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Feeling Sad---Son is Homeless
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 709126" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Hi Feeling</p><p></p><p>Last week I was going to post to you, as I had not heard from you in quite a while. I got so distracted by my own misery, I forgot. I am glad you posted, but sorry things continue so hard.Did you mean here antibiotics or antidepressants?</p><p></p><p>It sounds like middle son is struggling like we are.</p><p>I am proud of you and I hope this can be a respite for you.</p><p></p><p>You know that my son has been either living with us or near us for the better part of the year. In very important ways he has improved: less hostile; more openly loving; more cooperative; doing a couple of things that are constructive, at least giving the appearance of such.</p><p></p><p>He paid lip service to beginning again the antivirals he is supposed to be taking for his liver--but I believe he says this to influence me, not because he has any commitment to or real understanding of his health and the risks.</p><p></p><p>The point I want to make is this: I came to feel that the only thing to do was to kick him out. Again. He was not following through on things that to us were essential. Still smoking marijuana and refusing to take drug tests. Still frittering away his days aimlessly. Not providing any proof that he was doing anything constructive, that he had promised. That was Sunday morning that I told him to leave the other property. As usual I became unhinged.</p><p></p><p>It always takes me so long to get to the point, and here it is finally: My son left with M who took him back to the other house to get his stuff. I was devastated. I would not/could not get out of bed. I was sick with grief. Any sense of hope for the future or faith in myself, I lost.</p><p></p><p>This is what happened to me after 1 day. I became a shell of myself. Just skin, bones, fat and gray hair. No spirit. No force. Nothing.</p><p></p><p>I could not cook, even. I told M: <em>I am just making beans.</em></p><p></p><p>When M came home I asked if my son had called him. It turns out M did not have the heart to follow through and throw my son out. I was relieved, but at the same time, felt desperate. <em>M. How are we going to get J to understand if we do not follow through? </em>M feels between a rock and a hard place.</p><p></p><p>You see. You do not need me to tell you how hard this is. One day. And I wanted to die. Honestly. When we get to this point, I begin googling, "<em>I want to die</em>." Because this is what keeps repeating and repeating itself in my head.</p><p></p><p>I do not know what the answer is. Honestly. I do not. There are mothers here on this forum that are able to go live their lives. They say they find joy and serenity. Detaching. I am incapable of doing so, I guess. When I did kick my son out for 4 years, I froze myself. Either I have changed or my freezer broke.</p><p></p><p>With respect to you and your son, you said it, putting one foot in front of the other, and marching on. You have your work. I wish I had mine. When these things happen, I feel absolutely incapable of working. And yet I know it would help.</p><p></p><p>As far as your older son, one could say that you do not know how this will turn out. He is very smart and in his way very, very capable. I know he is very ill. But we do not know what will be. I do not know if this is a consolation or a great fear, or both.</p><p></p><p>Anyway. I am glad you checked in. Know that I think about you and care about you. Take care, Feeling.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 709126, member: 18958"] Hi Feeling Last week I was going to post to you, as I had not heard from you in quite a while. I got so distracted by my own misery, I forgot. I am glad you posted, but sorry things continue so hard.Did you mean here antibiotics or antidepressants? It sounds like middle son is struggling like we are. I am proud of you and I hope this can be a respite for you. You know that my son has been either living with us or near us for the better part of the year. In very important ways he has improved: less hostile; more openly loving; more cooperative; doing a couple of things that are constructive, at least giving the appearance of such. He paid lip service to beginning again the antivirals he is supposed to be taking for his liver--but I believe he says this to influence me, not because he has any commitment to or real understanding of his health and the risks. The point I want to make is this: I came to feel that the only thing to do was to kick him out. Again. He was not following through on things that to us were essential. Still smoking marijuana and refusing to take drug tests. Still frittering away his days aimlessly. Not providing any proof that he was doing anything constructive, that he had promised. That was Sunday morning that I told him to leave the other property. As usual I became unhinged. It always takes me so long to get to the point, and here it is finally: My son left with M who took him back to the other house to get his stuff. I was devastated. I would not/could not get out of bed. I was sick with grief. Any sense of hope for the future or faith in myself, I lost. This is what happened to me after 1 day. I became a shell of myself. Just skin, bones, fat and gray hair. No spirit. No force. Nothing. I could not cook, even. I told M: [I]I am just making beans.[/I] When M came home I asked if my son had called him. It turns out M did not have the heart to follow through and throw my son out. I was relieved, but at the same time, felt desperate. [I]M. How are we going to get J to understand if we do not follow through? [/I]M feels between a rock and a hard place. You see. You do not need me to tell you how hard this is. One day. And I wanted to die. Honestly. When we get to this point, I begin googling, "[I]I want to die[/I]." Because this is what keeps repeating and repeating itself in my head. I do not know what the answer is. Honestly. I do not. There are mothers here on this forum that are able to go live their lives. They say they find joy and serenity. Detaching. I am incapable of doing so, I guess. When I did kick my son out for 4 years, I froze myself. Either I have changed or my freezer broke. With respect to you and your son, you said it, putting one foot in front of the other, and marching on. You have your work. I wish I had mine. When these things happen, I feel absolutely incapable of working. And yet I know it would help. As far as your older son, one could say that you do not know how this will turn out. He is very smart and in his way very, very capable. I know he is very ill. But we do not know what will be. I do not know if this is a consolation or a great fear, or both. Anyway. I am glad you checked in. Know that I think about you and care about you. Take care, Feeling. [/QUOTE]
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