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Feeling a little melancholy........
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 622134" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Oh, RE. I feel your sadness, and I'm so sorry for it. I so get it, it brings tears to my eyes. We are sad. We just are. Being clear that our own child cannot come here, to the homes they grew up in, in many cases, even for a few days, That. Is. Sad. Profoundly sad and there is just no way around it. We have to live through it, and feel it, and accept it (somehow, someway). </p><p></p><p>With my older son, he and his fiancee come into town (from where they live right now, which is five hours away) every six weeks or so. He always calls, and says, Mom, we're planning to come _____, is that okay? I always say, Of course, honey, whatever works for you two is fine with me. I have learned that when they come, I don't need to do a whole lot because they like to go to their favorite restaurants, and they are running in and out with friends, going to parties, shopping, getting their hair cut, whatever. I try to have a few snacks, and I always see if I can cook dinner for them one night and we can all sit down together. They DO take over "my" spaces, sometimes, but I'm so glad they are here that I am able to deal with it. They don't suck all of the energy out of the room. They leave the room and the bathroom they use just like they found it. They ask me if they can do and use certain things (which they really don't even have to ask about). They are both sweet and kind and respectful. They will probably be here for several days when they move back in the summer and I'm fine with that. They don't want to stay here for any real length of time and I don't want them to either (lol). </p><p></p><p>It's not that way with difficult child, RE. You know what I am talking about. And that is sad. We would love to throw open the door to all of our adult children for a few days or even a week or so if necessary. But we're not dealing with another mature, responsible adult. We are dealing with a big (read: adult-size) three-year-old. And that just isn't right or comfortable or "normal" in any way, shape or form. I would rather have a real three-year-old here (lol), because then we would have all of the cute perks that go with that. I wish it could be different, RE, and maybe one day it will be, but for now, it is not, and we are just as important as they are. I don't know about you, but I would have tremendous anxiety right now having difficult child in my home to spend the night. I have often (when awfulizing) thought about what in the world i would do if he got hurt or sick and had to be in the hospital and then needed someplace to recover for a few days. I never could figure out what I would do, because I don't like what I was thinking---that he would have to come here. That thought was so stressful to me that I just forced myself to stop thinking about it. I hope that situation is never presented to me in the near future. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Yep. And I don't want to live that way for any length of time. SO and I were talking last night about a friend at church so we learned "isn't safe in her own home." We don't know the details but others are asking for help for her so SO took $75 to help with a u-haul to another friend's house yesterday. We will help her move, possibly, as well. We talked about how our own home has to be a place of safety for us. That is physical, emotional, mental and spiritual safety. Even when I was married, RE, my home became unsafe for me. Not physically, but I was so traumatized and distraught and sickened about our relationship toward the end, before we separated, that my throat would start closing up before he got home from work. I got myself all worked up (I can now take responsibility for that). I could barely be in the same room with him. By that time, I had fought within myself for so long and so hard about not breaking up this family---that was the last thing I ever wanted to do and I was willing to sacrifice myself (wrong, wrong) for it---that my physical body was telling me and forcing me to do what the rest of me could not. </p><p></p><p>We can't go back there, RE. If people can't even have the basic common courtesies that must occur when people live---even temporarily---in close proximity, then we can't participate in that. Even if we love them so very much. I can't live in a house, even overnight, with someone who I believe will steal from me. He has, multiple times. And he has never admitted it or said he is sorry about it. I just don't trust him. And That. Is. Profoundly. Sad. Trust must be the basis of any relationship, and that is why our relationship is still so tenuous today. Every time he lies to me, I tighten up. And my boundaries get more solid.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I agree so with this from Cedar. You are calm, but a lot of things are stirring under the surface. It is in these Great Times of Change that we need to bump up our self-care, write more, meditate---use all of the tools at our disposal---to help us live as well as we can as we move to a new place we have never been before. </p><p></p><p>Be extra kind to yourself, RE. Allow that melancholy because you are once again cycling through the stages of grief about this new change. That is necessary and right. And RE, you can change your mind at any time. What freedom is in that statement. </p><p></p><p>Hugs and blessings and prayers for you this day, RE.