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Feeling sad and anxious today
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 749088" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">First of all, in my world, this is normal. I adopted my son 29 years ago, and he has hurled this at me repeatedly. It's like a knife. And like you I feel no defense against it. My heart is being cut out from me. I might as well be dead. But none of this is TRUE. It is a wake up call, but it's not TRUE. It's a wake up call because it is a call to EMERGENCY PROTECTION OF SELF. FIVE ALARMS.</span>You were sucked into the vortex of the storm that he is right now. Any one of us would have been swept in, as well. The late night phone call. When we are disoriented and defenseless due to sleep. The abusive rant. Designed to make you punch drunk. The fear, did he actually commit a crime, and how vulnerable is he to arrest? The fear for him due to his living conditions. His extreme need; that he is living as a human being should not. And he blames you....</p><p></p><p>You have no control. There is no place to hide. He does not listen to rational explanation. He does not hear or accept a boundary. He will not accept help, that is not on terms that he dictates. This is an impossible situation.</p><p></p><p>Anybody. The Pope. President Obama. Queen Elizabeth. Steve Jobs. Albert Einstein. Anybody would feel as you do. Had they been exposed to the same thing.</p><p></p><p>How you feel is a natural consequence of what he, in his craziness exposed you to.</p><p></p><p>As I see it, the only thing you can do is to pull back more. The one error you made was to text and to call him to reiterate the boundaries. Would you do that to a rattlesnake? To a lion? When people are in rages, unreachable, psychotic, they will not hear limits or rationales. They just can't. The emotion, the distortion must recede to be able to hear you. I understand why you did it, why I do it. Because we are trying to get a handle on our own distress through them. We can't. The only way to assuage our distress is through what we can do where we have control. In ourselves and our environment.</p><p>As far as jail goes, I don't see how this would be so bad. He would most likely be put on psychotropic medication to treat his mood instability and possibly psychosis. If he's using drugs, he will have less access. Oftentimes, jail and prison help these guys stabilize so they can change.</p><p></p><p>But really, what in the world can you do? Except to make sure that he cannot touch you until he is safe, so that you can be too. You have done every single thing in the world anybody could think of to impress upon him your willingness and ability to help him in ways that would help. You cannot be at the beck and call of his illness. That would be irresponsible and not loving. </p><p></p><p>He has rejected every single effort on your part. The boundaries you put into effect were reasonable and necessary. They were not the problem. It was that he breached the boundary at a time you were vulnerable.</p><p></p><p>I think the important thing now is even stronger boundaries. Maybe the phone needs to not be picked up during the night. Maybe there needs to be an agreement between you and your husband to keep you out of it. Maybe the phone number needs to be changed. I don't know. But you need to be protected. You are being abused. And that's got to stop. You can't take it. It's enough.</p><p></p><p>Right now you are a wreck because you are collateral damage. But you can be and should be protected. Right now your son is not the issue. He is operating on his own steam and he will come to a halt. Whether he is arrested, or 5150'd, (picked up for danger to self or others) something will happen where he runs into authorities. Which is how it should be. Mothers cannot stop this kind of behavior. This is beyond mothers. They only get consumed or destroyed in situations such as this.</p><p></p><p>You are doing the right thing. You are a loving, good mother. You are doing the only thing a good and loving mother can do in a situation like we find ourselves. By pulling back so you are not destroyed you are doing what your son needs you to do. You are very strong. You are not alone.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 749088, member: 18958"] [LEFT][COLOR=rgb(20, 20, 20)]First of all, in my world, this is normal. I adopted my son 29 years ago, and he has hurled this at me repeatedly. It's like a knife. And like you I feel no defense against it. My heart is being cut out from me. I might as well be dead. But none of this is TRUE. It is a wake up call, but it's not TRUE. It's a wake up call because it is a call to EMERGENCY PROTECTION OF SELF. FIVE ALARMS.[/COLOR]You were sucked into the vortex of the storm that he is right now. Any one of us would have been swept in, as well. The late night phone call. When we are disoriented and defenseless due to sleep. The abusive rant. Designed to make you punch drunk. The fear, did he actually commit a crime, and how vulnerable is he to arrest? The fear for him due to his living conditions. His extreme need; that he is living as a human being should not. And he blames you....[/LEFT] You have no control. There is no place to hide. He does not listen to rational explanation. He does not hear or accept a boundary. He will not accept help, that is not on terms that he dictates. This is an impossible situation. Anybody. The Pope. President Obama. Queen Elizabeth. Steve Jobs. Albert Einstein. Anybody would feel as you do. Had they been exposed to the same thing. How you feel is a natural consequence of what he, in his craziness exposed you to. As I see it, the only thing you can do is to pull back more. The one error you made was to text and to call him to reiterate the boundaries. Would you do that to a rattlesnake? To a lion? When people are in rages, unreachable, psychotic, they will not hear limits or rationales. They just can't. The emotion, the distortion must recede to be able to hear you. I understand why you did it, why I do it. Because we are trying to get a handle on our own distress through them. We can't. The only way to assuage our distress is through what we can do where we have control. In ourselves and our environment. As far as jail goes, I don't see how this would be so bad. He would most likely be put on psychotropic medication to treat his mood instability and possibly psychosis. If he's using drugs, he will have less access. Oftentimes, jail and prison help these guys stabilize so they can change. But really, what in the world can you do? Except to make sure that he cannot touch you until he is safe, so that you can be too. You have done every single thing in the world anybody could think of to impress upon him your willingness and ability to help him in ways that would help. You cannot be at the beck and call of his illness. That would be irresponsible and not loving. He has rejected every single effort on your part. The boundaries you put into effect were reasonable and necessary. They were not the problem. It was that he breached the boundary at a time you were vulnerable. I think the important thing now is even stronger boundaries. Maybe the phone needs to not be picked up during the night. Maybe there needs to be an agreement between you and your husband to keep you out of it. Maybe the phone number needs to be changed. I don't know. But you need to be protected. You are being abused. And that's got to stop. You can't take it. It's enough. Right now you are a wreck because you are collateral damage. But you can be and should be protected. Right now your son is not the issue. He is operating on his own steam and he will come to a halt. Whether he is arrested, or 5150'd, (picked up for danger to self or others) something will happen where he runs into authorities. Which is how it should be. Mothers cannot stop this kind of behavior. This is beyond mothers. They only get consumed or destroyed in situations such as this. You are doing the right thing. You are a loving, good mother. You are doing the only thing a good and loving mother can do in a situation like we find ourselves. By pulling back so you are not destroyed you are doing what your son needs you to do. You are very strong. You are not alone. [/QUOTE]
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