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Feeling Sad---Son is Homeless
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<blockquote data-quote="Feeling Sad" data-source="post: 705442" data-attributes="member: 19245"><p>Copa, you are right. I should not tolerate it from my middle son. I have told him that it is not acceptable several times. I think that my fear is that he would then never come down to visit or contact me again. He only came down 3 times this year and only texts using few words. If I text him, it takes many days for a response. I do not have his address and before living in the garage, he was homeless for 6 months.</p><p></p><p>I don't want to 'lose' 2 sons. Yes, I understand that I am not helping him by tolerating it, but I do not want the lines of communication stopped. I tell him that I do not deserve that type of language or treatment and I remove myself. He always apologizes for it. But, I would never tell him not to come down or text me again until he can treat me properly. I don't want to lose contact.</p><p></p><p>My eldest son was destructive in destroying my cute potting shed and I was correct in my response of asking , "Why" and being upset.</p><p></p><p>I am single. I do not have a man to emotionally support me or be a physical presence against a tall, psychotic man. I am not trying to be sexist or be disparaging of females. It is what it is. My point is that the behavior got more and more bizarre and there was no way to stop or control it.</p><p></p><p>I did not replace the TV for months and would keep the 3rd computer locked in my room. I forgot to put it back into my locked room, and that computer was also destroyed. When he was purposely being destructive, he would quickly run to his room and I could hear him laugh. Often, I would hear him saying to his voices before smashing something, "Okay, I will"...</p><p></p><p>On all sites about schizophrenia, they say that an adult schitzophrenic should not live with a single or elderly parent, especially if they are not taking medications or receiving treatment, having outside of the house activities, have other friends outside of the single parent, or are financially dependent on the single parent.</p><p></p><p>I had 2 choices. Tolerate his destruction, or get a restraining order. He would never leave freely if I told him to leave. In fact, if I had thrown him out or locked him out, he would have come back. He legally can live here if this has always been his residence. The police would not have helped me. An eviction would have just given him months of destruction, or worse, hurting or killing someone.</p><p></p><p>I tolerated the destruction and fear way too long. I completely admit this. But, the 'hook' was that he was schizophrenic because it runs in my family, I know the normal horrible course that schizophrenia takes because I lived it with my 2 sisters, I had no support from the police without a restraining order, and I knew that it was not his fault. While in a psychotic state, they lack insight. Even after awhile, their delusions and hallucinations still justify their actions to themselves.</p><p></p><p>Perhaps the biggest reason is that 11 years ago he had left without warning and moved up north to be homeless in Washington for an exact year. It was sheer torture to go through this ordeal. I never wanted to have to go through it again.</p><p></p><p>Schizophrenia does not respond well to behavior modification. I could withhold privileges or have him 'earn' rewards to try to bring about the desired behavior. But it never worked or was very short-lived because his delusions were stronger. It is a whole different ballgame with schizophrenia. You never know what is coming next. It is very difficult to deal with something using logic when it is not logical. Their actions are not reality-based.</p><p></p><p>Things were at times destroyed or taken/thrown away when I was not home. It was not during an argument. He smeared toothpaste all over a table and the lamp, framed photo, and everything else on top of the table. I do not know why. I still do not know why. He took a statue of mine. He denied it. He even offered to 'help' me find it. After the restraining order, I found it in his room with different colors of permanent marker scribbled all over the bust's face. I don't know why.</p><p></p><p>His destruction didn't always follow a disagreement or a withholding of something. It was also continual. It was always different so it could not be anticipated.</p><p></p><p>Also, you are placing yourself in danger when you try to perform behavior modification. Sites advise you to advert your eyes and stand sideways to not appear threatening when speaking. Even after a psychotic rage, he could never talk about what happened. He would be in his room. He became more violent and threatened my life even more when I would not go with him on outings because a computer was destroyed or until he saw a doctor.</p><p></p><p>I want people to know that it is not just a 'normal' adult who is misbehaving. Their delusions and hallucinations control them. They have little or no insight into their illness. Their actions seem justified to themselves. My son always said that 'it' was all my fault and that he didn't have friends anymore or that he had to run off to Washington and live in his cold car without a heater. Their thoughts are not reality-based, so I can't take the normal steps that parents should employ.</p><p></p><p>The very bottom line, or rather, fear, is that I would never see him again if I filed a restraining order. He had a chance of getting help with me. Yes, not a great one when the house was continually bombarded with destruction. Yes, my relative complacency empowered, or even trained, him to destroy or threaten more. I know that I was not helping him by letting him destroy my house while he lived here. Yes, I was putting myself in constant danger. But, the other option, in my mind, was also bad. Out on his own, would/will anyone care or notice? Will he get help? Will he get worse? Will his voices torment him worse? Will others hurt him? Will he hurt himself? The sheer torture is not knowing.