want to be with his daughter and grandchildren. He is an adult and he knows in his heart if he messed up and should face it like an adult man and move forward. If he hasn't been able to do that, it is not something he wants badly enough and for whatever reason, he is not able to make healthy choices that would lead to healthy relationships. This is not your fault. It is unfortnate for your father that he missed out as it was for my father as well. May you be blessed with people in your life who can nurture you and love you in a healthy/caring manner. And although it is unlikely, hopefully someday, your father will realize his losses and behave in a healthier/more caring manner. In the mean time, I agree,trust your gut. You do not have to abide by his wishes if they do not feel right to you. No way! [/QUOTE]
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