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father has no contact in almost 20 years
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 515916" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>The forgiveness that I found was not in forgiving my ex for the things that he had done to me, or my son. It took 15 years in therapy some of it twice a week, some of it three times a week - to get over, get through the damage. The forgiveness I found was for myself for allowing it. Once I was ABLE to forgive myself? It didn't seem to matter if I forgave him, and actually I couldn't forgive him - because in order to forgive someone they have to say they are sorry, and be repentent of, and continue to change the behaviors that caused the hurt in the first place, or ask your forgiveness. With my x? There was none of that, nor will there ever be - he's a sociopath/psychopath without a conscience that has stated (and I quote) "It's all water under the bridge now, I would hope you could be the bigger person and just let by gones be by gones instead of still being a little girl and pouting." </p><p></p><p>The other reason I can not say "I forgive your Father' is for the horrific things he did to my son. How do you tell a child who suffered his entire life, without any sense of feeling that what was done to him was vindicated even under the law - that you FORGIVE the person that did these things to him? I've said in the past "I think we should just forgive him and move on with our lives." But then I found myself asking that question over and over. It was abuse. It was torture. He didn't behave like a Father. He didn't behave like a husband. So my statement after therapy to my son is "I can now forgive myself for not knowing any better, and staying as long as I did in a relationship that damaged both myself and my son, and I hope some day you can forgive ME. As for your biofather? I pray for him because it's all I can do, because it's not up to me TO forgive him. I believe he took that choice out of my hands years ago when he continued to repeat his behaviors over and over and over without fail. Now it's between him and God - and someday? Someday I believe he's going to have to stand before Him and account for all the horrible, rotten, mean, dispicable, attrocious, hienous, things he's done on earth - not only to me, to my son, but to countless others - and face the reality of his life. In doing so, I can only imagine that he'll be asked to re-watch his life- with a conscience like we have, and feel how he made people feel over the years, feel what we felt. I believe that will be his Hell, and I feel okay knowing that despite what he did to us? I'm still praying for his Salvation. Because without doing so? I'm not practicing what I believe. </p><p></p><p>I don't have to turn the other cheek with an abuser - and I don't have to teach my son to do so either. But in order to find peace in my own soul with what happened? And peace for my son? You have to be able to stand up and learn how to forgive yourself. That's not easy, sometimes it takes help, sometimes it takes years, and with children who feel such anger and rage at parents who hurt them, and abandoned them for NO reason of their own? I think it's important for them to be able to move on - but they need someone to help them put those emotions in perspective. It's okay to be angry, it's okay to be hurt, it's okay to feel abandoned - because you were. But it's NOT okay to use that as an excuse to RUIN your life - and the sooner you, me or anyone else understands forgiveness of self? The sooner you can heal, and move on to better things, and a better life. </p><p></p><p>My son has taken TWENTY ONE of his TWENTY ONE years on earth to begin to understand how one person, could do so much damage and NOT feel even a twinge of responsibility for their actions while as his Mother -and society were <u><strong>constantly </strong></u>preaching about RESPONSIBILITY for your behaviors. I don't know HOW you would make a child understand this, or cope with this. So it's not a wonder to me that so many adults feel like they do about their childhood. You're not even handed these coping skills until (if ever) much later in life - and by then so many other things have gone on. For those of you who have risen above it without help? I think you are extraordinary people indeed.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 515916, member: 4964"] The forgiveness that I found was not in forgiving my ex for the things that he had done to me, or my son. It took 15 years in therapy some of it twice a week, some of it three times a week - to get over, get through the damage. The forgiveness I found was for myself for allowing it. Once I was ABLE to forgive myself? It didn't seem to matter if I forgave him, and actually I couldn't forgive him - because in order to forgive someone they have to say they are sorry, and be repentent of, and continue to change the behaviors that caused the hurt in the first place, or ask your forgiveness. With my x? There was none of that, nor will there ever be - he's a sociopath/psychopath without a conscience that has stated (and I quote) "It's all water under the bridge now, I would hope you could be the bigger person and just let by gones be by gones instead of still being a little girl and pouting." The other reason I can not say "I forgive your Father' is for the horrific things he did to my son. How do you tell a child who suffered his entire life, without any sense of feeling that what was done to him was vindicated even under the law - that you FORGIVE the person that did these things to him? I've said in the past "I think we should just forgive him and move on with our lives." But then I found myself asking that question over and over. It was abuse. It was torture. He didn't behave like a Father. He didn't behave like a husband. So my statement after therapy to my son is "I can now forgive myself for not knowing any better, and staying as long as I did in a relationship that damaged both myself and my son, and I hope some day you can forgive ME. As for your biofather? I pray for him because it's all I can do, because it's not up to me TO forgive him. I believe he took that choice out of my hands years ago when he continued to repeat his behaviors over and over and over without fail. Now it's between him and God - and someday? Someday I believe he's going to have to stand before Him and account for all the horrible, rotten, mean, dispicable, attrocious, hienous, things he's done on earth - not only to me, to my son, but to countless others - and face the reality of his life. In doing so, I can only imagine that he'll be asked to re-watch his life- with a conscience like we have, and feel how he made people feel over the years, feel what we felt. I believe that will be his Hell, and I feel okay knowing that despite what he did to us? I'm still praying for his Salvation. Because without doing so? I'm not practicing what I believe. I don't have to turn the other cheek with an abuser - and I don't have to teach my son to do so either. But in order to find peace in my own soul with what happened? And peace for my son? You have to be able to stand up and learn how to forgive yourself. That's not easy, sometimes it takes help, sometimes it takes years, and with children who feel such anger and rage at parents who hurt them, and abandoned them for NO reason of their own? I think it's important for them to be able to move on - but they need someone to help them put those emotions in perspective. It's okay to be angry, it's okay to be hurt, it's okay to feel abandoned - because you were. But it's NOT okay to use that as an excuse to RUIN your life - and the sooner you, me or anyone else understands forgiveness of self? The sooner you can heal, and move on to better things, and a better life. My son has taken TWENTY ONE of his TWENTY ONE years on earth to begin to understand how one person, could do so much damage and NOT feel even a twinge of responsibility for their actions while as his Mother -and society were [U][B]constantly [/B][/U]preaching about RESPONSIBILITY for your behaviors. I don't know HOW you would make a child understand this, or cope with this. So it's not a wonder to me that so many adults feel like they do about their childhood. You're not even handed these coping skills until (if ever) much later in life - and by then so many other things have gone on. For those of you who have risen above it without help? I think you are extraordinary people indeed. [/QUOTE]
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