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Feeling but know it needed to be done
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 610999" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>First of all, most of us don't post unless things have gotten bad. A few of us, like me, post a lot. But you don't know WHY I post a lot. The reason is, I can not be home and be doing nothing...lol. So I read the boards a lot a nd post. It is partly selfish as I need to be busy.</p><p></p><p>Secondly, I am wondering if you are in therapy for yourself. I think that would help you a lot. That is one thing that made me see that it's perfectly ok to cut out abusive DNA members. It's not selfish. It's not mean. It's not vindictive (on my part). It's self-preservation. You are an adult now and you can cut them ALL off and choose to no longer be their victim. Sometimes therapy is the push you need to do it. Trust me, you will feel a lot better when/if you finally get rid of all of them. They are crazier than The Beverly Hillbillies. And once you are gone, if indeed you choose to say a final good-bye, they will start turning on one another because they are used to playing the blame game and since you won't play anymore, they will play with each other.</p><p></p><p> It is unfortunate, like it was for me, that your mother is not that warm and nurturing June Cleaver from Leave it to Beaver and other 50's shows that we see on reruns. You'd be there if this was June and your father was Ward and Wally was your brother. Your family, like mine, is more like the Adams Family, although honestly the Adams family were also there for one another...lol. You can't be there for somebody who treated you like garbage...the abuse will continue and it won't make your mother's passing any easier. It is just an excuse for your DNA connections, who are now in anger mode, to abuse you to the end. If it were me, I would choose not to be there in her final days. Was she ever really your mother in the loving, kind sense of the word? Was she your support system, the person you could turn to in times of strife? Or was she simply the woman who gave birth to you? Anyone can give birth. The lowest animals give birth. Flies do it. It is not a skill. Mothering with love is a skill. We all want desperate for our mothers and DNA families to love us, but a lot of us--more than I ever knew when I was younger--just don't have that and we need to make our own families, big or small.</p><p></p><p>My family is not large. Those who love me and who I HOPE I give that love back to are my dear husband (but this is my SECOND husband...haha), my daughters Julie and Jumper and my brave Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) son Sonic. I'm kind of an animal nut so I also include my two precious doggies as family. On holidays, we spend them together without cousins, aunts, uncles, etc. And the more I hear about strife in other family get togethers, even in DNA groups that are supposedly loving, the more I am grateful for the small, quiet, loving holidays we have. I do have one friend I am very close to. I do not know if I'd include her as family, but certainly she is far kinder to me (and I hope I am to her) than ANYONE in my extended DNA pack. My kids not only didn't flip. They want nothing to do with any of them. That includes 35 who I guess is still one of my family. Abusive or not, I do know he loves me. When he isn't under stress, things get better. It NEVER got better with my extended DNA mates.</p><p></p><p>Get help for yourself. Go to a therapist and if it cost too much go to your county mental health facility. I do and I have had fantastic luck with wonderful therapists there and a group of women I meet with every other Wednesday there who I feel "safe" talking to...as they feel safe talking to me. Put your horrible DNA group on "ignore." At least, that is what it sounds like to need to do to have peace and to recover from them. Yes, it takes time to recover from horrid DNA abusers! </p><p></p><p>You can always talk to me too. If interested, PM me and I will happily give you my number (this applies to anyone here who wants to talk to me in person). Or text. I finally got a phone that has big enough letters so that my fat fingers fit and I can text...lol. If not, just post here and we will answer you. When somebody is in turmoil sometimes the person can not help us because they are too involved in their own chaos and I think I speak for all of us when I say, that's ok. Keep on posting when you need to. Big hugs. You will get through this. Now worry about getting healthy yourself. That should be #1 priority.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 610999, member: 1550"] First of all, most of us don't post unless things have gotten bad. A few of us, like me, post a lot. But you don't know WHY I post a lot. The reason is, I can not be home and be doing nothing...lol. So I read the boards a lot a nd post. It is partly selfish as I need to be busy. Secondly, I am wondering if you are in therapy for yourself. I think that would help you a lot. That is one thing that made me see that it's perfectly ok to cut out abusive DNA members. It's not selfish. It's not mean. It's not vindictive (on my part). It's self-preservation. You are an adult now and you can cut them ALL off and choose to no longer be their victim. Sometimes therapy is the push you need to do it. Trust me, you will feel a lot better when/if you finally get rid of all of them. They are crazier than The Beverly Hillbillies. And once you are gone, if indeed you choose to say a final good-bye, they will start turning on one another because they are used to playing the blame game and since you won't play anymore, they will play with each other. It is unfortunate, like it was for me, that your mother is not that warm and nurturing June Cleaver from Leave it to Beaver and other 50's shows that we see on reruns. You'd be there if this was June and your father was Ward and Wally was your brother. Your family, like mine, is more like the Adams Family, although honestly the Adams family were also there for one another...lol. You can't be there for somebody who treated you like garbage...the abuse will continue and it won't make your mother's passing any easier. It is just an excuse for your DNA connections, who are now in anger mode, to abuse you to the end. If it were me, I would choose not to be there in her final days. Was she ever really your mother in the loving, kind sense of the word? Was she your support system, the person you could turn to in times of strife? Or was she simply the woman who gave birth to you? Anyone can give birth. The lowest animals give birth. Flies do it. It is not a skill. Mothering with love is a skill. We all want desperate for our mothers and DNA families to love us, but a lot of us--more than I ever knew when I was younger--just don't have that and we need to make our own families, big or small. My family is not large. Those who love me and who I HOPE I give that love back to are my dear husband (but this is my SECOND husband...haha), my daughters Julie and Jumper and my brave Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) son Sonic. I'm kind of an animal nut so I also include my two precious doggies as family. On holidays, we spend them together without cousins, aunts, uncles, etc. And the more I hear about strife in other family get togethers, even in DNA groups that are supposedly loving, the more I am grateful for the small, quiet, loving holidays we have. I do have one friend I am very close to. I do not know if I'd include her as family, but certainly she is far kinder to me (and I hope I am to her) than ANYONE in my extended DNA pack. My kids not only didn't flip. They want nothing to do with any of them. That includes 35 who I guess is still one of my family. Abusive or not, I do know he loves me. When he isn't under stress, things get better. It NEVER got better with my extended DNA mates. Get help for yourself. Go to a therapist and if it cost too much go to your county mental health facility. I do and I have had fantastic luck with wonderful therapists there and a group of women I meet with every other Wednesday there who I feel "safe" talking to...as they feel safe talking to me. Put your horrible DNA group on "ignore." At least, that is what it sounds like to need to do to have peace and to recover from them. Yes, it takes time to recover from horrid DNA abusers! You can always talk to me too. If interested, PM me and I will happily give you my number (this applies to anyone here who wants to talk to me in person). Or text. I finally got a phone that has big enough letters so that my fat fingers fit and I can text...lol. If not, just post here and we will answer you. When somebody is in turmoil sometimes the person can not help us because they are too involved in their own chaos and I think I speak for all of us when I say, that's ok. Keep on posting when you need to. Big hugs. You will get through this. Now worry about getting healthy yourself. That should be #1 priority. [/QUOTE]
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