</p><p></p><p>I only had 2 choices. Both were bad. The threat of death forced my hand. Parents of severely mentally ill adults are not supported by the police or the present mental health system. World-wide parents are facing this dangerous battle every day...alone.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Feeling Sad, post: 705442, member: 19245"] Copa, you are right. I should not tolerate it from my middle son. I have told him that it is not acceptable several times. I think that my fear is that he would then never come down to visit or contact me again. He only came down 3 times this year and only texts using few words. If I text him, it takes many days for a response. I do not have his address and before living in the garage, he was homeless for 6 months. I don't want to 'lose' 2 sons. Yes, I understand that I am not helping him by tolerating it, but I do not want the lines of communication stopped. I tell him that I do not deserve that type of language or treatment and I remove myself. He always apologizes for it. But, I would never tell him not to come down or text me again until he can treat me properly. I don't want to lose contact. My eldest son was destructive in destroying my cute potting shed and I was correct in my response of asking , "Why" and being upset. I am single. I do not have a man to emotionally support me or be a physical presence against a tall, psychotic man. I am not trying to be sexist or be disparaging of females. It is what it is. My point is that the behavior got more and more bizarre and there was no way to stop or control it. I did not replace the TV for months and would keep the 3rd computer locked in my room. I forgot to put it back into my locked room, and that computer was also destroyed. When he was purposely being destructive, he would quickly run to his room and I could hear him laugh. Often, I would hear him saying to his voices before smashing something, "Okay, I will"... On all sites about schizophrenia, they say that an adult schitzophrenic should not live with a single or elderly parent, especially if they are not taking medications or receiving treatment, having outside of the house activities, have other friends outside of the single parent, or are financially dependent on the single parent. I had 2 choices. Tolerate his destruction, or get a restraining order. He would never leave freely if I told him to leave. In fact, if I had thrown him out or locked him out, he would have come back. He legally can live here if this has always been his residence. The police would not have helped me. An eviction would have just given him months of destruction, or worse, hurting or killing someone. I tolerated the destruction and fear way too long. I completely admit this. But, the 'hook' was that he was schizophrenic because it runs in my family, I know the normal horrible course that schizophrenia takes because I lived it with my 2 sisters, I had no support from the police without a restraining order, and I knew that it was not his fault. While in a psychotic state, they lack insight. Even after awhile, their delusions and hallucinations still justify their actions to themselves. Perhaps the biggest reason is that 11 years ago he had left without warning and moved up north to be homeless in Washington for an exact year. It was sheer torture to go through this ordeal. I never wanted to have to go through it again. Schizophrenia does not respond well to behavior modification. I could withhold privileges or have him 'earn' rewards to try to bring about the desired behavior. But it never worked or was very short-lived because his delusions were stronger. It is a whole different ballgame with schizophrenia. You never know what is coming next. It is very difficult to deal with something using logic when it is not logical. Their actions are not reality-based. Things were at times destroyed or taken/thrown away when I was not home. It was not during an argument. He smeared toothpaste all over a table and the lamp, framed photo, and everything else on top of the table. I do not know why. I still do not know why. He took a statue of mine. He denied it. He even offered to 'help' me find it. After the restraining order, I found it in his room with different colors of permanent marker scribbled all over the bust's face. I don't know why. His destruction didn't always follow a disagreement or a withholding of something. It was also continual. It was always different so it could not be anticipated. Also, you are placing yourself in danger when you try to perform behavior modification. Sites advise you to advert your eyes and stand sideways to not appear threatening when speaking. Even after a psychotic rage, he could never talk about what happened. He would be in his room. He became more violent and threatened my life even more when I would not go with him on outings because a computer was destroyed or until he saw a doctor. I want people to know that it is not just a 'normal' adult who is misbehaving. Their delusions and hallucinations control them. They have little or no insight into their illness. Their actions seem justified to themselves. My son always said that 'it' was all my fault and that he didn't have friends anymore or that he had to run off to Washington and live in his cold car without a heater. Their thoughts are not reality-based, so I can't take the normal steps that parents should employ. The very bottom line, or rather, fear, is that I would never see him again if I filed a restraining order. He had a chance of getting help with me. Yes, not a great one when the house was continually bombarded with destruction. Yes, my relative complacency empowered, or even trained, him to destroy or threaten more. I know that I was not helping him by letting him destroy my house while he lived here. Yes, I was putting myself in constant danger. But, the other option, in my mind, was also bad. Out on his own, would/will anyone care or notice? Will he get help? Will he get worse? Will his voices torment him worse? Will others hurt him? Will he hurt himself? The sheer torture is not knowing. I only had 2 choices. Both were bad. The threat of death forced my hand. Parents of severely mentally ill adults are not supported by the police or the present mental health system. World-wide parents are facing this dangerous battle every day...alone. [/QUOTE]
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