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Feeling Sad---Son is Homeless
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<blockquote data-quote="Feeling Sad" data-source="post: 664513" data-attributes="member: 19245"><p>Hi. It has been a few days.</p><p></p><p>Just trying to hold on...and get through each day. I am really dreading going back to work. Yes, I will be busy. Yes, I will be focused on something else and helping others, but I feel so drained and tired. How am I going to perform? I cannot think clearly anymore. How do I pull it off without others seeing that I am totally falling apart? I have to gear up for a new school year...prepare the class, meet new parents and students. I feel like I am falling apart...too much work to do.</p><p></p><p>I decided to take a trip up North to visit my son who is away at college. It is my only trip of the Summer Break. It has been, for the most part, nice....until this evening.</p><p></p><p>I came up Friday on the train and have been site-seeing. I have felt like crying all of the time... I constantly have that ache in your throat right before you cry. My heart is breaking. I keep reading the wonderful words of support from this site and a quick 'cheat sheet" of supportive phrases that I keep in my purse. I have been strong and positive for my son...until tonight.</p><p></p><p>My son had a friend's baby shower to go to, so he dropped me off in town. I had a great time shopping, walking, and site-seeing for 8 hours. Then my son informed me that he was coming from another town, where the party had taken place, to pick me up. He was going to get gas first.</p><p></p><p>I was glad, because it was 8:00 and getting dark. I was tired and was looking forward to getting back to his place, changing into a nightgown, and watching t.v.</p><p></p><p>I wolfed down something that I was eating and told him that I would be in a certain parking lot. I rushed there and waited...and waited.</p><p></p><p>A while later, he called me to say that his car was on empty...and that he couldn't get the door to the gas tank open. I was in a strange town, most restrooms were closed, most shops were closed, and I did not know anyone.</p><p></p><p>I was like my paranoid schizophrenic newly homeless son. Alone, scared, helpless, and did not know where to turn. </p><p></p><p>My phone was dying. I tried to get a bus. I did not know where it stopped. I ran and missed it. I did not know where my son's rental room was...I knew the town, but not the streets. I wandered around town. I did not know what to do... My phone was almost dead. My youngest son back home was trying to get me bus schedules and then a room for the night in a hotel. </p><p></p><p>My phone was dying soon. How could I be reached? How could I get help? I knew that I had to be on the train...in yet another town, early the next morning to make it back for my first day back to school on Wednesday morning for a mandatory inservice.</p><p></p><p>I was alone, scared, tired, andI had to use a restroom. I did not know anyone. I did not know where I was going to sleep. </p><p></p><p>I was my homeless son. I know how he feels every night. In fact, he has it much worse. I have money. I have people to call that care about me... I am not afraid of people and can ask strangers for help. I know that I will eventually make it back home...</p><p></p><p>Every night, I worry about my son.</p><p></p><p>Two hours later, my middle son finally pried the door open. I waited outside of a building in the dark. Alone. I was shook up. I already felt sad my whole trip, but now...I felt much worse! </p><p></p><p>I was upset when my son finally showed up. I could not talk. I was not mad at him. I was mad at life...at the broken health care system...at myself because I had 'failed' my schizophrenic son...and at the fact that my son is out there...somewhere...alone, confused, and scared.</p><p></p><p>I did not want my son to be homeless. That was never my intent, but, sadly, he is. I never thought that I could have felt worse...but I do. </p><p></p><p>I am not able to help my son because of his 'rights' and he does not even realize that he needs help. Crazy mixed-up world!!! Does he even understand why I had to make him leave? Does he even know that I love him? Will he EVER know?</p><p></p><p>How am I going to keep it together and pull off the start of a new school year???? I feel like I am going to literally fall apart....</p><p></p><p>My severe therapist had told me that he is still in town because he is like a shark..."circling around the water where there is blood". My kinder therapist said that he is staying in town because he loves us and wants to be near. She asked, "Do you know why he is staying away? He loves you. He doesn't want to hurt you". Needless to say...I am not going back to the severe therapist. The kinder therapist even gave me a small stone with the word "Hope" on it. Yes, she is giving me hope... I NEED to hold onto hope...that he is okay...he is going to get help...he is going to get better...and one day, I WILL see him again.