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<blockquote data-quote="Acacia" data-source="post: 749888" data-attributes="member: 19832"><p>I agree with all the great advice you've gotten, especially to not blame yourself and not to beat yourself for caving. It's progress, not perfection. I have been in Codependents Anonymous for 20 years, go to therapy, read self-help books, and have a good support system. Even with all that, I still cave, but I am much better than I used to be. When you are strong enough, you will keep the boundaries. When I am strong enough, I will do the same.</p><p></p><p>What I have come to realize is that my 33 year old DS who moves from crisis to crisis will do want he wants to do, and none of my efforts, $, or anything else have changed him. I now put the focus on me - how to I grow a self that is as fiercely protective of me and my well being as I was of my children when they were little. He is in crisis again - I am handling it better, but I still see my weakness.</p><p></p><p> What I do notice is that the clearer and firmer my boundaries, the less he fights them. In other words, say what you mean, but don't be mean. And it's your right to change a boundary when you want to - which may be never or may be when you see real change.</p><p></p><p>My sontakes up so much space in my mind, unbidden, that though it's hard to admit, the less contact I have with my son, the better. I am very familiar with the sweet talk and manipulation, which is the flip side of verbal abuse. He knows how to play the victim and to tell me what I want to hear. </p><p></p><p>I am 66 and just retired. I am determined to have as peaceful a life as possible, so I will keep reading and posting to grow stronger.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Acacia, post: 749888, member: 19832"] I agree with all the great advice you've gotten, especially to not blame yourself and not to beat yourself for caving. It's progress, not perfection. I have been in Codependents Anonymous for 20 years, go to therapy, read self-help books, and have a good support system. Even with all that, I still cave, but I am much better than I used to be. When you are strong enough, you will keep the boundaries. When I am strong enough, I will do the same. What I have come to realize is that my 33 year old DS who moves from crisis to crisis will do want he wants to do, and none of my efforts, $, or anything else have changed him. I now put the focus on me - how to I grow a self that is as fiercely protective of me and my well being as I was of my children when they were little. He is in crisis again - I am handling it better, but I still see my weakness. What I do notice is that the clearer and firmer my boundaries, the less he fights them. In other words, say what you mean, but don't be mean. And it's your right to change a boundary when you want to - which may be never or may be when you see real change. My sontakes up so much space in my mind, unbidden, that though it's hard to admit, the less contact I have with my son, the better. I am very familiar with the sweet talk and manipulation, which is the flip side of verbal abuse. He knows how to play the victim and to tell me what I want to hear. I am 66 and just retired. I am determined to have as peaceful a life as possible, so I will keep reading and posting to grow stronger. [/QUOTE]
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