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Feeling guilty again
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 723581" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>This morning my son was reeling from court with his ex yesterday. I had no words. I was shocked myself. So after listening to him for five years and hearing my share of abuse, he exploded when I said that I wish I had answers but this time I am stumped.</p><p></p><p>Him: "You are useless!! You cant even offer emotional support to your son! You put me in more despair. Im at work. Bye!"</p><p></p><p>Um, useless?</p><p></p><p>I was too surprised to hang up before he did. But he wont be able to call me now for three days since he got out of control. I wont answer his calls until I am ready. And when I do answer, I still wont have those magic words to make it all better.</p><p></p><p>The truth is, I am his mother, not his rock. I am not Hercules. Although he has often stated that as his mother I need to be his rock, no matter how old he gets. What happened in court to him hurt me too as it affects my grandson. But there is nothing I can think of to do and its not my job as a parent to know, although he thinks i should know exactly what he wants to hear and to say it. And if it annoys him, when under stress, he will abuse. But there is no excuse for abuse. I know this now.</p><p></p><p>I am a logical realist, not Pollyana. He wants fake good predictions and fake carnival outcomes from me. I dont think that way. And I am not a trained psychologist who could actually help with his emotions. He is 40. Time for him to find alternate ways to feel better because I am not the answer. The court system seems to still be female biased, but if I sympathize by saying that he will erupt. He needs professuonal help, not me.</p><p></p><p>Your son needs to accept help from government services, therapy and HIMSELF, not you. We did not sign up to make it all better for our kids forever. We cant. Period. Once they are 18 we have no legal power and we dont have to give up our sanity and every dime they dont have due to their bad choices. Or refusal to get a career and a life sustainable job.</p><p></p><p>We.Cant.</p><p></p><p>The fact is for three days my son will have to cope without talking to me. That is good for him. He is 40. I am 64. I cant live forever to hold his hand and next year hub and I are starting to travel each winter.</p><p></p><p>I have three other grown kids who accept advice or do things themselves. They are younger....34, 24, 21. My 21 year old has ten times the ability to handle her life than the 40 year old. And 40 has alienated all siblings...he wont have anything to do with them, and they are relieved. This was his decision so he cut out his support system</p><p></p><p></p><p>The bottom line is we hurt them when we help because they dont learn skills needed to exist without us. Maybe they will refuse to learn anyway. That is on them. We can not be there forever and our parents did not give up their lives for us. They need the opportunity to learn alone.</p><p></p><p>I can see giving up our lives for them if it helped them, because we love them so, but it doesnt help them. It holds them back. And it hurts up physically and mentally to no good end.</p><p></p><p>I had a contentious morning. Sorry if I sound aggrevated. I am! But thankfully I am no longer unable to function if 40 cant handle life's tough realities. Or if he wont seek proper help, such as a real life psychologist. I am too emotionally involved to be a good therapist. We all are.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 723581, member: 1550"] This morning my son was reeling from court with his ex yesterday. I had no words. I was shocked myself. So after listening to him for five years and hearing my share of abuse, he exploded when I said that I wish I had answers but this time I am stumped. Him: "You are useless!! You cant even offer emotional support to your son! You put me in more despair. Im at work. Bye!" Um, useless? I was too surprised to hang up before he did. But he wont be able to call me now for three days since he got out of control. I wont answer his calls until I am ready. And when I do answer, I still wont have those magic words to make it all better. The truth is, I am his mother, not his rock. I am not Hercules. Although he has often stated that as his mother I need to be his rock, no matter how old he gets. What happened in court to him hurt me too as it affects my grandson. But there is nothing I can think of to do and its not my job as a parent to know, although he thinks i should know exactly what he wants to hear and to say it. And if it annoys him, when under stress, he will abuse. But there is no excuse for abuse. I know this now. I am a logical realist, not Pollyana. He wants fake good predictions and fake carnival outcomes from me. I dont think that way. And I am not a trained psychologist who could actually help with his emotions. He is 40. Time for him to find alternate ways to feel better because I am not the answer. The court system seems to still be female biased, but if I sympathize by saying that he will erupt. He needs professuonal help, not me. Your son needs to accept help from government services, therapy and HIMSELF, not you. We did not sign up to make it all better for our kids forever. We cant. Period. Once they are 18 we have no legal power and we dont have to give up our sanity and every dime they dont have due to their bad choices. Or refusal to get a career and a life sustainable job. We.Cant. The fact is for three days my son will have to cope without talking to me. That is good for him. He is 40. I am 64. I cant live forever to hold his hand and next year hub and I are starting to travel each winter. I have three other grown kids who accept advice or do things themselves. They are younger....34, 24, 21. My 21 year old has ten times the ability to handle her life than the 40 year old. And 40 has alienated all siblings...he wont have anything to do with them, and they are relieved. This was his decision so he cut out his support system The bottom line is we hurt them when we help because they dont learn skills needed to exist without us. Maybe they will refuse to learn anyway. That is on them. We can not be there forever and our parents did not give up their lives for us. They need the opportunity to learn alone. I can see giving up our lives for them if it helped them, because we love them so, but it doesnt help them. It holds them back. And it hurts up physically and mentally to no good end. I had a contentious morning. Sorry if I sound aggrevated. I am! But thankfully I am no longer unable to function if 40 cant handle life's tough realities. Or if he wont seek proper help, such as a real life psychologist. I am too emotionally involved to be a good therapist. We all are. [/QUOTE]
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