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Feeling Sad, post: 664513, member: 19245"] Hi. It has been a few days. Just trying to hold on...and get through each day. I am really dreading going back to work. Yes, I will be busy. Yes, I will be focused on something else and helping others, but I feel so drained and tired. How am I going to perform? I cannot think clearly anymore. How do I pull it off without others seeing that I am totally falling apart? I have to gear up for a new school year...prepare the class, meet new parents and students. I feel like I am falling apart...too much work to do. I decided to take a trip up North to visit my son who is away at college. It is my only trip of the Summer Break. It has been, for the most part, nice....until this evening. I came up Friday on the train and have been site-seeing. I have felt like crying all of the time... I constantly have that ache in your throat right before you cry. My heart is breaking. I keep reading the wonderful words of support from this site and a quick 'cheat sheet" of supportive phrases that I keep in my purse. I have been strong and positive for my son...until tonight. My son had a friend's baby shower to go to, so he dropped me off in town. I had a great time shopping, walking, and site-seeing for 8 hours. Then my son informed me that he was coming from another town, where the party had taken place, to pick me up. He was going to get gas first. I was glad, because it was 8:00 and getting dark. I was tired and was looking forward to getting back to his place, changing into a nightgown, and watching t.v. I wolfed down something that I was eating and told him that I would be in a certain parking lot. I rushed there and waited...and waited. A while later, he called me to say that his car was on empty...and that he couldn't get the door to the gas tank open. I was in a strange town, most restrooms were closed, most shops were closed, and I did not know anyone. I was like my paranoid schizophrenic newly homeless son. Alone, scared, helpless, and did not know where to turn. My phone was dying. I tried to get a bus. I did not know where it stopped. I ran and missed it. I did not know where my son's rental room was...I knew the town, but not the streets. I wandered around town. I did not know what to do... My phone was almost dead. My youngest son back home was trying to get me bus schedules and then a room for the night in a hotel. My phone was dying soon. How could I be reached? How could I get help? I knew that I had to be on the train...in yet another town, early the next morning to make it back for my first day back to school on Wednesday morning for a mandatory inservice. I was alone, scared, tired, andI had to use a restroom. I did not know anyone. I did not know where I was going to sleep. I was my homeless son. I know how he feels every night. In fact, he has it much worse. I have money. I have people to call that care about me... I am not afraid of people and can ask strangers for help. I know that I will eventually make it back home... Every night, I worry about my son. Two hours later, my middle son finally pried the door open. I waited outside of a building in the dark. Alone. I was shook up. I already felt sad my whole trip, but now...I felt much worse! I was upset when my son finally showed up. I could not talk. I was not mad at him. I was mad at life...at the broken health care system...at myself because I had 'failed' my schizophrenic son...and at the fact that my son is out there...somewhere...alone, confused, and scared. I did not want my son to be homeless. That was never my intent, but, sadly, he is. I never thought that I could have felt worse...but I do. I am not able to help my son because of his 'rights' and he does not even realize that he needs help. Crazy mixed-up world!!! Does he even understand why I had to make him leave? Does he even know that I love him? Will he EVER know? How am I going to keep it together and pull off the start of a new school year???? I feel like I am going to literally fall apart.... My severe therapist had told me that he is still in town because he is like a shark..."circling around the water where there is blood". My kinder therapist said that he is staying in town because he loves us and wants to be near. She asked, "Do you know why he is staying away? He loves you. He doesn't want to hurt you". Needless to say...I am not going back to the severe therapist. The kinder therapist even gave me a small stone with the word "Hope" on it. Yes, she is giving me hope... I NEED to hold onto hope...that he is okay...he is going to get help...he is going to get better...and one day, I WILL see him again. [/QUOTE]
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