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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 749837" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Eliza is right.</p><p></p><p>So that I don't feel like hypocritical I will add this here: My son is 30. To varying degrees I detached. Typically in an angry and reactive way, when I had had enough. But I did it. In many ways I regret it. Because my son is one of the adult children on this board who floundered. He never found permanent housing. He never established regular treatment. He did not work or find any constructive outlet for his time. He did get on SSI. But that has served to subsidize his marijuana. Period.</p><p></p><p>So what I want to add here is that our children differ in terms of their capacity. Had I known that my son would fall apart and had I had a greater capacity to handle and to accept what life was throwing me, I would have chosen a different course with my son.</p><p></p><p>But that said, I was who I was.</p><p></p><p>And just as importantly, my son was unwilling to compromise with me at all. He was hostile. At times he was aggressive. There had to come a time when he was willing to work with me. He had to be motivated to compromise. To give. He had to suffer enough. I think life is the only teacher. Not to say I wanted him to suffer. Or that suffering is good. But if there is no other teacher that one will accept, suffering is the only way.</p><p></p><p>I am helping my son again. He is back in my small city and he is living in a home I own with my boyfriend. He still tries to shirk. He blew all of his money before he came back on marijuana. He can still be a drama queen. The difference?</p><p></p><p>He wants to be here. And it seems he is ready to do what it takes (the minimum) to stay here. His moods seem leveled out. He is not abusive. (He can get high handed, though, sometimes. But Rome was not built in a day.)</p><p></p><p>Many people on this board helped me to see that I needed my son near me. And that rules were there to be broken. That it was okay to allow him back and to work where we are. Which is what we are doing.</p><p></p><p>But the thing with your son, is this: He seems to be doing NOTHING at all to work with you. NOT ONE THING. And nothing you have written leads me to believe that there is incapacity on his part. He is just acting like a jerk.</p><p></p><p>I guess to riff from what Eliza said, my son did figure something out for himself. Or at least I hope so. He figured out that he was abused if he lived on the street. He figured out that he lived very, very badly. He figured out that give and take was worth it. That compromise was worth it.</p><p></p><p>And I figured some stuff out too.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 749837, member: 18958"] Eliza is right. So that I don't feel like hypocritical I will add this here: My son is 30. To varying degrees I detached. Typically in an angry and reactive way, when I had had enough. But I did it. In many ways I regret it. Because my son is one of the adult children on this board who floundered. He never found permanent housing. He never established regular treatment. He did not work or find any constructive outlet for his time. He did get on SSI. But that has served to subsidize his marijuana. Period. So what I want to add here is that our children differ in terms of their capacity. Had I known that my son would fall apart and had I had a greater capacity to handle and to accept what life was throwing me, I would have chosen a different course with my son. But that said, I was who I was. And just as importantly, my son was unwilling to compromise with me at all. He was hostile. At times he was aggressive. There had to come a time when he was willing to work with me. He had to be motivated to compromise. To give. He had to suffer enough. I think life is the only teacher. Not to say I wanted him to suffer. Or that suffering is good. But if there is no other teacher that one will accept, suffering is the only way. I am helping my son again. He is back in my small city and he is living in a home I own with my boyfriend. He still tries to shirk. He blew all of his money before he came back on marijuana. He can still be a drama queen. The difference? He wants to be here. And it seems he is ready to do what it takes (the minimum) to stay here. His moods seem leveled out. He is not abusive. (He can get high handed, though, sometimes. But Rome was not built in a day.) Many people on this board helped me to see that I needed my son near me. And that rules were there to be broken. That it was okay to allow him back and to work where we are. Which is what we are doing. But the thing with your son, is this: He seems to be doing NOTHING at all to work with you. NOT ONE THING. And nothing you have written leads me to believe that there is incapacity on his part. He is just acting like a jerk. I guess to riff from what Eliza said, my son did figure something out for himself. Or at least I hope so. He figured out that he was abused if he lived on the street. He figured out that he lived very, very badly. He figured out that give and take was worth it. That compromise was worth it. And I figured some stuff out too. [/QUOTE]
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