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Feeling Sad---Son is Homeless
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<blockquote data-quote="Feeling Sad" data-source="post: 706295" data-attributes="member: 19245"><p>Hi, Copa. I am sorry. I have been down, over-whelmed, and still not sleeping. I am still profoundly sad about my ill son being gone, and yet, very afraid in my house at night.</p><p></p><p>I finished the papers for my 2 classes that I was taking. I have 2 more classes that start this month and then I will be at the top salary. It is so very difficult to articulate in a professional manner to write coherent papers and work full time while having 4 or 5 hours of sleep each night. </p><p></p><p>I can't sleep. I analyze...perseverate...and worry. My mind won't shut off. I know that I did the only thing that I could, given the situation, but I continue to evaluate, adnauseum, how I possibly could have done things differently before the last incident. My therapist has to remind me that my life was at risk for a very long time. I always forget that part of the equation.</p><p></p><p>I still have a strong startle reflex in place, and yet, l constantly ache for my ill son. This was also my first Christmas without my brother. I am very lonely.</p><p></p><p>My middle son ended up coming down twice during the holidays. On a whim, he offered to meet me thIs last 3 day weekend midway in Morrow Bay. I can actually say that it was a lovely, low stress visit. We only had one argument, in which he apologized for profusely right afterwards.</p><p></p><p>I am surmising that he did okay on his finals. He does not volunteer any information...about school or whether he started medications.</p><p></p><p>I think that on this trip, he actually realized that I am getting older. Yes, we are all getting older, but my point is that he actually realized this point. I didn't want to go down very steep wet steps, in the dark, while wearing platforms. He urged me and instead of being , as usual, very critical, he was very kind. He told me that he understood that my shoes were not ideal.</p><p></p><p>It was good, and yet it saddened me, that he was kinder because he now realizes my mortality or upcoming loss of past abilities. I was happy that he was nicer, but sad that I am 'coming of age', of sorts... </p><p></p><p>On the way back, just half an hour from home, I was traveling the back way down a country road in the dark. The car in front of me turned left. I continued on my way. But, he must have thought that it was a driveway, when, I guess that it wasn't. I did not notice, but he was left perpendicular to oncoming cars from the other direction. He quickly swerved back into my lane. If I hadn't slammed on my brakes, with everything in my car flying forward, he would have hit my door or I would have t-bone him. It was a very close call and it shook me up. I continued on my way, but it was sad to come home to an empty house, with no one to share my harrowing ordeal with.</p><p></p><p>Copa, hug your son. Even with difficulties, you have a physical presence with both the 'good' and the 'bad'. You are blessed. You also have M., who truly loves you.</p><p></p><p>Time to 'sleep'... Thank you, Copa, for being there for me. I think of you often.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Feeling Sad, post: 706295, member: 19245"] Hi, Copa. I am sorry. I have been down, over-whelmed, and still not sleeping. I am still profoundly sad about my ill son being gone, and yet, very afraid in my house at night. I finished the papers for my 2 classes that I was taking. I have 2 more classes that start this month and then I will be at the top salary. It is so very difficult to articulate in a professional manner to write coherent papers and work full time while having 4 or 5 hours of sleep each night. I can't sleep. I analyze...perseverate...and worry. My mind won't shut off. I know that I did the only thing that I could, given the situation, but I continue to evaluate, adnauseum, how I possibly could have done things differently before the last incident. My therapist has to remind me that my life was at risk for a very long time. I always forget that part of the equation. I still have a strong startle reflex in place, and yet, l constantly ache for my ill son. This was also my first Christmas without my brother. I am very lonely. My middle son ended up coming down twice during the holidays. On a whim, he offered to meet me thIs last 3 day weekend midway in Morrow Bay. I can actually say that it was a lovely, low stress visit. We only had one argument, in which he apologized for profusely right afterwards. I am surmising that he did okay on his finals. He does not volunteer any information...about school or whether he started medications. I think that on this trip, he actually realized that I am getting older. Yes, we are all getting older, but my point is that he actually realized this point. I didn't want to go down very steep wet steps, in the dark, while wearing platforms. He urged me and instead of being , as usual, very critical, he was very kind. He told me that he understood that my shoes were not ideal. It was good, and yet it saddened me, that he was kinder because he now realizes my mortality or upcoming loss of past abilities. I was happy that he was nicer, but sad that I am 'coming of age', of sorts... On the way back, just half an hour from home, I was traveling the back way down a country road in the dark. The car in front of me turned left. I continued on my way. But, he must have thought that it was a driveway, when, I guess that it wasn't. I did not notice, but he was left perpendicular to oncoming cars from the other direction. He quickly swerved back into my lane. If I hadn't slammed on my brakes, with everything in my car flying forward, he would have hit my door or I would have t-bone him. It was a very close call and it shook me up. I continued on my way, but it was sad to come home to an empty house, with no one to share my harrowing ordeal with. Copa, hug your son. Even with difficulties, you have a physical presence with both the 'good' and the 'bad'. You are blessed. You also have M., who truly loves you. Time to 'sleep'... Thank you, Copa, for being there for me. I think of you often. [/QUOTE]
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