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 622134, member: 17542"] Oh, RE. I feel your sadness, and I'm so sorry for it. I so get it, it brings tears to my eyes. We are sad. We just are. Being clear that our own child cannot come here, to the homes they grew up in, in many cases, even for a few days, That. Is. Sad. Profoundly sad and there is just no way around it. We have to live through it, and feel it, and accept it (somehow, someway). With my older son, he and his fiancee come into town (from where they live right now, which is five hours away) every six weeks or so. He always calls, and says, Mom, we're planning to come _____, is that okay? I always say, Of course, honey, whatever works for you two is fine with me. I have learned that when they come, I don't need to do a whole lot because they like to go to their favorite restaurants, and they are running in and out with friends, going to parties, shopping, getting their hair cut, whatever. I try to have a few snacks, and I always see if I can cook dinner for them one night and we can all sit down together. They DO take over "my" spaces, sometimes, but I'm so glad they are here that I am able to deal with it. They don't suck all of the energy out of the room. They leave the room and the bathroom they use just like they found it. They ask me if they can do and use certain things (which they really don't even have to ask about). They are both sweet and kind and respectful. They will probably be here for several days when they move back in the summer and I'm fine with that. They don't want to stay here for any real length of time and I don't want them to either (lol). It's not that way with difficult child, RE. You know what I am talking about. And that is sad. We would love to throw open the door to all of our adult children for a few days or even a week or so if necessary. But we're not dealing with another mature, responsible adult. We are dealing with a big (read: adult-size) three-year-old. And that just isn't right or comfortable or "normal" in any way, shape or form. I would rather have a real three-year-old here (lol), because then we would have all of the cute perks that go with that. I wish it could be different, RE, and maybe one day it will be, but for now, it is not, and we are just as important as they are. I don't know about you, but I would have tremendous anxiety right now having difficult child in my home to spend the night. I have often (when awfulizing) thought about what in the world i would do if he got hurt or sick and had to be in the hospital and then needed someplace to recover for a few days. I never could figure out what I would do, because I don't like what I was thinking---that he would have to come here. That thought was so stressful to me that I just forced myself to stop thinking about it. I hope that situation is never presented to me in the near future. Yep. And I don't want to live that way for any length of time. SO and I were talking last night about a friend at church so we learned "isn't safe in her own home." We don't know the details but others are asking for help for her so SO took $75 to help with a u-haul to another friend's house yesterday. We will help her move, possibly, as well. We talked about how our own home has to be a place of safety for us. That is physical, emotional, mental and spiritual safety. Even when I was married, RE, my home became unsafe for me. Not physically, but I was so traumatized and distraught and sickened about our relationship toward the end, before we separated, that my throat would start closing up before he got home from work. I got myself all worked up (I can now take responsibility for that). I could barely be in the same room with him. By that time, I had fought within myself for so long and so hard about not breaking up this family---that was the last thing I ever wanted to do and I was willing to sacrifice myself (wrong, wrong) for it---that my physical body was telling me and forcing me to do what the rest of me could not. We can't go back there, RE. If people can't even have the basic common courtesies that must occur when people live---even temporarily---in close proximity, then we can't participate in that. Even if we love them so very much. I can't live in a house, even overnight, with someone who I believe will steal from me. He has, multiple times. And he has never admitted it or said he is sorry about it. I just don't trust him. And That. Is. Profoundly. Sad. Trust must be the basis of any relationship, and that is why our relationship is still so tenuous today. Every time he lies to me, I tighten up. And my boundaries get more solid. I agree so with this from Cedar. You are calm, but a lot of things are stirring under the surface. It is in these Great Times of Change that we need to bump up our self-care, write more, meditate---use all of the tools at our disposal---to help us live as well as we can as we move to a new place we have never been before. Be extra kind to yourself, RE. Allow that melancholy because you are once again cycling through the stages of grief about this new change. That is necessary and right. And RE, you can change your mind at any time. What freedom is in that statement. Hugs and blessings and prayers for you this day, RE. [/QUOTE]
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