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Feeling but know it needed to be done
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 610905" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>I am so sorry for your pain. I am also sorry that I don't really know the history of your family, but I come from another very dysfunctional family where fingers were pointed (mostly at me) and I tried hard to be "good" so my mother would love me. I don't know if this was your situation, but I did learn from mine and just in case it is relevant, I will lpass on what I have come to feel about family in general...due to all the dysfunctional, abuse, and myself being blamed for everything and anything.</p><p></p><p>To me, family is not DNA. DNA is just an accident. If it works and you are a loving unit, that's great. You don't have to think outside the box and your life will be more simple and so-called normal. But you and I are not the only two people who come from a DNA pool who has been cruel to us while we have tried to be sooooooooo good and gain approval for naught. I have detached from my family of origin, especially after I adopted kids and realized that love is definitely NOT contingent upon DNA. I have decided that for me family means people who love each other and are kind to one another and who are there for one another. That may be DNA relatives (or some of them) and that may be friends or a combination. </p><p></p><p>You in my opinion do not have to explain ANYTHING to ANYBODY. I am positive...I trust completely...that your decisions are best for YOUR family...you, your kids. They love you, even if they have issues, and you are doing what you feel is best for those who you know love you.</p><p></p><p>My biological DNA mother died of brain cancer. I never went to see her. For years and years before she was stricken, I would call her and she'd talk to me, but never call me back even once and she didn't want me in her life, didn't want me to visit her, did not visit me, never even sent my innocent children a birthday card on their birthday and never even saw Jumper and Sonic. So she was The Womb who I resided in before birth and when she was sick and dying I felt it would serve everyone best, including her, if I stayed out of her life. My sister, who adored her and whom she adored and fawned over, did most of the caregiving with my brother, who she worshipped, flying in from New Jersey to visit her too. I did call a few times. She was not in her right mind in the end and was actually nice to me. I suppose she didn't know who I was anymore. Brain surgery had taken her mind. When she died, I went to her funeral but was more a caretaker for those who were sad about her passing than grieving myself. And when I found out that she not only left me 100% out of her will, not even acknowledging me enough to give me the $1.00 she is supposed to, I was kind of sorry I'd even gone to the funeral. I was nothing to her. I maybe could have fought for some of the inheritance (I'm not sure as I never pursued it at all), but I just wanted the memories to go away.</p><p></p><p>Was I bad for not seeing my biological mother when she was dying? I think, in her right mind, she would have not wanted me to visit her, but some kids would have gone anyway. Hon, I have wayyyyyyyy detached from my DNA relatives by then. I think it's good that YOU do that now. If you get harassed again, I'd tell the cops. Nobody has a right to cruelly harass anyone that way. I don't care if it's your identical twin sister! I think maybe it's better to ignore them...they just want to upset you and insult you and I'm betting they don't even KNOW you.</p><p></p><p>If I got it wrong, I'm sorry. I just wanted to let you know how much I feel your hurting heart and how I support whatever you decide to do. But you NEED to take care of yourself first. If you aren't well, don't let these DNA vampires drain you any further. (((Hugs))) through the cyber-waves and I'm so very sorry you feel so much pain.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 610905, member: 1550"] I am so sorry for your pain. I am also sorry that I don't really know the history of your family, but I come from another very dysfunctional family where fingers were pointed (mostly at me) and I tried hard to be "good" so my mother would love me. I don't know if this was your situation, but I did learn from mine and just in case it is relevant, I will lpass on what I have come to feel about family in general...due to all the dysfunctional, abuse, and myself being blamed for everything and anything. To me, family is not DNA. DNA is just an accident. If it works and you are a loving unit, that's great. You don't have to think outside the box and your life will be more simple and so-called normal. But you and I are not the only two people who come from a DNA pool who has been cruel to us while we have tried to be sooooooooo good and gain approval for naught. I have detached from my family of origin, especially after I adopted kids and realized that love is definitely NOT contingent upon DNA. I have decided that for me family means people who love each other and are kind to one another and who are there for one another. That may be DNA relatives (or some of them) and that may be friends or a combination. You in my opinion do not have to explain ANYTHING to ANYBODY. I am positive...I trust completely...that your decisions are best for YOUR family...you, your kids. They love you, even if they have issues, and you are doing what you feel is best for those who you know love you. My biological DNA mother died of brain cancer. I never went to see her. For years and years before she was stricken, I would call her and she'd talk to me, but never call me back even once and she didn't want me in her life, didn't want me to visit her, did not visit me, never even sent my innocent children a birthday card on their birthday and never even saw Jumper and Sonic. So she was The Womb who I resided in before birth and when she was sick and dying I felt it would serve everyone best, including her, if I stayed out of her life. My sister, who adored her and whom she adored and fawned over, did most of the caregiving with my brother, who she worshipped, flying in from New Jersey to visit her too. I did call a few times. She was not in her right mind in the end and was actually nice to me. I suppose she didn't know who I was anymore. Brain surgery had taken her mind. When she died, I went to her funeral but was more a caretaker for those who were sad about her passing than grieving myself. And when I found out that she not only left me 100% out of her will, not even acknowledging me enough to give me the $1.00 she is supposed to, I was kind of sorry I'd even gone to the funeral. I was nothing to her. I maybe could have fought for some of the inheritance (I'm not sure as I never pursued it at all), but I just wanted the memories to go away. Was I bad for not seeing my biological mother when she was dying? I think, in her right mind, she would have not wanted me to visit her, but some kids would have gone anyway. Hon, I have wayyyyyyyy detached from my DNA relatives by then. I think it's good that YOU do that now. If you get harassed again, I'd tell the cops. Nobody has a right to cruelly harass anyone that way. I don't care if it's your identical twin sister! I think maybe it's better to ignore them...they just want to upset you and insult you and I'm betting they don't even KNOW you. If I got it wrong, I'm sorry. I just wanted to let you know how much I feel your hurting heart and how I support whatever you decide to do. But you NEED to take care of yourself first. If you aren't well, don't let these DNA vampires drain you any further. (((Hugs))) through the cyber-waves and I'm so very sorry you feel so much pain. [/QUOTE]
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