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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 238421" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>kjs, </p><p> </p><p>I think in laymans terms -your home would be called "under crisis". Think right now (what do you see happening) into your families future. If you and husband allow things to progress as they are? Where do you see this relationship in say - a year? Without some continued help do you think there is a chance that things will get better? Do you see them staying the same? Do you want your son to be the same way with his wife and friends that your husband is currently with you and would you want to see your sons wife treat HIM like you treat your husband? </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Ask yourself what kind of foundation are you and your husband laying for your son's future? Hard question to ask as a friend, because I'm not criticizing - merely asking you to look at the life HE has. All the behaviors you exhibit will be the foundation for how your son treats the world. These behaviors will perpetuate into the next generation unless you work NOW to fix it. </p><p> </p><p>I've told you before, as my psychiatrist told me - YOU ARE NOT A PSYCHIC...you can't predict what other people will do. Change is never easy. Your sons behaviors can actually get worse before they get better. But if you do nothing? Nothing will happen. </p><p> </p><p>One of the biggest misconceptions I had when we started therapy 13 years ago with Dude? One visit would make dramatic differences. Two? Heck two visits and we should be cured and by the end of the month? Well - with four visits under our belt? Our entire family would be healthy. I think a lot of people think that too. It took us/me 13 years. I KNEW then that MY FAMILY was worth saving, worth fixing, worth having a future. Why should everyone else have a chance to be happy but me and my son?</p><p> </p><p>What made me happy? Learning my limits, learning my boundaries, and learning how to tell people NO, I will not allow this. The people around you are going to take notice. They are going to stop taking advantage of you and even more importantly? YOU are going to stop taking advantage of yourself, stop taking on the world, and stop lashing out at those around you because you won't stop taking on too much. </p><p> </p><p>Maybe right now this is too much or the wrong time in where you are with your therapy- but YOU are worth SO MUCH MORE than you are allowing yourself to have. So is your son. If your husband is willing to continue to change, and adapt and be helpful - that would be wonderful too. My marriage did not work out that way. I look back now - years later and I think about asking him/begging him to please go with me. Please care enough about our family and our marriage to do something/anything to save it. When he would not? When he would not change? I learned how to deal with HIM. I learned how to stop being bullied, and how to stop bullying. I stopped yelling and replaced it with walking away. I stopped showing my son things that I didn't want to perpetuate into HIS adult life AND most importantly HOW TO TREAT ME AS HIS MOTHER. </p><p> </p><p>Go kjs - go to therapy and keep doing it right now even though it just seems mundane and stupid and senseless with no end in sight. There is help - and I'm so proud of you for going even when you don't want to or even when your kid is yelling at you and not listening to you and when your husband is doing his broken record, broken record, broken record in his attempt to communicate his feelings to you. </p><p> </p><p>When YOU figure out how to stop letting everyone abuse you - you start to heal, find peace and that peace is reflected in how you treat others. </p><p> </p><p>Hugs - </p><p>I REALLY hope you find a way to care about yourself as much as we do and keep going to therapy - YOU ARE WORTH EVERY MINUTE OF IT!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 238421, member: 4964"] kjs, I think in laymans terms -your home would be called "under crisis". Think right now (what do you see happening) into your families future. If you and husband allow things to progress as they are? Where do you see this relationship in say - a year? Without some continued help do you think there is a chance that things will get better? Do you see them staying the same? Do you want your son to be the same way with his wife and friends that your husband is currently with you and would you want to see your sons wife treat HIM like you treat your husband? Ask yourself what kind of foundation are you and your husband laying for your son's future? Hard question to ask as a friend, because I'm not criticizing - merely asking you to look at the life HE has. All the behaviors you exhibit will be the foundation for how your son treats the world. These behaviors will perpetuate into the next generation unless you work NOW to fix it. I've told you before, as my psychiatrist told me - YOU ARE NOT A PSYCHIC...you can't predict what other people will do. Change is never easy. Your sons behaviors can actually get worse before they get better. But if you do nothing? Nothing will happen. One of the biggest misconceptions I had when we started therapy 13 years ago with Dude? One visit would make dramatic differences. Two? Heck two visits and we should be cured and by the end of the month? Well - with four visits under our belt? Our entire family would be healthy. I think a lot of people think that too. It took us/me 13 years. I KNEW then that MY FAMILY was worth saving, worth fixing, worth having a future. Why should everyone else have a chance to be happy but me and my son? What made me happy? Learning my limits, learning my boundaries, and learning how to tell people NO, I will not allow this. The people around you are going to take notice. They are going to stop taking advantage of you and even more importantly? YOU are going to stop taking advantage of yourself, stop taking on the world, and stop lashing out at those around you because you won't stop taking on too much. Maybe right now this is too much or the wrong time in where you are with your therapy- but YOU are worth SO MUCH MORE than you are allowing yourself to have. So is your son. If your husband is willing to continue to change, and adapt and be helpful - that would be wonderful too. My marriage did not work out that way. I look back now - years later and I think about asking him/begging him to please go with me. Please care enough about our family and our marriage to do something/anything to save it. When he would not? When he would not change? I learned how to deal with HIM. I learned how to stop being bullied, and how to stop bullying. I stopped yelling and replaced it with walking away. I stopped showing my son things that I didn't want to perpetuate into HIS adult life AND most importantly HOW TO TREAT ME AS HIS MOTHER. Go kjs - go to therapy and keep doing it right now even though it just seems mundane and stupid and senseless with no end in sight. There is help - and I'm so proud of you for going even when you don't want to or even when your kid is yelling at you and not listening to you and when your husband is doing his broken record, broken record, broken record in his attempt to communicate his feelings to you. When YOU figure out how to stop letting everyone abuse you - you start to heal, find peace and that peace is reflected in how you treat others. Hugs - I REALLY hope you find a way to care about yourself as much as we do and keep going to therapy - YOU ARE WORTH EVERY MINUTE OF IT! [/QUOTE]
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